Five-Minute Xena: Warrior Princess

by Zeke

Gabrielle: What a beautiful day this is!
Xena: You said it. The sun is shining, the squirrels are chirping, we're surrounded in the boundless natural beauty of whatever the hell country we're in... are you feeling the way I'm feeling?
Gabrielle: I sure am!
Xena: And do you want to do what I want to do?
Gabrielle: Oh, yes, Xena....
(long pause)
Xena and Gabrielle: Killing bad guys!

Thief: GAK!
Xena: That'll teach him to be male. I mean to steal stuff. Come on, let's find some more evildoers.
Joxer: Xena! I just got back from some country and I have bad news. Julius Caesar and Genghis Khan have joined forces!
Gabrielle: Oh no!
Joxer: And they've assembled a huge Mongol gladiator horde!
Xena: There's no time to lose. Let's go kick them to pieces!
Joxer: And the devil built a robot!

Mongol Gladiator: (GRUNT GRUNT) Feminae moriendae sunt!
Gabrielle: How are we going to beat them, Xena? It's LXXVI to one!
Xena: Don't worry. I have a plan. AIEYIYIYIYIYIYIYI!
Mongol Gladiators: GAK!
Gabrielle: Wow. They all died before you even finished your battle cry!
Joxer: Wait! Don't look now, but --
Zombie Mongol Gladiators: CEREBELLA!
Xena: They came back to life? We must be up against a god!
Ares: Don't look at me. I'm so not in on this one. (pause) So wanna go out with m-- OW!

Zombie Mongol Gladiators: GAKO, GAKAS, GAKAT!
Xena: That's the last of them. Now let's go make us some Caesar salad!
Joxer: Oo, oo! And show Khan our wrath?
Xena: Hit him, Gabby.

Genghis Khan: I told you she'd get through our armies. You owe me six denarii.
Julius Caesar: I'll pay you on the Ides.
Xena: Ha! I've found you! Now the two of you will pay the price for --
Julius Caesar: Two? Hardly. Allow me to introduce you to the final member of my Third Triumvirate!
Hitler: JAWOHL!
Xena: What the--? How could--?
Hitler: Komm now! You should know better by now than to expect der historical consistency, Fraulein!

Xena: Whatever. I'll stop you all! AIEYIYI--
Julius Caesar: Not before we unleash our greatest weapon! Behold your doom!
Satan's Robot: (beep) Intruders! Destroy!
Xena: Uh... huh.
Satan's Robot: Curse... you... Proton....
Genghis Khan: "Die Nazi Roboten are unstoppable," you said. "Nobody can defeat die invincible Roboten of das dritte Reich."
Hitler: Beiß mich.

Joxer: Wait, Xena! It's not dead!
Satan's Robot: Destroy! DESTROY!
Xena: Eat chakram, sprocketbox!
Gabrielle: This is the slashiest episode ever.
Xena: Thanks, Joxer. But how did you know?
Joxer: Final bosses are never dead the first time.
Xena: You're a dork. But a magnificent dork.

Gabrielle: Hooray! We've defeated another evil empire. How many does that make this week?
Xena: Let me check my belt. I've had to start putting notches in the notches.
Gabrielle: I really ought to write a song about this. Let's see... "I've got faith of the chakram... I'm going where my --"
Ares: Excuse me, Xena. I'm here on behalf of all the gods in Olympus to command your sidekick to stop that. If she fails to comply, we will be forced to unleash all the powers at our command. In conclusion... will you go out with OW! Right in the godhood!
(Xena and Gabrielle ride off at Ludicrous Speed)


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___ Five-Minute Xena: Warrior Princess

This fiver was originally published on April Fool's Day, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: It's April, fool.

All material © 2004, Colin Hayman.