Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Five-Minute "Turtle Tracks"


April: This is April O'Neil reporting live from some scummy downtown back alley!
Human Rocksteady: Turn the camera off.
April: Hello good sir, could you tell us something newsworthy?
Human Bebop: You heard the man, turn it off!
April: As a reporter on Action News, I have the responsibility to act on this, you know.
Bebop and Rocksteady: (Ahem)
April: Er.... (runs)

Shredder: Mwahahaha!

Human Rocksteady: Come back here!
Shadowy Figure 1: Cowabunga!
Shadowy Figure 2: Radical!
Shadowy Figure 3: Tubular!
Shadowy Figure 4: Gnarly!
Bebop and Rocksteady: AAAAH!
April: Wow! Your command of 80s buzzwords is astonishing! Who are you guys?
Shadowy Figure 4: We're gnarly!
Shadowy Figure 2: And tubular!
Shadowy Figure 1: Cowa--
April: AAAAH! (faints)

Shredder: Mwahahaha!

Leonardo: She's coming to!
April: I feel kinda woozy. I remember a bunch of marketable coolness coming from overly mysterious figures. It was... too much to handle.
Michelangelo: Gnarly!
April: AAAAH! (faints)
Raphael: (SLAP) No more fainting! It interferes with the ability to have interesting dialogue.

Splinter: Here, have some sushi.
April: Thanks, rat man.
Donatello: Yuck! Raw fish!
April: Um... You're a turtle.
Donatello: Point.

April: So what's your story, guys?
Raphael: Nooo! He'll start and he'll never stop!
Splinter: I'm glad you asked! It all started --
Raphael: (sob)
Leonardo: I hate to see a grown turtle cry.

Hamato Yoshi: Behold, I am the noble and good leader of the Foot Clan.
Oroku Saki: Behold, I am the ambitiously evil upstart.

Saki: As foreshadowing of future incompetence, I shall have Yoshi banished in the lamest way imaginable.
Yoshi: Ack! There is a knife pinning my hood to the wall! I am unable to bow!
Sensei: Bow, minion!
Yoshi: Um.... Oooh, I know. I'll remove the knife and wave it menacingly!
Sensei: You're fired.
Yoshi: Rats.

Yoshi: Boy, these sewers sure are cozy. I'm almost glad I can't afford to rent an apartment here.
Rat: Chitter! Chitter!
Yoshi: Now, now... you know what happens when I give you guys cheese....

Boy: Wow! Four new turtles! I hope I don't trip and drop them down the sewer!
Boy's Legs: TRIP
Aquarium: GAK!

Yoshi: Hooray! New friends!
Yoshi: Awww, of course I'll give you guys cool names....

Yoshi: So what do you guys want to do today?
Yoshi: Excellent idea! I'd love to swim in a pool of radioactive purple goo!

Turtles and Yoshi: GAK!
Ninja Turtles and Splinter: Yo.

Splinter: And that is how they became the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
Raphael: After all that talking, we're technically now the Young Adult Mutant Ninja Turtles.
April: Wow, what a catchy name for a group of talented, yet unknown artists.
Splinter: "The Turtles" was taken.

Human Rocksteady: Those guys beat the tar out of us!
Shredder: I know that! I've been watching the whole episode on my spooky monitor of omniscience.
Human Rocksteady: Also, I've kinda been wonderin'... why's my speaker credit so weird?
Shredder: Never mind that! Were those shadowy figures turtles?
Human Rocksteady: Shouldn't you know with your monitor there?
Shredder: Idiot! I must know whether they were turtles!
Human Rocksteady: Why? What does it really matter?
Shredder: It doesn't! Mwahahaha!
Human Rocksteady: Riiight.

Leonardo: Look! One of those thugs left some evidence behind -- it's the matchbook from a pizza parlor downtown!
Michelangelo: Pizza!
Donatello: Pizza!
Raphael: Pizza!
April: What an interesting clue!
(The turtles glare at April)
April: ....and pizza!
Leonardo: Exactly.

April: Help! I'm being abducted by Foot Soldiers!
Raphael: Did you hear something?
Donatello: Yes, but it was distinctly not about pizza.
Leonardo: Great work, gang! We'll finish our meal, then investigate.
Michelangelo: You're the best leader ever, Leo. Don't ever change.

Donatello: Look, April's purse!
Leonardo: Look, purple-clad henchmen!
Raphael: Chop!
Foot Soldier: Fzzt!
Donatello: Wow, they're robots!
Michelangelo: Woohoo! Justification for cartoon violence!

Foot Soldiers: GAK!

Shredder: (on screen) Mwahahaha!
Michelangelo: Woah, it's some Darth Vader look-alike!
Shredder: Crap! Spooky Monitor of Omniscience off!

Shredder: (over the comm) All Foot to the technodrome!
Raphael: Let's check it out, guys; sounds like there's a concert in the basement!
Michelangelo: Cowa--
April: Ugh....
Michelangelo: -- er, saki!

Foot Soldier 1: Let's flood 'em out!
Foot Soldier 2: But they're turtles!
Foot Soldier 1: Don't worry, we're robots -- we're allowed the occasional spurt of illogic.

Water: Boom!
Turtles and April: Run away!
Building: BOOM!

Leonardo: ...and that's why we're late for dinner.
Splinter: This robotic uniform you brought back -- it is the uniform of the Foot Clan!
Donatello: Yeah, we could kinda tell by the foot symbol on the headpiece.
Raphael: Victory is ours! Party time!
Splinter: Not yet. You still must unravel the mystery of the Foot!
Donatello: Namely, why do we have only two toes, but three fingers?
Splinter: Interesting! I shall require time to meditate on this matter further.
Donatello: (Hooray! He fell for it!)
Michelangelo: (Cowabunga!)
April: (Ack!)
(The Turtles party at Ludicrous Speed)


Site navigation:
___ TMNT: Five-Minute "Turtle Tracks"

This fiver was originally published on April 7, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: It's April, fool.

All material © 2004, IJD GAF.