Five-Minute Felicity

by Zeke

Dear Sally: I know you don't exist yet, because the monks won't change everyone's memories to include you for another year or so, but I've decided to narrate my college years and I needed someone to narrate them to. It would be silly to just spontaneously record "logs" or something. So you're elected.
Sally: No problem.
Stop that.

My high school graduation went pretty well, all things considered....
Principal: Congratulations! Here's your diploma.
Felicity: Why is it on fire?
Principal: You burned down the school. It seemed appropriate.
It's okay, a snake ate him. Then it was time to go to college, but I wasn't sure where to go....
Felicity: Hmm. Harvard or Yale? Maybe Princeton? I hear Duke is good....
Felicity's Mom: You know full well you didn't get accepted at any of those schools.
So I came to New York. It was a totally rational decision.
Felicity: That Ben guy is hot! If he's going to New York, so am I!
Ahem. Totally rational.
Felicity: Also, I like the letters N and Y.

I met some interesting people in New York. There was Meghan, my roommate.
Meghan: Hi! I like magic. Let's be friends.
Felicity: Why is the entire room full of frogs?
Meghan: Every so often one of my spells doesn't quite completely go like it's supposed to.
There was Julie, a guitarist.
Julie: Next I'd like to play a song drawn from my real life. Death... death... deaaaaaath to the fuzzy-haired girl....
Felicity: I'd be annoyed, but boy is it catchy.
There was Javier, who ran the coffee house and was in charge of being gay.
Javier: I'm Javier. Shut up.
Most important, there was Noel, the sun god.
Noel: No, I explained this already. "R. A." stands for residence advisor. I'm not the Egyptian god Ra.
Felicity: I have brought a cat to sacrifice to you, O mighty one.

Over that first year, I kind of went back and forth...
Felicity: I love you, Ben!
Ben: Score!
Felicity: No, wait. I love you, Noel.
Noel: Woot!
Felicity: Hang on. I think I love Ben.
Ben: Ha!
Felicity: Or Noel.
Noel: Bing!
The real problem was that the guys started running out of sound effects.
Felicity: Hmmm... maybe Ben.
Ben: Bizingo!
Felicity: But then there's Noel.
Noel: Schrok!

At the end of the school year, I had to choose which one of them to spend the summer with, and my choice would change everything. They each made their case to me....
Ben: I'm hotter!
Noel: At least I have a soul!
Ben: I could get one!
Eventually I chose... ha! Not telling! Till next year.

Okay, now it's next year. I chose Ben.
Ben: In your face, poofter!
But then I broke up with him.
Ben: I'll be back. In the meantime, I'll make the worst dating decisions I can think of.

Next I started seeing David. He worked for the government on some sort of secret military initiative and I thought that was hot.
Felicity: You're hot, Noel.
David: I'm David.
Felicity: Right.
After another 50 or so of those Freudian slips, it occurred to me I might actually want Noel. Besides, by then David was getting his blood sucked on the side, and I wasn't too happy about that. So I dumped him.
David: Ow!
Out the window.
David: GAK!
From fifty stories up. I didn't like him much.

Then we did a Twilight Zone parody.
Felicity: Who is Number One?
Noel: You are Number Six.
Felicity: Who is Number One?
Noel: You are Number Six.
I said a Twilight Zone parody!
Felicity: Submitted for your approval: Who is Number One?
Noel: You are now entering... Number Six.

Right, enough of that. Then I took a job at the student health clinic.
Greg: We're looking for someone annoyingly left-wing.
Felicity: How well does it pay?
Not too well, it turned out, so I decided to run for president. I ran on a platform designed to appeal to compassionate liberals like me.
Campaign Posters: Vote for Felicity Porter or we'll club 5000 baby seals with homeless people.
The voters called my bluff and elected Richard, who had run on a platform of clubbing me with a baby seal.
Felicity: Ow!
Baby Seal: Urp.

As the year wore on, it became obvious that Ben wasn't over me.
Girl: Wanna go out with --
Ben: Are you Felicity? Are you? Huh? I didn't think so! Get out of my sight! And get me one of those onion-blossom things!
Girl: Yessir.
That, and the fact that he was hot, and the fact that I'd dumped Noel again for some reason, made me get back together with him.
Ben: Score!
Felicity: You've used that one.
Ben: No, it was a suggestion. Let's score.
However, because of job locations and whatnot, I couldn't spend the summer with him.
Ben: Stupid whatnot!

