Five-Minute Birds of Prey

by Zeke

Alfred: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away, Batman and the Joker squared off in a titanic battle royale...
Joker: One, two, three -- Rock!
Batman: Paper.
Joker: Damn!
Unwilling to go down alone, the Joker, voiced by Mark Hamill, went after Batman's friends...
Joker: You! Do you know Batman?
Comic Book Guy: Yes. By night. But by day I am a mild-mannered -- GAK!
He shot Batman's favourite sidekick...
Batgirl: He likes me more than Robin? Score!
Joker: Yes, you really came out ahead. (BANG)
...and had Batman's lover killed.
Selina Kyle: GAK!
Batman: You monster! Now Catwoman will have to be played by Halle Berry!
The Joker was finally captured, but Batman was never the same....
Riddler: Hey, didn't you used to have a yellow oval around the bat logo on your chest?
Batman: Those happy days are gone now. (PUNCH)
And finally, he left Gotham....
Villains: YES! his illegitimate daughter, the Huntress.
Villains: Crap.

Huntress: Being the daughter of two superheroes sucks. You'd think I'd at least get some powers out of it, but noooo, all I get is angst.
Oracle: At least you have a lot of angst. Besides, you weren't the one who got shot. How would you like being unable to use your legs?
Huntress: I'd love it. I would get to sit back in my high-tech wheelchair and give annoying advice while my partner did all the actual crimefighting.
Oracle: You can be an insensitive brat, you know.
Huntress: Oh yeah? Walk over here and say that.

Dinah: Help! Help! I'm on the run and I don't know about my weird super-powers!
Thugs: GRUNT.
Huntress: I'll save you, little girl. What? Yes, Oracle, I see the thugs. What? Yes, obviously there's four of them! I'm not blind! You don't always need to show off your cool detection equipment and....
Dinah: Oh good, I'm being saved by a schizophrenic.

Alfred: Welcome to Wayne Manor.
Dinah: Oof... thanks. Can I get an Aspirin or something?
Huntress: Don't bother. Alfred hasn't done any actual butler work in years. All he does is stand around giving wise advice and being all fatherly.
Alfred: That's my girl.

Huntress: There's so much crime in this town. Someone must be organizing it. Probably the person I least expect....
Dr. Harleen Quinzel: That's an interesting theory, but we're supposed to be talking about your issues. After all, I'm your psychiatrist. Only.

Huntress: Snooping, snooping, la la la la la....
Reese: Hey! What are you doing at this crime scene?
Huntress: Snooping. Didn't you hear the song?
Reese: I should arrest you. But I won't, because you're hot.
Huntress: Then I should escape. You're hot, but I will anyway.

Alfred: How's our new guest doing?
Oracle: I think she'll be just fine. She just needs a family environment....
Dinah: Barbaraaaaaa! Helena took my crayons and won't give them back!
Oracle: ....and we're doing our best to give her one.

Quinzel: Gotham will pay for what it did to my Mr. J! That's why I've hired dozens of the best criminals money can -- where are they?
Henchman: Huntress got all the others.
Quinzel: Grrr. Clearly I'll have to deal with her. And whoever she talks to while fighting. And the teenage girl they're probably living with. And their butler.
Henchman: What if they have a goldfish too?
Quinzel: Then we're screwed.

Dinah: Mmm. Reese's Pieces.
Huntress: Mmm. Reese. I mean -- I'm not attracted to any handsome police officers, and you're an idiot for suggesting it.
Dinah: But I --
Huntress: Go to your room!
Dinah: Waaaaaa!

Huntress: And my parent issues probably stem from --
Quinzel: Yes, yes, very thought-provoking.
Huntress: Heyyy, these notes you're taking just say "Mwahahahahaha" over and over again.
Quinzel: It's shorthand. On an unrelated topic, I have hypno-eyes now. Tell me all your secrets.
Huntress: I have this recurring dream about business-suit-wearing Orion slave girls taking logic courses from an Andorian sewing expert.
Quinzel: Tell me most of your secrets.

Wade: Will you go out with me? I'd like to score points with liberals for dating a differently-abled person.
Oracle: Awwww, that's so sweet! Of course I will!
Wade: Thanks. GAK!
Oracle: Nooooo! He's dead! Well, at least it was less ignominious than what happened to the Wade on Sliders.

Huntress: We'll stop whoever did this, Barbara. We just have to figure out who.
Dinah: It would have to be someone who knew our secret identities and wanted to hurt us.
Oracle: If so, why haven't they targeted you too?
Dinah: Some guy tripped me on my way back from the mall today.
Oracle: Bastards!
Huntress: Um... guys, it might just possibly be my psychiatrist. Who got me to tell her all my secrets.
Alfred: Even the Orion/Andorian dream?
Huntress: How did you --
Alfred: You talk in your sleep.

Oracle: I'll kill you, Harlequin!
Quinzel: You? The wheelchair girl? Pfft.
Oracle: I may be handicapped, but I have friends who can fight for me! Like the Huntress! ...Huntress?
Dinah: She's making out with Reese in the corner.
Oracle: Oh. What about you?
Dinah: I'm watching.
Oracle: Fine, I'll use my super cybernetic battle suit that lets me walk. If I have to.
Quinzel: ....Crap.

Huntress: Well, our foe is vanquished. But inevitably this crime-ridden town will produce many more super-villains for us to fight, for seasons to come.
Dinah: Hooray!
Oracle: Let's all gaze into the sunset in a non-final way.

Alfred: I think you'd be proud of them, sir. They'll take care of Gotham for you -- stay away as long as you need to.
Batman: (over the phone) I don't "need to"! You changed the keys to the Batcave on me!
Alfred: Look at it this way, sir. Now I live in a house with several women rather than several men. So really, we all win, don't we?
(Batman fumes at Ludicrous Speed)


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___ Five-Minute Birds of Prey

This fiver was originally published on April 2, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: It's April, fool.

All material © 2004, Colin Hayman.