Five-Minute Dawson's Creek

by Zeke

Due to cuts in Five-Minute Cheese's guest star budget, the parts of the Dawson's Creek characters will be played by the cast of Star Trek: Enterprise.

Archer: Boy, life sure isn't interesting here in the town of Dawson's Creek, where I, Dawson, live. Don't you agree, my best friend Joey?
T'Pol: On the contrary. This bucolic environment is ideal for solitary contemplation and meditation. The indigenous species provide an intriguing --
Archer: She's bored too. I know because we've been best friends since we were little kids.
T'Pol: I was older than you are now when you were a little kid.
Archer: And what's crazy is that even though we're best friends, we're not the same gender! Boy, how is that possible? There must be a ton of sexual tension simmering under the surface!
T'Pol: T'Pol to Reed. The captain has been listening to Phlox again.

Tucker: Hi, I'm Pacey. I'm havin' a hot affair with -- get this -- my teacher! How controversial is that?
Sato: I'm apparently Jen. I'd like to know why I have to be the --
Phlox: Ho there, kids! I'm Dawson's father, and I used to be the Flash! Watch me vibrate through this wall!
Tucker: It figgers that Phlox would be a vibrater.
Mayweather: And I'm -- Alf? What the heck?

Reed: I'm Jack. Shut up.

T'Pol: According to the script, I am unable to contain my passion for you any longer.
Archer: I dunno, Joey. Jen's been coming on to me.
T'Pol: Just kiss me, you fool.
Archer: Wow, T'Pol, you said that last part with real feeling. I think you're finally getting into it.

Tucker: Stupid teacher, dumping me just 'cause I ruined her career. I know! I'll cheer myself up by breaking up a happy couple.
Mayweather: Not only was Alf not on this show, but I'm nothing like him at all! I mean, you guys at least have things in common with your --
Reed: Shut up.
Tucker: I'm gonna go hit on Joey. See you guys later.
Phlox: Hhhhhhhaaaavvveeee fffffuuuunnnnn!

T'Pol: Oh, what a dilemma. Dawson is my boyfriend, but I feel drawn to Pacey, for no reason I can see.
Tucker: It's 'cause I'm studly.
T'Pol: Perhaps it is the result of all the neuropressure sessions I've been forced into having with him.
Tucker: It's 'cause I'm studly.
Archer: Don't leave me, Joey! My ego needs you!
T'Pol: Your ego is large enough to be self-sufficient.
Archer: Hmm... maybe I should embark on an art career.
Mayweather: He eats cats, for God's sake! What kind of monster could eat harmless pets?

Phlox: That car is coming awfully fast, but I'm not worried! I'm faster than any car! I -- GAK! (turns to dust)
Archer: Well, it saves me the cost of a cremation.

T'Pol: Now, years after my choice changed everything, the series concludes with a look at the future.
Archer: Some things have changed and some have not. I'm still egomaniacal to a fault.
T'Pol: I'm still attracted to Pacey for some reason.
Tucker: I'm still studly.
Mayweather: Jack's still --
Reed: SHUT UP.
Sato: I, on the other hand, am about to die. With me will die seventeen languages of which I am the only living speaker. Or they would be if my character were really me, but instead she's just a --
Archer: Ho mama, that's a lot of languages!
(The series ends exactly zero minutes too soon at Ludicrous Speed)


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___ Five-Minute Dawson's Creek

This fiver was originally published on April Fool's Day, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: It's April, fool.

All material © 2004, Colin Hayman.