Five-Minute Lois & Clark

by Zeke

Spaceship: CRASH
Jonathan Kent: There's a crater in the cornfield, dear Martha, dear Martha, there's a crater in the cornfield, dear Martha, a crater.
Martha Kent: Then fix it, dear Jonathan, etc., etc., then fix it, etc., etc., fix it.

Jonathan: Good Lord! A spaceship! Who ever heard of something so bizarre happening in Kansas?
Martha: Open it! Maybe there's candy inside.
Jonathan: Hmmm... no, looks more like a baby. Hello, baby.
Clark: Here's an interesting question. Should my speaker credit be "Clark" or "Superman"? In fact, at this point maybe it should still be "Kal-El."
Jonathan: A nitpicking baby!

Clark: Years later, I'm all grown up and living in Metropolis, the biggest fictional city this side of Gotham.
Perry White: I like your use of descriptive adjectives. You're hired.
Lois: Welcome to the Daily Planet. That's the last polite thing I'm planning to say to you, so savour it.
Jimmy Olsen: Lois is okay when you get to know her. Not that I'd know, she doesn't speak to me. Anyway, I'm Jimmy Olsen and you'll be reporting to me.
Clark: Suuure. Go get me a coffee.
Jimmy: Yessir.

Criminals: We are committing crimes, in accordance with our being criminals.
Clark: What with all my powers, I should probably stop them. But first I need some sort of costume.
Martha: Say no more! I made this out of the invincible blankets in your spaceship.
Clark: Hmmm... I like it. It has exactly the right amount of gay. But how did you penetrate invincible blankets with a needle and thread?
Martha: I'm stronger than I look.

Pedestrian 1: Look, up in the sky! It's a bird!
Pedestrian 2: It's a plane!
Pedestrian 3: It's... Superman!
Superman: No, actually that was a bird. I'm standing over here.

Lois: Wow, that Superman is really hot.
Clark: I don't think he's so hot. Not like, oh... me....
Lois: Pfft. Don't flatter yourself, Kent.
Lex Luthor: How about me?
Lois: You're reasonably hot. But evil, so it's a dilemma.
Clark: Hey Lex! How've you been?
Lex: Excuse me, do I know you?
Clark: Of course you do! We went to school together, remember?
Lex: No....
Clark: And how did you get your hair back?

Lex: Lois, will you marry me?
Lois: Yes.
Lois: Wait, no.
Lex: NOOOOOOOOOO! (jumps off LexCorp building)
Lois: Wait, yes. Lex? Hello? Oooh... guess that's a no after all.

Nigel: Poor Mr. Luthor. Good thing I know an expert on bringing dead characters back to life.
Denise Crosby: Hi.

Daniel Scardino: This meeting of the Obstacles to Lois and Clark's Relationship Organization will now come to order.
Cat Grant: Actually, I have to go play Captain Lochley. See you later.
Mayson Drake: I'd stick around too, but I'm about to get killed.
Daniel Scardino: Great. I'd better just leave now before anything happens to me.
Superman: (hovering above him with a giant rock) Yes, that would be a real pity.

H. G. Wells: You know what you two need? Time travel!
Clark: You have got to be kidding me.

Lois: Brrrr. Being frozen and defrosted seems cool at first, but then isn't.
Clark: It's just not fair how you keep getting your life endangered! It's time I did something in return. Lois, will you marry me?
Lois: Who's asking -- Clark or Batman?
Clark: What?
Lois: I figured out your secret identity. You're Batman.
Clark: No, I'm Superman.
Lois: That was my next guess.

Clark: So, will you marry me?
Lois: I'm not sure....

Lois: Okay, I'll marry you.
Clark: Now I'm not sure.

Clark: Okay, I'll --
Lois: Not sure.

Lois: Okay.
Clark: Not --
Fans: Oh, for God's sake!
Lois: All right, we'll stop all this indecision. Instead, we'll get married, only I'll turn out to be a clone created by the resurrected Lex Luthor, and then I'll lose my memory, and the clone and I will both be around for several confusing episodes, and then in the final showdown with Luthor I'll lose my memory again and not get it back for several more episodes.
Fans: Um... thanks?

Tempus: You know what you two need? More time travel!
Clark: You have got to be kidding us.

Kryptonians: Come join us Kryptonians, Kal-El. We'll give you pie.
Superman: Okay, I'll join you, but only as a cliffhanger. I'll change my mind afterwards.
Kryptonians: Then you don't get any pie.

Priest: I now pronounce you man and Superman and wife. You may kiss the bride.
Clark: Woohoo! We're married for real now! No more clones or aliens or --
Lois: You're still an alien.
Clark: Oh. Well, nothing wrong with that. It'll provide some useful marital angst.

H. G. Wells: Time travel!
Lois: Kidding.

Clark: It's too bad we can't have a baby.
Deus ex Machina: Here's one!
Lois: What the--? Where did it come from?
ABC: I guess you'll never know, will you?
(ABC cancels the show at Ludicrous Speed)


Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Lois & Clark

This fiver was originally published on April 3, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: It's April, fool.

All material © 2004, Colin Hayman.