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Five-Minute "Shockwave, Part I"

by Zeke

An incursion of Time Travel Week

Tucker: Last episode of the year... makes you nostalgic, don't it?
T'Pol: No.
Tucker: C'mon, T'Pol! Just think about it -- we're about to begin four months of pure, grade-A boredom. No more Porthos gags... no more weird Hoshi subplots... no more fourth-wall-breaking "talking to the audience" scenes....
T'Pol: When you think of a disadvantage, please inform me.
Tucker: Look, I'm just sayin' we've come pretty far. Long road from there to here if you ask me.
T'Pol: You're right about one thing, Mr. Tucker.
Tucker: What's that?
T'Pol: It has been a very, very long year.
Tucker: You're missing the point! On purpose!
Archer: Welcome to my world, Trip.

Sato: The shuttlepod is now preparing to land. Please fasten your seatbelts and remain seated until the pod has come to a complete stop. Thank you for flying Starfleet. (sigh) I can't believe you made me memorize that. What am I, a stewardess?
Reed: Do we need to go over it again? Repeat after me: "I am not the pilot; I will not try to --"
Archer: Okay, that does it! If you kids don't stop fighting this minute, I swear I'll pull this shuttle over and take you both over my knee!
T'Pol: Jon, watch the road! We're going to --
Archer, T'Pol, Reed, and Sato: Ohhhh boy.

Tucker: It...it was really the colonists? You're sure we didn't just foom some holograms?
Archer: I wish, but we're already over quota. We'll have to face the consequences. First of all, Travis....
Mayweather: Yes, sir?
Archer: Take some vacation time. The temptation for me to use you as a scapegoat will be too strong.
Mayweather: But -- but I'll miss the finale!
T'Pol: It isn't as though you have lines in it, Ensign.

Archer: ....and then the whole place went up like a Christmas tree made of TNT.
Forrest: (over the comm) Rhymes won't get you out of this. The Vulcans are so mad they're threatening to eat your dog.
Archer: Don't you worry, boy. They'd have to eat me first.
Forrest: Really? I'll tell Soval right away. He didn't think you'd be up for it.

T'Pol: Can I relieve Archer of duty? He's moping and brooding.
Phlox: I thought you found that sexy.
T'Pol: Doesn't mean I'll pass up a perfect chance to seize power. The reign of T'Pol has begun! Get down on your knees, vassal!
Phlox: This isn't going to work, Subcommander. If you could get someone relieved just for feeling guilty, Sheridan wouldn't have lasted ten minutes.
T'Pol: Sorry, I can't hear you. I'm trying on tiaras.

Archer: Sigh....
Porthos: Ruff!
Archer: Sigh....
Porthos: Ruff! Ruff!
Forrest: (over the comm) Bad news, Captain.
Archer: Do you mind? I'm very busy looking at the colonists' pictures and sighing.
Forrest: I think you've been doing that a bit too long. You look dusty and your dog is obviously starving.
Archer: Don't be silly. If he were, he'd be trying to get my attention.

Reed: Well, I've checked out the shuttlepod... there was no sign of sabotage, but I did find several crumpled Doritos bags in the intake.
Sato: I'll give you ten credits not to tell T'Pol about that.
T'Pol: Too late, you're on report. Anything else, Mr. Reed?
Reed: Just that I don't see how it could have been our fault. The chakotaymeter was at zero the whole time, which rules out pilot error, and besides, we're just such nice guys.
T'Pol: Where's Travis? I think I can blame this on him.
Reed: Archer sent him away to prevent that.
T'Pol: And the case for relieving Archer builds....

Archer: I have good news and I have bad news. First of all, Enterprise has been ordered back to Earth.
T'Pol: What's the bad news?
Archer: That tiara really doesn't work for you.
Tucker: Captain, you can't just let them do this! We had years of colonist-exploding ahead of us!
T'Pol: And what the spluck is wrong with my tiara?
Archer: That's enough, you two. Get out before you ruin my broody atmosphere.

