Five-Minute LEXX

by Zeke

Brunnen G Pilot: (over the comm) I'm going down, Rogue Leader! I -- GAK!
Kai: That's the last of the squadron, and the planet's already been destroyed! How could an attack by several small but brave ships against a monstrous planet-killer go so badly?
R2D2: beep beep do-boop
Kai: You're right. All I can do now is ram their bridge and hope I kill His Shadow.
His Shadow: You didn't.
Kai: Crap.

Officer: So much for the last of the Brunnen G. I'll go feed his corpse to something.
His Shadow: Stop! I have a plan for him....
Officer: What, throw him at a baby seal?
His Shadow: An even better plan!

2008 Years Later: Wait, two thousand eight years? Weird.

Propaganda Video: We worship His Shadow. Don't we, Stanley?
Stanley Tweedle: Yawwwwnn--
Video: DON'T WE?
Stan: Yes! Geez! I'm up already! Take it easy.
Video: I'm a propaganda video. If necessary, I would have picked you up and shaken you.

Stan: Let's see. We've got the ubiquitous technology....
Bizarre Machines: Hello.
Stan: We've got the subliminal messages....
Computer Voice: At the tone, the time will be 9allmustworshipHisShadow:00. (BEEP)
Stan: We've got the threatening posters....
Poster: Big Shadow is watching you. I mean His Brother. I mean Brother Shadow. I mean His Big. I mean... hey, that last one sounded dirty, didn't it?
Stan: What else do we need to complete this Orwellian picture?
Stan's Boss: You're three seconds late for work. Report to the Correction Centre!
Stan: Ahhh yes... oppressive punishments.

His Shadow: GAAAA...
Cleric: Quick! Transfer him to his new body before he can say the K!

Judge Robot: Prisoner Zev, you are found guilty of being a really, really fat woman.
Zev: Justice at its purest.
Judge: You are sentenced to become a sex slave.
All the Men in the Room: ...What?
Judge: After being put through our hot-chick-maker device.
All the Men in the Room: Ohhhhhh.
All the Women in the Room: (slap all the men in the room)

Divine Predecessors: How do you feel after the transfer?
His Shadow: Oh, fine, thanks. Finely insane!
Divine Predecessor 1: Uh oh. Did we screen this new body?
Divine Predecessor 2: It was the body of a perfectly normal citizen. Joran something.
His Shadow: Well, I guess it's time to begin my mission to destroy all the 20,000 Planets.
Divine Predecessor 1: Your mission is to protect the 20,000 Planets!
His Shadow: What can hurt them once they're destroyed?

Stan: So what happens if, um... some guy... doesn't show up for Correction?
Guard: Dies.
Stan: Okay. What happens if he does?
Guard: Donates three organs.
Stan: Eeeeep. Can I have some time to think about it?
Guard: What's to think about? It's some guy's problem.

Divine Predecessor 1: Well, here we are being loaded onto the LEXX, the greatest weapon of destruction ever to be shaped like some kind of wingless moth.
Divine Predecessor 2: A great achiever in an admittedly narrow field.
Stan: You know, I'm the greatest weapon of destruction ever to be named Stanley Tweedle.
Divine Predecessor 1: Get back in your own plotline.

Thodin: How could a rebel leader like me be captured by an evil empire? No matter -- I'll escape thanks to my little explosive bug robot.
Bug: I can't believe I had to hide in your nose. Yecccch. I'll be running diagnostics for a week.
Thodin: You'll be shrapnel in less than ten minutes.
Bug: And for my first week in the robot afterlife, I'll be running diagnostics.

Judge: Prisoner Thodin, for your unbelievably horrible crimes....
Man in Audience: (What did he do?)
Thodin: I invented reality TV! And I'd do it again!
Judge: Silence! You have earned the following sentence:

Announcer: You 50 children are the finest the 20,000 Planets have to offer. You're the kind of namby-pamby goody-two-shoes kids any normal kid would want to punch in the nose. You have earned the following reward:

Bug: Actually, do I believe in a robot afterlife? Maybe I'm a di-agnostic who's not sure if there's two robot afterlives or not. Oh well. (BOOM)

Judge: to be presented with shiny medals.

Announcer: to be eaten by Cluster Lizards.
Kids: Um... is there any chance those two lines got mixed up? Was it maybe just a clerical error or --
Cluster Lizards: GRRRRAAAAAAARR!
Kids: Crap.

Thodin: Ha! I can't believe that worked! Now to free the other Heretics. We could use some exposition about who I and the Heretics are, actually.
Heretics: Later.
Thodin: Yeah. I guess I'll free this woman too. After all, any enemy of the Cluster must be a good guy, right?
Giggerota: Actually, I'm a violent cannibal.
Thodin: Whatever. Go eat someone important.

Stan: Okay, guys? I have a confession to make. I'm "some guy" and I --
Computer Voice: All citizens, the man on the screen is Stanley Tweedle. He must be brought to the Correction Centre for execution. Or heck, just kill him yourself, I don't care.
Stan: -- am perhaps just a bit too late.

Zev: Next comes a complicated sequence which is tricky to put into dialogue. First, the hot-chick-maker device....
Hot-Chick-Maker Device: Hi.
Zev: ...starts making me a hot chick. Then this Cluster Lizard....
Cluster Lizard: GRAAR.
Zev: ...comes to eat me, but gets its head caught in the machine. So now I'm hot and part Cluster Lizard. With me so far?
Audience: Uh --
Zev: Now I notice the mental love-slave conditioning device about to start, so I grab this robot head that was whacked off its body....
790: Hi.
Zev: ....and put it where my head was so it gets the conditioning instead.
790: Ow!
Zev: And now I....
Zev: Hi.
Zev: the first thing the newly lovestruck robot head sees. Yes, a question in the back?
Audience Member: Yeah, why does a device meant for a human brain work on a robot head?
Judge: You are found guilty of questioning the plot and are sentenced to immediate death.

