Five-Minute Smallville

by Derek Dean

Clark: Just look at the beautiful Kansas landscape that surrounds our small town.
Pete: If it's so small, how come we don't have any recurring characters? Now having used up my one line for this episode, I think I'll go find Travis Mayweather and see if we can't find a local Blues bar.
Clark: Well, if it's not small, then why is it called Smallville?
Chloe: Because the founders of the town were the Smalls. Just another way in which this show rewrites continuity.
Clark: Hey, we're not Enterprise. Who cares about continuity?

Jonathan: Clark, you should use your powers for good, but you shouldn't ever tell anyone you have them.
Clark: Why should I listen to you?
Martha: You should listen to him because he's your father, but if that isn't good enough, he's also Bo Duke from "The Dukes of Hazzard."
Clark: And who are you?
Martha: I'm your mother, and if that isn't good enough, I was also Lana Lang in Superman III.
Clark: Just what I needed, an Oedipus complex.

Lana: Clark, what's your big secret that you keep hiding?
Clark: Secret? What secret? Changing the subject quickly, wanna go out?
Lana: Okay.

Lex: Clark, what's your big secret that you keep hiding?
Clark: Secret? What secret? Changing the subject quickly, what's your evil dad up to?
Lex: He's trying to find out your secret.

Kryptonite-Enhanced Freak of the Week: MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Now where's Lana so I can kidnap her?
Lana: AAAAH!
Freak: You know, it's not politically correct to keep showing a helpless female getting captured by a villain every week.
Lana: Okay. (PUNCH!) AAAAH!
Freak: Better.

Lionel: Lex, why are you constantly scheming against me?
Lex: That prophecy about the father killing the son keeps freaking me out.
Lionel: (hiding gun) I'm sure that prophecy is totally false.

Freak: Bwahahaha! I've got Lana and now no one can stop me!
Clark: Except me!
Freak: But I'm a Kryptonite-enhanced Freak of the Week. Kryptonite is your weakness!
Clark: Oh no! Not Kypton-- I mean, meteor rocks!

Freak: Bwahahaha! At last we have our showdown in the middle of the town, in full daylight, with the entire town looking on!
Clark: Oh no! How do I defeat the villain without exposing my powers? Wait, I know!
Entire Town: Meh. Nothing new to see here.

Lana: Clark, I can't keep going out with you if you won't trust me with your secret.
Clark: Secret? What secret? Wait, does that mean we're not going out anymore?
Lana: I honestly don't know. It's not like our relationship changes much either way.
(Clark has lots and lots and lots of teen angst at Ludicrous Speed)


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___ Five-Minute Smallville

This fiver was originally published on April 3, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: It's April, fool.

All material © 2004, Derek Dean.