Bouncer: Not so fast, buster. You can't come in unless your name's on the list.
Mayweather: Oh, hi. A friend of mine gave me your address. What is this place, anyway?
Bouncer: Can't you read the sign? This is the Underused Characters' Tavern. Now gimme some ID and maybe I won't throw you across the street.
Mayweather: Underused characters? Hoshi must have made some mistake. See, I'm Travis Mayweather and --
Bouncer: Mayweather? That's YOU? Holy! Come in, come in! You're a legend with these guys!

Sato: Well, so much for the mission. I wonder if I can get my old job back.
Reed: The one where you were translating Japanese instruction manuals into the worst English possible?
Sato: Nobody could do it like me. "The step F: Be pressed a most western button counterclockwise but up."

Archer: I feel so horribly guilty. I don't deserve to be out here in space.
T'Pol: Darn right.
Archer: Um, T'Pol? This is where you're supposed to talk me out of my funk.
T'Pol: I like you better in the funk.
Archer: All right, I'll find someone else to cheer me up. Here, Porthos!
Porthos: Grrrrrrr....
Archer: Sigh. Some days you just can't be pleased by anybody.

Tucker: Stop whistling cheerily.
Phlox: Geez, who elected you president of Killjoyia?
Tucker: See, that's exactly what I'm talking about! We're all crushed, and you insist on looking on the bright side!
Phlox: There's a reason for that, Mr. Tucker.
Tucker: Yeah? What?
Phlox: I hate you all.

Archer: Yawwwwwn... ZZZZZ
Computer: Wake up, Captain. You're -8760 hours late for work.
Archer: That's odd; I'm usually late by positive numbers. Hey, wait a minute. Why is it suddenly Earth outside?
Computer: Might have something to do with the fact that you're on Earth.
Archer: Whoa! There's only one possible explanation: I've moped myself back in time, just like my mom always warned me!
Computer: Your mom?
Archer: Yeah, she was full of helpful warnings. "Don't frown or your face will freeze like that." "Don't mope or you'll send yourself back in time." "Don't babble or you'll put your computer to sleep."
Computer: ZZZZZ
Archer: Oh, very original.

Archer: Time for a test. Archer to Starfleet Medical: do you have a Dr. Phlox working for you?
Nurse: (over the comm) Why, yes. How did you --
Archer: Fire the bum! I'll thank me later.
Daniels: Well done, Captain. You're already changing history for the better.
Archer: Oh, it's you again. Weren't you dead?
Daniles: Dead like a fox! Seriously, yes and no. We call it the Braxton Paradox.
Archer: Okay then. What did you bring me here for?
Daniels: You know that planet you blew up? You didn't blow it up.
Archer: With you so far....
Daniels: Now I'm going to give you future information so you can fight back. This is known as "breaking the Temporal Prime Directive because everybody else is doing it."
Archer: Gotcha.
Daniels: And I picked one year ago because I figure I'll have to keep explaining it for about that long till you get it.
Archer: Understood. One question, though....
Daniels: Yes?
Archer: What did you bring me here for?
Daniels: Okay, once more from the top. This is gonna be a long year....

Archer: Great news, guys! We get to carry out the mysterious orders of a being of questionable trustworthiness!
T'Pol: This is different from our regular lives... how?
Archer: Shut up and take that stupid tiara off. Trip, your orders are to --
Sato: Wait! Captain, the ship could be bugged. We should communicate in some kind of code.
Archer: Got one in mind?
Sato: Yep. Write down what you want to say to Trip....
Archer: Okay, here.
Sato: Good, now I'll translate it. (ahem) Mister the Tucker: make to preparing their Grapplizer Device, until he find would by electronically space rockets that invisibleness.
T'Pol: She really is good.

