Tucker: Are we there yet?
T'Pol: No.
Tucker: Are we there yet?
T'Pol: No.
Tucker: Are we there yet?
T'Pol: Yes! We just now entered orbit of Risa. During
the trip, you asked me that question a total of 441 times. Now you can
LEAVE ME ALONE!
Tucker: ....So are we there, or what?
Archer: Well, T'Pol, I'm off. Can I trust you with the
ship?
T'Pol: No.
Archer: Who cares? It's vacation time! Come on, Porthos, let's
go!
Porthos: Ruff?
Archer: Of course it'll be here when we get back. We can
trust T'Pol.
Reed: Got any plans, Hoshi?
Sato: None, besides not under any circumstances doing the
nasty.
Reed: Well, Trip and I will be making complete studs of
ourselves. We plan to hook up with the first suspicious babes we can find.
Tucker: Doesn't that sound cool? "Suspicious babes."
Sato: Well, I envy you two. And by envy I mean pity.
Phlox: There's something I should tell you, Subcommander.
Remember the hibernation cycle I mentioned?
T'Pol: Vaguely. I thought you were just trying to sound
interesting.
Phlox: Well, I should inform you that ZZZZZZZZZ
T'Pol: That what?
Cutler: He's asleep, sir.
T'Pol: Well, great. Now I'll never know what he was going to
tell me.
Tucker: Check out my suit!
Reed: You look bloody ridiculous. I want one.
Porthos: RUFF! Grrrrrr....
Archer: Porthos? What are you -- oh my God, the Aibo's
back!
Aibo: ROWF! ROWF!
Keyla: Oh, sorry about that. He must have snuck up here
somehow. I'm Keyla and this is my dog, Obia.
Archer: So he's using a pseudonym now, is he? Lady, you
don't know what you're dealing with. That Aibo is bad, bad news. He
nearly destroyed my ship!
Keyla: You have your own ship? Now there's a turn-on.
Archer: You're missing the -- oh, but why mess with it? I
haven't had a date since 2140....
Risian Woman: Uyo resu eaksp rou nguagela llwe rfo meoneso owh
arnedle it irtyth condsse goa.
Sato: 'Sti rprisinglysu syea enwh u'reyo me.
Ravis: At last! I have searched the world over for a creature
whose language skill rivals my own. Now, at last, that search is
over.
Sato: Gave up, eh? Can't blame you.
Ravis: Sigh... well, I never said her mind had to rival
mine.
Babe 1: You're cute.
Babe 2: So are you.
Tucker: (Pssst... Malcolm, are they coming on to us or each
other?)
Reed: (Us, fool!) Good day, ladies. Allow me to introduce
myself. My name is Reed -- Malcolm Reed.
Tucker: And I'm Charles... um... Dickens. Yeah.
Archer: You're certainly an accomplished stargazer.
Keyla: It'll do till I find some bigger enterprise. Hey Jon,
what's that?
Archer: That is the constellation Leo.
Keyla: No... that.
Archer: Why, that's -- holy crap! Archer to
Enterprise: someone's firing on the surface!
T'Pol: (over the comm) Not me. And Reed is still on the planet,
isn't he?
Archer: Then there's only one possibility. Send a heavily-armed
security team to the torpedo tubes and tell them to prepare to fight...
the Aibo.
T'Pol: The Aibo's back? Oh NO! We're all doomed!
Keyla: Look, I'm really getting annoyed at the way you keep
sidelining me in my own subplot....
Sato: You look familiar. Are your people related to the
Denobulans at all?
Ravis: Hmm... being ripoffs of the same race makes us cousins
once removed, I think.
Sato: Interesting. I'd love to learn your language....
Ravis: Are you sure? It's bone-crunchingly difficult.
Sato: Well, it can't be harder than Klingon. Anybody who can
speak that has way too much spare time.
Tucker: So then I said to Jon, "Mirage, eh? Mirage THIS!" And
I punched him in the face!
Babe 1: You two are really something. Trip's been president...
Reed slew the mighty Aibo with his bare hands....
Babe 2: You've both hit your captain at least six times....
Reed: Yep, we're pretty happenin' guys. It's no wonder
Time magazine picked us both for Man of the Year.
Babe 1: Well, I think it's time to go downstairs and have a
little fun. Of the "us tying you up and taking your clothes" variety.
Tucker: Those are the sweetest, most ambiguous words I've heard
all year.
Mayweather: Oh, the pain!
Cutler: Here, let me... heheheh... get you something... heh...
for that... heheheheh....
Mayweather: It would really help if you'd stop
laughing!
T'Pol: Heheheheheheh... sorry, Ensign. You shouldn't have told
us about the cliff changing shape to spell out "Travis is a loser."
Oh, my sides....
Tucker: I gotta say, this result doesn't exactly meet my great
expectations.
Reed: Don't give up so easily. Maybe the girls just wanted a
break after tying us up.
Tucker: They've been gone for nineteen hours! And they're
criminals! And they're men!
Reed: Oh ye of little faith. It was you who taught me optimism
in the first place, remember?
Tucker: I didn't teach it to you, I traded it for your
pessimism!
