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Cliffhangers, Part 5

by IJD GAF

An installment of Cliffhanger Week

Previously on Cliffhangers....

Zeke: Brutal combat first, talk later.

Kira: Uh, Zeke... is that a sucking chest wound?

Derek: No! No way! I'm not being Fred!

Zeke: No problem. We'll take a blipvert.

Derek: But why does she look like Fuyu Ginga?

IJD: Is there anything easier to kill?

Marc: Which time?

Zeke: Ha! You'll never get at my soul! It's protected by multiple layers of angst and resentment!

Kira: I think this might be a good time to switch to someone else's fantasy. We don't need another Zuke on our hands.

Derek: You and I have already done ours. That leaves Marc and IJD.

Kira: But which one will it be? WHICH ONE?

Derek: Pause for suspense.

Kira: You're not supposed to actually say that.

IJD: Computer, end program.

(The terrifying scene dissipates into a familiar yellow and black grid)

Derek: Real original, IJD.

Kira: Says the guy who rips off Lewis.

Zeke: Says the gal who rips off Tolkien.

IJD: Relax, I've got something real original planned.

(The five walk through the archway into the corridor outside)

Marc: This place seems incredibly familiar.

Kira: No it doesn't. Where the hell are we?

IJD: Behold, an elevator!

Zeke: I'm bored. Where are you going with this?

Marc: Up, apparently.

Kira: Is it going to plummet thousands of feet with us holding on for dear life?

Derek: Does it go up to the 757th floor?

Marc: Will it take us to the twilight zone?

IJD: Guys, guys - it's just an elevator.

Kira: (sniff) Correction: Just a cedar-paneled elevator.

Marc: (sigh) I can't wait till my narration....

(When our heroes eventually enter the elevator, the doors close swiftly, only to reopen a moment later to reveal a new destination)

Marc: It's beautiful!

Zeke: My eyes! The bright vivid colors are burning my corneas!

Kira: Where are we?

IJD: (offended) On the bridge of the original. The best. NCC-1701, no bloody A, B, C, D, or E.

Marc: You misquoted.

IJD: Quiet, you.

Kira: I thought you said we were going somewhere original!

Derek: It's hard to get more original than the original.

Kira: That's not what I mea--

Zeke: Naturally, as leader of this staff of writers, I get dibs on the captain's chair.

IJD: My fantasy, my chair.

Zeke: Arg, fine. But I still get to boss everyone around. (Ahem) Marc, scan for stuff. Kira, be careful how you sit in that skirt. Derek, talk funny.

Derek: Aye, Cap'n!

Kira: Don't we need some sort of mission to keep this fantasy going?

Marc: Scans indicate a high concentration of cedar on the fourth planet of this system.

IJD: Woohoo! Let's beam down!

Derek: We cannae leave the ship alone, Gaffy!

IJD: Meh. What's the worst that could happen?

(The five explorers beam down to the planet below)

Captain's Log, Stardate 75775: We are currently exploring the uncharted planet of Cedon XIII--

Zeke: Put the logbook down, IJD. Besides, shouldn't I be making the entries?

IJD: I dunno, the command structure on this one is kinda murky. Just go with it.

Marc: Fascinating.

Zeke: What is it, Marc?

Marc: I'm detecting several large lifeforms approaching our vicinity.

Kira: Holy crap... It can't be.

Derek: Wha' is it, lassie?

IJD: And how come you know what stuff in my fantasy is before I do?

Kira: Everyone, duck!

(The four guys obey, as five gelatinous beings come into view. They latch onto each member of the party. Kira alone, fights back, rolling into a ball and setting off a bomb to knock off the creature.)

Kira: Take that!

(The creatures retreat)

Marc: Whoa, how'd you know to fire ice missiles at them like that?

Kira: Just call me Kira Aran.

IJD: Wait a second, shouldn't I have done all that? Have you ever even played Metroid before?

Kira: Meh, I fit the persona better. Now, if you'll excuse me.

Zeke: What the -- GAHH!

(Kira freezes Zeke with an ice missile and jumps on him to reach a nearby cliff)

Kira: Later guys!

Marc: Hmm...

TO BE CONTINUED

Next time on Cliffhangers...

All Alien Nazis, all the time!
Alien Nazi 741: JAWOHL!
Alien Nazi 742: ACHTUNG!
IJD: This has lost some of its shock value.

And everyone suddenly realizes how easy it is to make puns on Marc's name.
Zeke: So would you say that you're a Marced man, Marc?
Marc: Please stop.
Kira: I give that response low Marcs.

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This was originally published on July 24, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: Will we still dare to use copyrighted material? Will we get sued? Tune in next week for these answers and more!

All material © 2004, IJD GAF.