Cliffhangers, Part 5
by IJD GAF
by IJD GAF
An installment of Cliffhanger Week
Previously on Cliffhangers....
Zeke: Brutal combat first, talk later.
Kira: Uh, Zeke... is that a sucking chest wound?
Derek: No! No way! I'm not being Fred!
Zeke: No problem. We'll take a blipvert.
Derek: But why does she look like Fuyu Ginga?
IJD: Is there anything easier to kill?
Marc: Which time?
Zeke: Ha! You'll never get at my soul! It's protected by multiple layers of angst and resentment!
Kira: I think this might be a good time to switch to someone else's fantasy. We don't need another Zuke on our hands.
Derek: You and I have already done ours. That leaves Marc and IJD.
Kira: But which one will it be? WHICH ONE?
Derek: Pause for suspense.
Kira: You're not supposed to actually say that.
IJD: Computer, end program.
(The terrifying scene dissipates into a familiar yellow and black grid)
Derek: Real original, IJD.
Kira: Says the guy who rips off Lewis.
Zeke: Says the gal who rips off Tolkien.
IJD: Relax, I've got something real original planned.
(The five walk through the archway into the corridor outside)
Marc: This place seems incredibly familiar.
Kira: No it doesn't. Where the hell are we?
IJD: Behold, an elevator!
Zeke: I'm bored. Where are you going with this?
Marc: Up, apparently.
Kira: Is it going to plummet thousands of feet with us holding on for dear life?
Derek: Does it go up to the 757th floor?
Marc: Will it take us to the twilight zone?
IJD: Guys, guys –- it's just an elevator.
Kira: (sniff) Correction: Just a cedar-paneled elevator.
Marc: (sigh) I can't wait till my narration....
(When our heroes eventually enter the elevator, the doors close swiftly, only to reopen a moment later to reveal a new destination)
Marc: It's beautiful!
Zeke: My eyes! The bright vivid colors are burning my corneas!
Kira: Where are we?
IJD: (offended) On the bridge of the original. The best. NCC-1701, no bloody A, B, C, D, or E.
Marc: You misquoted.
IJD: Quiet, you.
Kira: I thought you said we were going somewhere original!
Derek: It's hard to get more original than the original.
Kira: That's not what I mea--
Zeke: Naturally, as leader of this staff of writers, I get dibs on the captain's chair.
IJD: My fantasy, my chair.
Zeke: Arg, fine. But I still get to boss everyone around. (Ahem) Marc, scan for stuff. Kira, be careful how you sit in that skirt. Derek, talk funny.
Derek: Aye, Cap'n!
Kira: Don't we need some sort of mission to keep this fantasy going?
Marc: Scans indicate a high concentration of cedar on the fourth planet of this system.
IJD: Woohoo! Let's beam down!
Derek: We cannae leave the ship alone, Gaffy!
IJD: Meh. What's the worst that could happen?
(The five explorers beam down to the planet below)
Captain's Log, Stardate 75775: We are currently exploring the uncharted planet of Cedon XIII--
Zeke: Put the logbook down, IJD. Besides, shouldn't I be making the entries?
IJD: I dunno, the command structure on this one is kinda murky. Just go with it.
Zeke: What is it, Marc?
Marc: I'm detecting several large lifeforms approaching our vicinity.
Kira: Holy crap... It can't be.
Derek: Wha' is it, lassie?
IJD: And how come you know what stuff in my fantasy is before I do?
Kira: Everyone, duck!
(The four guys obey, as five gelatinous beings come into view. They latch onto each member of the party. Kira alone, fights back, rolling into a ball and setting off a bomb to knock off the creature.)
Kira: Take that!
(The creatures retreat)
Marc: Whoa, how'd you know to fire ice missiles at them like that?
Kira: Just call me Kira Aran.
IJD: Wait a second, shouldn't I have done all that? Have you ever even played Metroid before?
Kira: Meh, I fit the persona better. Now, if you'll excuse me.
Zeke: What the -- GAHH!
(Kira freezes Zeke with an ice missile and jumps on him to reach a nearby cliff)
Kira: Later guys!
TO BE CONTINUED
Next time on Cliffhangers...
All Alien Nazis, all the time!
And everyone suddenly realizes how easy it is to make puns on Marc's name.
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All material © 2004, IJD GAF.