I have no idea what the hell happened in my third year, so we'll just skip that.

At the start of fourth year, Ben and I were still together, but I slept with Noel anyway.
Felicity: The ironic thing is that I'll later show absolutely no tolerance when Ben cheats on me.
Noel: You really suck at pillow talk, you know that?
I tried to keep it a secret from Ben, but he found out anyway.
Ben: Noel just killed twelve people! He lost his soul, didn't he? Didn't he?
Felicity: Okay, yeah, but... um... we took it out by magic, on purpose?
Ben: A likely story!
Ben dumped me.
Felicity: Ow!
But from only three stories. And I landed on Noel, knocking him out long enough for Meghan to restore his soul, so it was all good.

Meanwhile, Javier was still gay.
Javier: Shut up. And hey, am I Giles or Oz or what?
They're straight. You could be Larry or Andrew.
Javier: I wanna be Giles.
And Noel wants his own show. Suck it up.

Oh, have I mentioned Elena and Tracy? They were people. They nearly got married, but then Tracy backed out.
Tracy: Don't be mad! I saw an alternate future that sucked because we got married!
Elena: And you're aware you're about to have no future, right?
So Sean and Meghan got married instead. Oh, I forgot to mention Sean. He makes documentaries.
Sean: Behold my latest masterwork: Felicity, Slayer of the Vampyres!
So wait, that's what, Willow/Andrew? Oh well. Whatever.

Then Ben got this girl named Lauren pregnant. He didn't take it well at first.
Nurse: Mr. Covington, you're going to be a f--
Ben: See this railroad spike? See it? It's your new piercing if you don't shut up!
But eventually he took responsibility and did the right thing.
Ben: Lauren, I want to be a part of our baby's life.
Lauren: It's okay. I'm moving to Arizona.
Ben: Thank GOD! Woo hoo! This is the most glorious, effulgent day ever! Whoopie-ki-yay! La cucaracha!

So I got back together with Ben and everybody was happy.
Javier: I'm not happy. I wanna be Giles.
Then I plagiarized an essay.
Professor: "...and in conclusion, the Continuum rocks. By Icheb. I mean Felicity Porter." What the...?
But that blew over, and I graduated.
Chancellor: Congratulations! Here's your degree.
Felicity: Why is it ripped to shreds?
Chancellor: You blew up the entire city. It seemed appropriate.
It's okay, an Ubervamp got him.

Then, just when you thought it was over, we got renewed for four more episodes. There was some debate about how to use them.
Meghan: You know what you need? Time travel!
Felicity: You have got to be kidding me.
But I figured what the heck, so Meghan sent me back in time. I was mad at Ben for cheating on me, so I went back a year to see what would happen if I got together with Noel instead of him.
Ben: I'll tell you what'll bloody happen! I'll kill all your friends! Or I would if not for this sodding chip....
But things didn't turn out like I hoped.
Noel: This is great, Felicity. I'm so happy that we're together. It's so -- GAK!
Felicity: Nooooo! Why did he have to get caught in that fire?
Elena: You should have talked him out of taking a tour of the gasoline-soaked rag warehouse. Or at least not given Ben that match.
To set things right, I had to smash Meghan's amulet.
Meghan's Amulet: Noooo! Goodbye, cruel world! Oh, the humanity!
Felicity: Why did you cast that spell letting inanimate objects speak, Meghan?
Meghan: Accident. I was trying to de-rat Julie.

So things went back to normal. I decided to forgive Ben.
Ben: Please take me back, Felicity! I have a soul now!
Felicity: Oh yeah? Did you deliberately seek out a soul or were you tricked?
Ben: Nobody's really sure.
Elena didn't die after all -- did I mention she died? -- and she got back together with Tracy.
Tracy: Got you a stuffed animal, baby.
Tracy: What? It's just a little bunny.
Javier was still not Giles.
Javier: Look at me! I'm riding a horse!
You're NOT GILES. Noel didn't die and actually ended up running a law firm, of all things.
Noel: You may have heard otherwise, but I swear, this firm is not evil. Why, just yesterday we organized a save-the-baby-seals effort. We threw homeless people at the guys who were clubbing them.
And me? Well, I see a bright future ahead.
Ben: Can't see the future, love. That's the ceiling. Also, it's night.
Yessir, a bright, bright future.


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___ Five-Minute Felicity

This fiver was originally published on April 6, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: It's April, fool.

All material © 2004, Colin Hayman.