Suliban #1: There's a ship coming.
Suliban #2: Big deal. They can't see us with their sensors off.
Suliban #1: Their sensors aren't off.
Suliban #2: I'm perfectly happy thinking they are.

Reed: We get to go in Daniels' quarters! This is gonna be fun!
Archer: You remember the code for the lock, right?
Reed: Oh, it doesn't work by a code. See, I took this special strip of transparent adhesive-coated --
Archer: You locked his quarters with Scotch tape?
Reed: If you wanna be all technical about it, yeah.

T'Pol: There's the ship.
Archer: Okay, let's get started. Mr. Reed, fire the first salvo --
Sato: Wait!
Archer: What?
Sato: Let me. Mr. or Ms. Reed to be launched a beginning gun weapon at now!
Archer: Hoshi, we're about to fire at them. Whether they can hear us is kind of a moot point.
Sato: That's no reason to take reckless chances.
Reed: (over the comm) Can I fire the splucking guns already?

Mayweather: You guys have been here a while, eh?
Uhura: 34 years and counting. You get used to the beer eventually.
Vir Cotto: It still tastes flat to me.
M'Ress: You've barely been here five yearsssss, newbie.
Mayweather: Look, I appreciate the warm welcome, but my being here has to be some mistake. I'm not underused.
Everyone: HA HA HA HA HA!
Mayweather: Really! I may get a little less screentime, but Captain Archer can't be completely equal with all of us. I have faith in him to give me my fair share.
Bouncer: Oh, stop! Stop it, kid! You're killin' me! Man oh man!

Reed: (over the comm) Target bludgeoned, sir.
Archer: Excellent. On to phase two, where I and the two least dispensible senior officers go aboard the enemy ship.
T'Pol: It's a classic plan, Captain. Your forefathers will be proud.
Tucker: Yeah, yeah. Let's just check that chakotaymeter again before we take the pod out, okay?

Suliban #1: They're boarding us! They're boarding us!
Suliban #2: Yeah, but only in reality.

Grenade: BOOOM
Several Invisible Suliban: GAK!
Tucker: I'm glad one of us remembered they could do that.
Reed: (over the comm) Hey! Did someone just blow something up?
Archer: Yes....
Reed: But -- but that's my -- WAAAAAAAA!
T'Pol: You've reduced him to tears, Captain. Was that part of your plan?
Archer: Well, I, um....
T'Pol: Shame on you. Shame, shame, shame.

Archer: Here's the central control room.
Tucker: How can you tell? More of your fancy-pants future knowledge?
Archer: The sign outside says No Humans. That's how I label my central control room.

Suliban Troopers: Charrrrge!
T'Pol: Aw, shoot.
Reed: (over the comm) I thought you'd never ask!
Corridors: BOOOOOOM
Archer: Well done, Malcolm. You shot the Suliban but not us.
Reed: You don't have to rub it in, sir.

Suliban #1: Well, they're gone. They attacked us, boarded our ship, stole our CD collection, and escaped scott-free. Will you admit their existence already?
Suliban #2: Your pessimism is lowering the satisfaction level of this entire room.
Suliban #1: That does it. Take your hulking mysticism and bury it!
Suliban #2: "Hulking"? Is that the best you can do?
Suliban #1: There are so few rhymes for "Vulcan"....

Forrest: (over the comm) Well done, Jon! Your heroic theft of top-secret information you couldn't possibly have known about will surely clear your name without raising any eyebrows at all.
Archer: Thanks, I thought so. And best of all, we won't have to actually see Soval this week.
Forrest: Yeah, isn't it odd that he never showed up for these calls?
Janitor: (over the comm) Sir? I locked the doors of the Soval Office this morning just like you asked. Can I have my money now?
Forrest: Er... heh heh.

