Five-Minute "Cease Fire"
by Zeke

Tarah: The Vulcans are approaching our position, Shran. They look mad.
Shran: Somebody should tell them anger is an emotion.
Tarah: We tried.
Shran: Oh, so that's why only three of you made it back. Very well: we'll stop taking after my Vorta counterpart and start taking after my Ferengi counterpart.
Tarah: Sir?
Shran: We'll try to make a deal.
Tarah: Ah.

Forrest: (over the comm) For some reason, the Vulcans want you to negotiate their treaty with the Andorians.
Archer: I think they may find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting.
Forrest: Look, you'd better not screw this up. The Vulcans have never asked us for anything before, except that time Soval needed a quarter to phone home.
Archer: Did you give him one?
Forrest: What am I, made of money?

Tucker: Just between you and me, Captain, the wee engines cannae take much more.
Archer: Let 'em suffer. We're going to be on time for this meeting if it kills every man, woman, and child aboard.
Tucker: I'm for it as long as Phlox's pets are the first to go.
Phlox: (over the comm) Dammit, now you've made them cry again!

Captain's Starlog: We're ready to begin our latest unprecedented, groundbreaking mission. We've entered orbit of....
Archer: Remind me, what's the planet called?
Sato: Babel, sir.

Archer: Greetings, Ambassador Soval.
Muroc: How dare you? This insult shall not go unavenged!
Soval: Calm down, Muroc. Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to my assistant, whom I'm training to be as annoying as me.
T'Pol: A challenge worthy of Surak himself.

Archer: What's this?
Phlox: A tri-ox compound. It'll help you breathe down there, or knock you unconscious.
Archer: Wait, you don't know which? Don't you normally do research?
Phlox: Of course I do. You're it.

T'Pol: I don't see any Andorians. Let's go home.
Archer: No, wait, here they come. And one of them's a babe!
Tarah: I'm afraid you'll have to wear these blindfolds for the rest of the trip.
Archer: Geez, if you don't want comments on your figure, don't flaunt it.

Shran: Welcome, Captain Archer. How do you advise beginning the negotiations?
Archer: You could release your three hostages.
Shran: I will release none.
Archer: Two.
Shran: One.
Archer: One and a half.
Shran: Done! Guards, release one hostage and the liver of another. I see you will indeed be an unbiased arbitrater, Captain Archer.
Archer: As long as you don't count bias against Vulcans.

Soval: You want me to meet with Shran in person? No way! Even I can see the illogic of that.
Archer: Look, Soval, the ball's in your court.
Soval: Sigh... all right, fine.
T'Pol: How did you know to say that to him, sir?
Archer: It always annoyed me when my dad said it. I would have agreed to anything to shut him up.

Tucker: Are you sure you should be leaving while the Andorians' reinforcements are on the way?
Archer: Someone has to babysit Soval. Besides, you could use a little command time.
Mayweather: (over the comm) So could I.
Archer: Trip, could you run a diagnostic on the comm system? Every so often I hear this soft buzzing noise.

Tarah: These peace treaties are a waste of time. We should blow up everybody and run.
Shran: Despite your rebellious talk, I trust you implicitly. Prepare to welcome our guests.
Tarah: Oh, I'll welcome them all right. MWAHAHAHAHA!
Shran: I love to hear the cackling of those I trust implicitly.

T'Pol: Oh no! They're firing on us!
Soval: Tell me again about how trustworthy the Andorians are, Captain.
Archer: Shut up.

Soval: Our best option now is to head for one of the Vulcan bases.
Archer: There are Vulcan bases here too? Wow, I wasn't awake for any of the briefing, was I?
T'Pol: We can't call Enterprise. The shuttle's comm system was damaged, or there's a jamming field, or... oh, just go with it.
Archer: Very well. Our best option is to head for the Andorians.
Soval: What? They shot us down!
Archer: We won't know that for certain till we establish diplomatic relations so we can send in weapons inspectors.

Muroc: (over the comm) The shuttle was shot down. We're investigating.
Tucker: Let us help.
Muroc: Inferior humans? We'd just trip over you. Go do your usual inferior human things.
Tucker: Just for that, maybe we will!

Shran: They're not here. Why aren't they here?
Tarah: I shot them down, sir.
Shran: What? Begin an investigation immediately! I demand to know who's behind this!
Tarah: I shot them down, sir.
Shran: Why are you still here? I told you to investigate.

T'Pol: Captain Archer will extricate us from this situation, Ambassador. We must have faith.
Soval: Faith of the heart, I suppose. Don't you think you've spent too long among these humans?
T'Pol: I may work among them, sir, but they're not gonna hold me down no more, nor will they change my mind.
Soval: Sigh.

Tarah: What the--? They left their shuttle door open? These guys aren't even trying....

Archer: Looks like we're being sniped at, possibly by snipers.
Soval: Good thing we didn't bring tricorders so we'd know where they were. That would have been a terrible idea.
Archer: T'Pol, do we still have those blindfolds? One or two over his mouth would really hit the spot.
Soval: ARRRGH! I'm shot!
T'Pol: Perhaps they would serve better as bandages, sir.
Archer: No, I'm still thinking mouth.

Tucker: Any luck locating the away team?
Sato: Not yet, sir. But I've mostly been listening to heavy metal.
Mayweather: And the Andorian reinforcements just arrived!
Tucker: Shoot. All hands, Reed Alert. Prepare for --
Reed: You're not allowed to say that, sir. It's a registered trademark.

Archer: I'm gonna take out the enemy snipers. You two, cover me.
Soval: What does he want us to cover him with?
T'Pol: It is a human expression meaning "lay down covering fire," most often used in the context of retreat.
Soval: We don't have a similar expression.
T'Pol: We don't retreat much.

Tucker: Travis, put us between the Andorians and the Vulcans.
Mayweather: The most dangerous spot we could be in... wow, you've got the captain's command style down cold.
Tucker: Thanks. Hoshi, hail them.
Sato: Pardon me?
Tucker: Hail them!
Sato: Just a minute, let me turn the volume down. Okay, say it now.
Tucker: Hail them.
Sato: Hail who?
Tucker: Malcolm, open fire on Ensign Sato. All weapons.

Archer: So it was you who shot us down!
Tarah: Now that you know, I can't let you live. Let's fight.
Archer: Can we kiss too?
Tarah: No!
Archer: Pfft. I bet you'd have kissed Kirk.
Tarah: Hardly. Maybe Worf, though....

Shran: I can't believe my lieutenant was the one who shot you. Tarah was always such a gentle soul.
T'Pol: Yeah, it's a shame about Warren and the stray bullet.
Shran: Huh?
T'Pol: Sorry, that was the obvious joke. Now I've made it and we can move on.
Archer: Speaking of moving on, I believe we have a peace treaty to negotiate. Let's return to my ship.
Shran and Soval: Aw.
Archer: Pecan pie will be served.
Shran and Soval: WOOHOO!

Tucker: Okay, everybody just calm down and don't fire....
Muroc: Why would I listen to an inferior human?
Archer: (over the comm) It's okay, everybody's safe. Don't fire.
Muroc: Understood, Captain.
Tucker: Sigh. I get no respect.
Phlox: (over the comm) Nor should you. Lousy pet-disturber....

Shran: A toast to peace.
Soval: Pieces of pecan pie!
Shran: I'm glad we understand each other.
Archer: As am I. Thanks to Earth, this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship, one that spans worlds and unites races in a mighty federation....
Soval: We'll be on Vulcan waiting for you to get over yourself.
(Enterprise heads off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 17, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Zeke.