Reed: And a very good trade it was.
Tucker: No it wasn't.
Ravis: ....weretheborogovesandthemomerathsoutgrabe. There, now
you know the name of my planet.
Sato: It took you four and a half minutes to say all that!
Ravis: Yeah, it's something of a pain. My people usually just
call the planet Wocky for short.
Sato: I think that goes a long way toward explaining why your
people don't run the galaxy.
Ravis: It's Wocky's fault, not ours.
Archer: Want some tea? It's a very serious flavour.
Keyla: I really think you need to loosen up, Jon. Why not have
some fun? You can't possibly be married to the ship yet, and it isn't
like a little happiness would cost you your soul.
Archer: Oh, I'm just worried about what the Aibo's planning...
and I also feel like you're holding something back from me.
Keyla: Who, me? The only issue I have is a deep-seated hatred
of the Suliban.
Archer: Well--
Keyla: Did I just hear someone say Suliban? CRUSH!
KILL! DESTROY!
Archer: Keyla, you said it.
Keyla: Er... heh. Okay, so "deep-seated" may be a mild
understatement.
Cutler: Psssst... Phlox, wake up.
Phlox: ZZZZZZZZ
Cutler: Ensign Mayweather really needs your help. See, the
thing is... I lied. I don't know where the bandages are. Poor
Travis scraped his elbow and there's nothing I can do....
Phlox: ZZZZZZZZ
Cutler: Come on, Doctor! You've gotta -- OH MY GOD! The
Aibo just broke down the door with a chainsaw!
Aibo: ROWWWWF ROWF ROWF... ROWF ROWF... ROWF....
T'Pol: (Oo, this is gonna be good. Somebody cue the ominous
music. And get me some popcorn!)
Tucker: Ever notice how our lives are like some kind of
sitcom?
Reed: I don't see the connection.
Tucker: Well, we get in these contrived messes every week,
right? And we always end up finding some humourous solution, insulting each
other all the while.
Reed: Trip?
Tucker: Yeah?
Reed: Don't quit your day job.
Laugh Track: HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Keyla: This wine isn't half bad. Where did you get it?
Archer: I'm not really sure. I brought a big crate of grapes
aboard before we left Earth, and we were out of space so I stuck it in
the boiler room... when I went to get it ten months later, somebody had
replaced it with a big crate of wine. We're still investigating.
Keyla: Well, I guess I knew the risks when I decided to ask you
a question. Shall we toast?
Archer: Sure. To the journey?
Keyla: To successful espionage.
Archer: Hear, hear.
Cutler: Doctor! Doctor, you have to get up! The Aibo's coming
and only you can stop him!
Phlox: ZZZZZZZZ
Aibo: ROWF!
Phlox: ZZZZZZZZ
Aibo: ROWF!
Phlox: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Aibo: ROWF! Rowf! Rowwww.... ZZZZZZZZ
Cutler: I don't believe it! Phlox, you... you slept it to
sleep!
T'Pol: (Geez, what kind of ending was that? I want my
money back.)
Ravis: So this is where we find out whether you still respect me
in the morning.
Sato: I'm already dressed and heading out the door -- take a
wild guess.
Ravis: Just don't forget me!
Sato: I won't. But I sure will try to forget your planet....
Tucker: Let's go over our story again. First, our clothes were
eaten by evil moths....
Reed: No, first the pirates kidnapped us. Then we leapt
overboard and swam to shore, and then the evil moths showed up.
Tucker: Right. And that's why we're now walking through the bar
in our underwear.
Reed: I'm just grateful that Maris isn't here to see this....
Archer: I've found out your real secret, Keyla.
Keyla: Look, I'm not ashamed of the operation. Sometimes people
are just born the wrong gender.
Archer: Ewwwww. Not that secret. I mean the one about your
being a Tandaran.
Keyla: Oh, shoot... you analyzed the glass, didn't you? I was
really hoping you hadn't seen "In the Flesh"....
Archer: I've studied the histories of all the Archers who
came before me. So you're working for Grat, eh?
Keyla: Not exactly. I'm working for the Aibo and he's
working for Grat.
Archer: I might have known.
Keyla: But you didn't. Mind if I render you unconscious?
Archer: Not at all. Wait, what am I -- ZZZZZZZZ
Captain's Starlog: Porthos eventually managed to wake me up. I
think he's still working out some rage about the Aibo; fortunately, I hear
Dr. Phlox is good at reattaching ears.
Archer: I hope that log entry sounded okay. How did the rest of
you guys spend your two days?
Tucker, Reed, Sato, and Mayweather: I don't want to talk about
it.
Archer: Pardon?
Tucker: Hey baby I hear the blues a-calling, tossed salads and
scrambled eggs....
Reed: Quite stylish.
Tucker: And maybe I seem a bit confused... well, maybe, but I
got you pegged....
Reed: A shooby dooby da ba dooby da ba doo ba....
Tucker: But I don't know what to do with those tossed salads and
scrambled eggs....
Reed: Oh my!
Tucker: They're callin' again.
Reed: Goodnight Seattle! We love you!
Tucker: Tucker has left the building.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)
THE END
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