Five-Minute Super Friends

by Sa'ar Chasm

Narrator: Somewhere, in the Grandy Duchy of Ubonga...
Villager: Aiieee! Space hamsters! Miniature giant space hamsters! Quick, call the Super Friends!

Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice...
Batman: Great Scott! Someone is trying to call us on our giant computer.
Robin: Holy unexpected plot complication, Batman!
Batman: Robin, every time you say that, God kills a kitten. Please, think of the kittens.
Villager: Super Friends! Please help us! Our village has been attacked by miniature giant space hamsters!
Robin: I wonder how he knew they're both miniature and giant.
Batman: I wonder how a village in Ubonga has two-way visual communication.

Narrator: Meanwhile, up in the sky over Ubonga...
Superman: Hark, my super-hearing is picking up cries for help. (lands in village) Never fear! I'll fix this super problem in a super jiffy!
Villager: Must you preface every noun with the word "super"?
Superman: Somebody's a super grouch today... Ow! Not in the super face!

Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice...
Robin: So what should we take to Ubonga? The Batjet, the Batcopter, the Batboat, the Batpanzer or the Batconvertible?
Batman: We have a Batconvertible?
Robin: Well, I just painted the Barbie convertible black and glued some bat fins on.

Narrator: Meanwhile, in Ubonga...
Wonder Woman: Superman!
Superman: Wonder Woman! Thank goodness you just showed up out of nowhere right where I happened to be!
Wonder Woman: Superman, the space hamsters are attacking Norway now. I'm going to fly there in my invisible jet... just as soon as I remember where I left it.

Narrator: Meanwhile, in a different part of the episode...
Zan: Hi! This is the part of the episode where we feature the bumbling antics of the Wonder Twins. Think of us as this show's Wesley Crusher, only without the intelligence, charm or hot mother.
Jayna: What could be more annoying than that?
Gleek: Ook eek eek aah aah!
Jayna: Oh yeah, the space monkey.

Narrator: Meanwhile, somewhere in Norway...
Zan: Look, Jayna! The space hamsters are right at the edge of that fjord!
Jayna & Zan: Wonder Twin powers... ACTIVATE!
Jayna: Form of... a lemming!
Zan: Shape of... an ice trampoline!
Aquaman: Wonder Twins! I heard you activate your powers and figured you'd need rescuing in about five minutes. What are you planning to do?
Jayna: I'm going to trick those space hamsters into jumping into this fjord.
Zan: And I'm going to catch her.
Aquaman: I don't believe this.
Gleek: Ook eek eeek ook ook! (Translation: I don't believe someone actually got paid to write this.)

Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice...
Batman: Okay, before we go, let's make one last equipment check: Bathooks, Bat-Disintegrator Rays, Bat-iPods, portable Batcomputers, Bat-Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters and Bat-Riot Shields... anything we've forgotten?
Robin: The space hamsters might have the Baseball of Doom.
Batman: You're right... go get the Bat-Bat.

Narrator: Meanwhile, somewhere else in Norway...
Aquaman: Batman! Robin! Thank goodness you're here. The space hamsters have all been enslaved by a voodoo vampire.
Batman: That's weird.
Aquaman: I've seen weirder.
Batman: Can you beat an energy creature living inside a black hole big enough to swallow the earth whole?
Aquaman: The Titanic. Possessed by seaweed. Eating the Cape Race lighthouse.
Batman: Did I mention the black hole had an off switch?

Narrator: Meanwhile, at the Hall of Justice...
Black Vulcan: Is it just me, or are we being ignored?
Apache Chief: Apache. Chief. Not. Like. Being. Token.
Samurai: In Samurai tradition, one does not compl--
Apache Chief: Minority.
Samurai: Sorry, I thought you were finished.

Narrator: Meanwhile, in... oh, sod it.
Superman: I've got an idea! If I fly around the space hamsters in circles really fast, maybe they'll get confused and give up.
Wonder Woman: Does flying in circles ever work?
Superman: Sometimes. Look! There's Aquaman and Batman. Quick, let's land while labouriously describing our every action.
Batman: Thank goodness you're here, Superman. Robin has discovered that the voodoo vampire who possessed the space hamsters was really an octopus mutated by exposure to the leaking reactor of a nuclear submarine.
Aquaman: This means I can use my one and only superpower and talk the space hamsters into running away. Oh no! It didn't work. Instead of running away, they're stunning a lei.
Robin: Holy Hawaiian Necklace, Batman! Look! The lei has wrapped itself around their throats and strangled them!
Batman: Well, I guess we can lei this case to rest, then.
Adam West: That's it! I quit! I'm a legitimate actor, dammit! Find some other poor schmoe to do this.

Narrator: And thus concludes another exciting episode of Syuuuuuuper Friends! Tune in again next week for another dose of "Dear Lord, why do I watch this show?"
(Another episode gets "written" at Ludicrous Speed)


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___ Five-Minute Super Friends

This fiver was originally published on April 7, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: It's April, fool.

All material © 2004, Steven Maguire.