Stan: I believe it is now time to flee in terror!
Zev: Hey, me too. Can I come with?
Stan: My lips say no, but your body says yes. --Ow!
Zev: Wait, it's to my advantage now when men are shallow. I take back that slap.

Guard 1: Hey, is that Thodin and his gang of Heretics heading for the LEXX?
Guard 2: (squints) I think so.
Guard 1: We should probably get killed trying to stop them.
Guard 2: Yeah, good idea.

Thodin: What are you doing here?
Stan: Thodin? Hey, this is great! You didn't die because of me!
Thodin: You betrayed the rebellion! I should kill you right now!
Stan: Can we come with you?
Thodin: Yeah, sure.

Officer: There's a ragtag crew of misfits boarding the LEXX.
His Shadow: Damn! They'll get a series out of this if we're not careful. Send the Brunnen G assassin and then kill yourself.
Officer: What? Why?
His Shadow: Because he's a good shot.

Thodin: Time for that exposition. Due to the revolt I led which you betrayed, I gained the key to the LEXX, which will let me command it.
Kai: Hello.
Thodin: Okay, new plan. I give this random Heretic the key and sacrifice myself fighting Kai here.
Stan: I like that plan.
Thodin: You would, betraye--
Stan: Geez, get a new line.

Cluster Lizard: GRRRRAAAAAR!
Random Heretic: AAAARGH, he's got me! Someone else take the key-- dammit, not him!
Stan: Hee hee. Now who's the Keymaster?
Zev: Okay, that gets a slap.

Thodin: So, we gonna do this thi-- GAK!
Kai: Yep.

Stan: LEXX! I have the key, right?
LEXX: Of course, Divine Shadow.
Stan: Ooooo, cool. Take us out of here.
LEXX: Yes, Divine Shadow. After giving Kai a second to get on board.
Stan: Hey, I didn't tell you to do that.
LEXX: Dramatic necessity has a key too.

His Shadow: This situation requires drastic action. And I think we can all agree that cutting my own brain out by hand is about as drastic as it gets.

Zev: So what was all that about your being a traitor?
Stan: I slightly gave His Shadow the amino acid codes that let him create the LEXX and destroy hundreds of planets. But under torture. And only slightly.
790: That doesn't matter. What matters is that I love Zev. Right, Zev?
Zev: I have a feeling I'd better get used to this.

Kai: Hello.
Stan: Oh no, he found us! Throw someone dispensable at him!
Zev: Good idea....
Giggerota: Put me down, female! I'm not disp--
Kai: Lucky how she just bounced off me and fell to her doom.
Stan: Yes, that was great luck.
Kai: Now to kill -- what's that, Divine Predecessors? You're being eaten? I'll be right there. Don't you people go anywhere.
Stan: Um, we won't?

Cluster Lizard: (crunch crunch crunch)
Kai: Stop eating all those old brains!
Cluster Lizard: GRRRRAAAAA--K!
Kai: I think that K means he's dead. Hey, what's that little piece of brain there?
Divine Predecessors: No! Don't touch --
Kai: Whoa! I remember stuff!
Divine Predecessors: Great. Just great. Now he's an undead man with a soul.

Stan: I know a place we can go where His Shadow can't follow. The coordinates are -- OW! Wow, how'd you know I was going to say they were in my tooth?
Zev: I didn't. I was just whacking you in the face with 790.
Stan: Oh. Well, it was the right idea anyway.
790: Do it again!

Kai: I'm on your side now!
Zev: That's so sexy.
Stan and 790: (pout)
His Shadow: Ha! Didn't expect me to show up, did you?
Kai: You! I can't believe you made me do all that assassin stuff!
His Shadow: And what are you going to do about it?
Kai: I don't know... assassinate?
His Shadow: Ulp.

Zev: Let's help Kai by smashing the rest of these Divine Predecessor brains.
Stan: I like this a lot better than when you were -- OW!
Zev: Sorry. I was aiming for a brain there.
Stan: Were no-- OW!
Zev: Sorry again.
790: I love you!

His Shadow: Now you will die, Brunnen G!
Kai: Sorry, can you repeat that? I didn't hear you. Oh wait, you can't because your head is gone.
His Shadow's Energy Form: Not really a problem.
Kai: Oh. Too bad. That was a good gloat.

LEXX: Hey, a Fractal Core. Can I fly through it?
Stan: Sure.
LEXX: Hey, His Shadow's massive ship followed us. Can I destroy it?
Stan: Do you have to hassle me with every little question?

His Shadow's Massive Ship: Ow.

Kai: Apparently that was a good idea. His Shadow vanished when we went through the fractal core.
790: Someone must have turned the lights on.
Stan, Kai, and Zev: ...Huh?
790: You'd get it if you were a superintelligent head like me.

Stan: So we're lost in unexplored space on an incredibly advanced, partially-alive starship we didn't really earn, with a crew divided by internal conflicts.
Zev: It's unheard of.
Stan: What if the bad guys Hunt for us?
790: Oh, is the little human scared? Go Crichton your mommy.
Zev: Now 790, don't be a bad boy, be a Gideon.
Kai: This is a bad situation Janeway you slice it.
(The LEXX heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


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___ Five-Minute LEXX

This fiver was originally published on April 9, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: It's April, fool.

All material © 2004, Colin Hayman.