Jake Sisko: The worst part of being underused is the lack of romance. I barely even got kissing.
Tuvok: You are, however, capable of the reproductive act at any time. I may only perform it once every seven years.
Angel: Yeah? I may only perform it never!
Mayweather: Hey, what's he doing here? He has his own show!
Bouncer: Some idiot invited him in when he was on Buffy... now we can't get rid of him.

Silik: You want me to go see Archer again? What makes him so special?
Evil Future Guy: He is the One.
Silik: Yeesh. Everybody's the One these days.
Evil Future Guy: Don't diss the One. Now go away. I have to get ready for my date with the Mighty Evil God from Andromeda.

Archer: ....so after a year of explanations, I finally got it and he brought me back here.
T'Pol: Pfft. Like any of that could happen.
Archer: I can prove it! See my T-shirt? "I traveled back in time and all I got was --"
T'Pol: Do I have to remind you again of the Vulcan Science Council's highest law?
Archer: I know, I know. "Time travel, schmime travel." I just wish I knew how you've perfected the art of denial so highly.
T'Pol: I studied with a great Suliban mystic.

Reed: Um, Captain? We're entirely surrounded by warships.
Archer: That's a pain. Can we fight our way out?
Reed: It depends on whether we can count on bad aim from them.
Archer: Then it's settled: we fight our way out.
T'Pol: Captain, I seriously advise against it. You would need your helmsman, and he isn't here.
Archer: Really? Who's flying the ship?
T'Pol: Our theory is that it's some kid on Earth with a remote control.

Angel: ....and any random twist of fate can turn me evil.
Tuvok: Been there.
Mayweather: That does it! Everybody here is completely lame. I'm leaving.
Bouncer: Sorry, I can't permit that.
Mayweather: What?
Bouncer: Didn't that friend of yours tell you? There's no exit from the Underused Characters' Tavern. You stay a while... you stay forever.
Mayweather: This does not bode well for our hero....

Silik: (over the comm) Pleased to see you again, Captain. And by "pleased" I mean "please note that I have several jillion tons of ammo with your name on it."
Archer: Enough with the pleasantries. What do you want?
Silik: You.
Archer: Ew.
Silik: As a prisoner! We will make you one of us, the Cabal's spokesman to your people. You will be called Loquacious.
Archer: And if I refuse?
Silik: Refusal is irrelevant.

Archer: I'm sorry, crew... I see no choice but to comply with their demands.
Archer: Ahem.
Crew: We mean BOOOO!
Archer: Better. Hoshi, I'm leaving you in charge of my dog. T'Pol, you're in charge of the ship. Feel free to trade if you're not satisfied.
Reed: What can I be in charge of?
Archer: The light brigade.
Reed: Score! Hey, wait a minute....

Archer: Doo doo de doo doo doo, doo da da doo da --
Computer: Please refrain from singing in the turbolift.
Archer: Sorry. Oh, hi there, devastated future version of Daniels.
Daniels: Hi. Notice how everything is devastated in this future?
Archer: Yeah... you know you're in a bleak alternate future when the newspaper headline reads "Human reaches age of 23."

Silik: (over the comm) Why isn't your captain aboard yet?
T'Pol: He probably got lost. It's happened before.
Silik: Silence! Your ship must be destroyed now!
T'Pol: Is that really necessary?
Silik: Yes....
T'Pol: Well, oh crap, then.

Archer: Is this the part where we live happily ever after?
Daniels: I don't think so. At this point I'm thinking it's the part where we gape in horror at the ruined cityscape before us.
Archer: I'm still too confused to gape in any realistic horror.
Daniels: You could gape in confusion.
Archer: Seems unoriginal.
Daniels: Look, just make up your mind. I don't wanna be arguing about this for the next three months.
Archer: Three months?
Daniels: There! I knew you could manage a horror gape.


Previous fiver: Two Days and Two Nights
Next fiver: Shockwave, Part II


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Zeke.

Haven't seen the episode? Keckler's TWOP recap will get you up to speed.

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This fiver was originally published on June 24, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2002, Zeke.