The O.C.: Five-Minute "The Pilot"

by Zeke

Trey: Heh heh. We are totally stealing this car.
Trey: Heh heh. We are totalling this stolen car.
Ryan: That's really clever. Know what else is clever? Shut the hell up.

Sandy Cohen: You're a smart kid. Why would you do this?
Ryan: I'm not answering any questions until I talk to my lawyer.
Sandy: I'm your lawyer.
Ryan: I know.
Sandy: (sigh) Well, I can keep you from going to jail. I have this trick I do where I point out that "helping your brother steal a car" isn't specifically mentioned in the criminal code.
Ryan: Wasn't I abetting, man?
Sandy: Only if you're fond of gambling.

Ryan's Mom: You slimeball! You worthless chunk of trash! You dsokdpach!
Sandy: I can see you're in good hands here, Ryan, but if you need anything, give me a call.
Ryan: I don't have a quarter.
Sandy: Here's one. See? That's the kind of thing I'm talking about.

Ryan: Good to be back home.
Ryan's Mom: Get out! Get out of this house! I hate you!
Ryan's Mom's Jerk Boyfriend: Do as she says, punk!
Ryan: Ah... home is where the heart is.

Sandy: You can stay at my massive house tonight. We won't even notice you're there.
Ryan: Thanks. Won't your wife have something to say about it, though?
Sandy: Kirsten? Naaah. She's completely reasonable and understanding.

Kirsten: Are you out of your mind?
Sandy: That's a nice little irony with the previous scene there, honey.
Kirsten: Oh, be quiet. He can stay, but I'm bolting down everything in the poolhouse.
Sandy: What if Seth's in the poolhouse?
Kirsten: Then he won't be leaving for a while.

Ryan: (smoke)
Marissa: Hey, you can't keep smoking those if you're going to be the main character. Why not give them to me?
Ryan: To smoke?
Marissa: Of course not. Yes. By the way, in case you can't tell from the slow, lingering closeups of us with our hair in the breeze, we're being set up together.
Ryan: Who's that pulling up in the truck?
Marissa: An obstacle.

Sandy: Well, Ryan's settled in the poolhouse. I'm sure he'll be --
Sandy: What was that?
Kirsten: Oh, he must have touched something.
Sandy: When you said you bolted everything down... did you by any chance mean with lightning bolts?
Kirsten: Why do you ask?

Seth: 'Morning, guy. What's with your hair?
Ryan: Don't ask. You're Seth, right?
Seth: Yep. I answer to Xander too. Sit down and watch me kick your butt at video games.
Sandy: You guys shouldn't stay inside all day. Seth, why not show Ryan around the O.C.?
Seth: I dunno, Dad... direct sunlight....

Government Guys: Hello. Can we speak to your father?
Marissa: He told me to say he's not in right now.
Government Guys: We'll be back.
Marissa: What was that about?
Jimmy Cooper: Oh, nothing, kiddo. Certainly nothing necessarily incriminating.

Ryan: So your hot neighbour invited me to a fashion show.
Seth: Really? If Marissa's there then Summer will be there. And if Summer's there then I can stare at her longingly. And if I stare at her longingly for long enough she'll notice me. Dude, logic commands that we go.
Ryan: Who's Summer?
Seth: Want the full bio or just a Summery?

Julie Cooper: This fashion show will be wonderful, dear. It's another opportunity for us to prove we Coopers run this community.
Marissa: And to show some fashion, right?
Julie: Whatever. Are you ready, Jimmy?
Jimmy: (offscreen) Let me just put away all these papers relating to my massive secret debt. ...Okay, done.

Ryan: Thanks for letting me borrow this suit for the show.
Sandy: No problem. You know, there's no shame in not knowing how to tie a tie.
Ryan: I know how to tie a tie.
Sandy: Apparently you know how to tie a tie in a sheepshank knot.

Summer: Cool party, Coop. Where's Luke?
Marissa: Over at the bar insulting people. He's such a great obstacle. I mean boyfriend.
Summer: Ooooo! Who's that hot guy over there?
Marissa: Don't get your hopes up. I get the lingering closeups with him.

Ryan: So which one's Summer?
Seth: See where I'm cowering behind you here? She's in the opposite direction.
Ryan: You'll never get her attention this way. Just go over and say hi.
Seth: You might as well tell me to just go over the lip of Mount Doom and say hi to Sauron.
Ryan: ....Is that something hard?

