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Five-Minute "Treachery, Faith, and the Great River"

by Derek Dean

Odo: I have to go. Gul Russol wants to speak to me.
Kira: Do you expect it's a trap?
Odo: I expect everything's a trap. That's why I'm still alive.

Quark: Come on, Chief. How much longer will it take you to fix the Promenade?
O'Brien: I'll be done any minute now unless someone calls me away with something trivial.
Sisko: Chief, why isn't my timepiece working?
O'Brien: You can ask the computer for the time, what's so special about it?
Sisko: It's a clock!

O'Brien: Crap. How am I going to get parts for a clock... in space... at this hour.
Nog: You should bribe the requistition guy.
O'Brien: That would be unethical.
Nog: Not for me.
O'Brien: Go for it.

Odo: Russol?
Weyoun: I hate to tell you this but he died,.... a long time ago.
Odo: Then what are you doing here?
Weyoun: Reenacting "The Defector."
Odo: Just don't die at the end of the episode.
Weyoun: No promises.

O'Brien: How's it coming?
Nog: I'm remaking "Progress".
O'Brien: Don't you mean you're making progress?
Nog: Well, that too.

Weyoun: (over the comm) Hey Odo.
Odo: Wait, two Weyouns? Was there some sort of transporter accident?
Weyoun: (over the comm) Yes, and the Weyoun you have with you is the Thomas Riker Weyoun.
Odo: How do I distinguish between you?
Weyoun: Well, the Weyoun that's over the comm is the evil one.
Weyoun: (over the comm) That doesn't work. All we need to do is shift perspectives --

Weyoun: -- and now you're over the comm.
Weyoun: (over the comm) Aah! I am over the comm!
Odo: (over the comm) This really isn't making any sense. How about I call you Weyoun-7 and the one sitting next to me Weyoun-6.
Weyoun-7: Spoilsport.

Odo: Why didn't you tell me you were defective from the beginning?
Weyoun-6: I'm not defective!
Odo: You're defecting, aren't you?
Weyoun-6: Well, um, er, dang it!

Weyoun-7: This sucks. How do we kill Weyoun-6 without killing Odo?
Damar: Don't worry. I'm sure Worf will snap Weyoun-6's neck as soon as he's aboard DS9.
Weyoun-7: But what if he spills his secrets before then?
Damar: Then I guess we'll have to destroy the shuttlecraft.

O'Brien: Nog, why did you take the Captain's desk?
Nog: Because that's where the clock is. When the Captain comes back, he won't notice his clock still isn't working because his whole desk
will be gone.
O'Brien: Geez, am I up the creek.
Nog: No, you're up the titular Great River.
O'Brien: That's not really making me feel better.

Weyoun-6: AAAAAAAA! Oh wait, it's a dream.
Odo: What did you dream about?
Weyoun-6: About a Jem'Hadar ship coming after us and firing on us.
Weyoun-6: AAAAAAAA! Oh wait, it's a dream.
Odo: No, it's not.

Weyoun-6: The Jem'Hadar are intelligent, but their pattern indicates two-dimensional thinking.
Odo: Or you could just send their ship the code to lower its shields.
Weyoun-6: Um, yes, that could work too.

O'Brien: Where's Nog?
Rom: He took a shuttlecraft out under your name.
O'Brien: Him and that stupid river. If he keeps this up much longer, I'll be living in a van down by the Great River.

Fmal Shapshiftr: I just wanted to stop by and say that I am definitely not sick.
Damar: Then why are all the Es gone from your name?
Female Shapeshifter: Whoops. Um, that was just a test. Yeah, heh heh. And you pass. Good job.

Weyoun-6: Did I ever tell you how we Vorta were created? We used to be Elves until the Dark Lord --
Odo: You mean the Founders.
Weyoun-6: Right. Until the Founders turned us into Orcs.
Odo: You mean Vortas.
Weyoun-6: Look, who's telling this story?

Weyoun-6: I hate to tell you this, but the Founders are dying. It starts slowly; an E here, an eye there, but eventually they will die.
Odo: And the entire Link has been affected?
Weyoun-6: Yes. Soon it will just be you. You will be the One.
Odo: What are you saying, that I can influence others in the Great Link?
Weyoun-6: No, I'm saying that when they die, you won't have to.

Weyoun-6: Crap. Four more ships are on our tail. How do we avoid them this time?
Odo: By shape-shifting into ice.
Weyoun-6: I hate to tell you this, but the runabout isn't a transformer.
Odo: Don't worry. By hiding in the ice and shutting off the power, the Jem'Hadar won't know there's more than meets the eye.

Odo: Looks like we've shaken off the Jem'Hadar.
Weyoun-6: I doubt it. They're probably just waiting for us to show ourselves. Which reminds me, we probably should be going.
Odo: Why?
Weyoun-6: When the Jem'Hadar wait, they like to do ice breakers.

Weyoun-6: Call the the Jem'Hadar off. I'll do the Vorta death grip on myself.
Weyoun-7: (over the comm) Cool. The Jem'Hadar were having more fun firing at the remains of what must have been, like, the biggest comet
ever anyway.

Odo: So this Vorta death grip thing was just a ruse to fool the Romulans, right?
Weyoun-6: Um, no. Please give me your blessing before die.
Odo: Well, I don't know if I'd feel comfortable --
Weyoun-6: AH-CHOO!
Odo: Bless you.
Weyoun-6: Oh, thank you, Founder! GAK!

Sisko: Thanks for fixing my clock, Chief. Sure took you long enough.
O'Brien: Au contraire. Your clock says it only took me three hours.
Sisko: Yeah, but according to this nifty wristwatch Nog gave me, it took you five days.
Nog: Just one more thing I gathered at the Great River.
O'Brien: Why you little -- I thought we were going to keep this a secret from the Captain.
Nog: Meh. Cry me a River.

Odo: It sucks that all the Founders are dying.
Kira: Well, at least you're not feeling sick.
Odo: I bet it's because there aren't any Es in my name.
(The episode ends ominously at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 22, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2004, Derek Dean.