Marissa: Hi, everybody! Thanks for coming to the fashion show. So, um. Here are some girls.
Luke and His Other Jerk Friends: Woohoo!
Marissa: In some clothes.
Luke and His Other Jerk Friends: Awww.
Marissa: You know, fashion clothes. Skimpy and such.
Luke and His Other Jerk Friends: Woohoo!
Marissa: And that's what makes this a fashion show. Do I sound drunk? 'Cause I've only had like two vodkas.

Sandy: That's quite a dress Marissa's got. Must have been expensive.
Jimmy: Well, it wasn't my money I was spending. -- That's a joke. Ha ha ha.
Sandy: No need to tell me it was a joke. We all trust you implicitly in handling our money.
Jimmy: And boy, should you! I'm going to go cry in the bathroom now.

Summer: That was a great show. Wasn't that a great show?
Ryan: Um --
Summer: We're going to a party now. You know, all us cool people. Wanna come?
Ryan: Um --
Summer: Great! See you there, hot stuff.
Ryan: Let's go, Seth. She invited you.
Seth: You can't fool me. I clearly heard her and she didn't.
Ryan: It was implied.
Seth: Just enough of a straw to grasp at. Let's go.

Music: BOOM shaka BOOM shaka BOOM
Summer: This is a great party. Isn't this a great party?
Marissa: You're deep tonight.
Summer: I'm always deep. Hey, stop exchanging lingering glances with Ryan. I want him.
Marissa: Sorry. If I stopped glancing at Ryan, I'd notice Luke sneaking off with Holly.
Summer: Holly... crazy girl. Throws a great party, though. Isn't this a great party?

Kirsten: Is everything okay, Jimmy? You seem harried.
Jimmy: Have you met my wife?
Kirsten: Harried more than usual. I'm worried about you. And not just because you were my longtime boyfriend and there's lots of baggage.
Jimmy: The only baggage here is this trash I'm taking out. And the only thing in the baggage is about 2600 "Past Due" notices. So don't worry, I'm fine.

Seth: Party this drunker and drunker getting is. Hic.
Summer: Ryan! You are sooooooo hic. Great party isn't this?
Seth: Hey! Hic! Ryan, are you hiccing on my dream girl?
Ryan: No, I swear! Am I the only sober person here?
Seth: Oh, I guess they have hiccer alcohic tolerance in Chino!
Everyone: (GASP) Chino?
Summer: Eww! He's a hic!

Ryan: Are you guys beating up Seth?
Bully: (holding Seth upside down) No.
Ryan: Well, stop it. He just embarrassed me in public, which is technically nicer than anything my real brother's done for me lately, so I'm defending him.
Luke: Defend this!
Ryan: Dude, work on the witty banter.
Luke: That would require wit.

Seth: Wow! Man, you totally saved me!
Ryan: Didn't we both get the crap beaten out of us?
Seth: Details. I'll never forget this. You're the best guy ever! Except for Han Solo, Worf, and Cyclops.
Ryan: ....Are they good?

Summer: I'll just leave Marissa passed out in her driveway here. I'm sure Ryan will come down and carry her to her poolhouse and it'll be very sweet and touching and there'll be closeups. Stupid Marissa.

Kirsten: Where were you last night?
Seth: IMAX theatre.
Kirsten: What happened to your face?
Seth: Interactive shark movie.
Kirsten: Get in the house. You're grounded till I realize that this means you've finally started hanging out with cool kids.

Ryan: Thanks for your hospitality. Have some bacon.
Kirsten: Mmmmmm. Good bacon. Don't slam the door on your way out.
Sandy: Can't you try to be fair to Ryan?
Kirsten: I'm not a softie like you. Maybe if we had two more episodes or so, but we don't.

Seth: I'm gonna miss you, dude. Good luck. Be cool, like Cyclops.
Ryan: What is it with you and Cyclops?
Seth: His real name has Summer in it.
Ryan: I'm gonna miss you too, man.

Sandy: Here we are at your house. The trip sure took longer than I thought.
Ryan: Well, we had to slow down for that lingering glance between me and Marissa as we passed her.
Sandy: Ah, right.
Ryan: What the--? The house is empty! Do you know what this means?
Sandy: The Trading Spaces team is half done and on lunch break?
Ryan: I'm... she's....
Sandy: Get back in the car, kid. It'll be okay. It'll be angsty, but it'll be okay.
(Sandy drives Ryan back at Ludicrous Speed)


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___ The O.C.: Five-Minute "The Pilot"

This fiver was originally published on April 4, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: It's April, fool.

All material © 2004, Colin Hayman.