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Five-Minute "The Sword of Kahless"

by Derek Dean and MmeBlueberry

Kor: So there I was, all alone, facing thousands of orcs...
Jadzia: I thought Kang and Koloth were there with you.
Kor: So there we were, all alone, facing tens of thousands of orcs, in the blazing hot sun...
Kira: I thought orcs didn't like sunlight.
Kor: So there we were, all alone, facing hundreds of thousands of Uruk Hai, in the blazing hot sun....
Bashir: All this for a ham sandwich?
Kor: Quiet, you! Don't you want to hear why there are bears today?

Jadzia: Worf, don't you want to meet Kor?
Worf: Now that I am dishonored among Klingons... again... I'm not sure that that would be --
Jadzia: Kor, over here!
Kor: Ah, you must be that loser I've heard so little about.
Worf: OMG, u spoke 2 me. Now were BFF!!1!
Kor: Uhhhh... thanks. I think.

Kor: So, Worf, I've found out about something awesome. The best thing ever, better than sliced bread, better than the plays of Shex'pir, even better than Veronica Mars!
Worf: A ham sandwich?
Kor: No, fool, the Sword of Kahless! Didn't you read the episode title?

Lethean: Your mind to my mind; your thoughts to my thoughts.
Kor: Shouldn't that be "My mind to your mind; my thoughts to your thoughts?"
Lethean: Have it your way: Your mind to my mind; your thoughts to my thoughts.
Kor: Much better. Hic.

Jadzia: So I found a shroud that could be from the time of Kahless!
Sisko: I thought you said Kor found it.
Jadzia: So Kor found the shroud of the sword of Kahless and it's authentic.
Sisko: The Sword of Kahless? Isn't that the "one sword to rule them all, one sword to find them" sword?
Worf: Yes.
Sisko: Sounds epic.

Kor: As we embark on our heroic and perilous quest, we need a cool name!
Jadzia: Geez, do we need a name for every single quest-type thing we go on?
Kor: So it shall be! We are the Fellowship of the Quest-thing.

Kor: I had a dream where we had taken the Sword of Kahless to the emperor and as we presented it to him, it turned into a fish....
Worf: Great. Not another story.
Jadzia: Shhh. I wanna hear how this explains why there are bears today.
Worf: Bears today?
Jadzia: All of Kor's stories explain why there are bears today.

Worf: Well, we made it all the way to the mines of Moria just to find a secret door with the inscription, "Speak friend and enter."
Jadzia: Friend.
(Nothing happens.)
Kor: Jup.
(Nothing happens.)
Worf: Mellon.
(Nothing happens.)
Tricorder: 011001100111001001101001011001010110111001100100.
(Door opens.)
Jadzia: Technobabble always works.

Worf: Look, it's the sword in the stone room!
Kor: Let me hold it. Ahhhh. It's precious to me.
Worf: It is not yours save by unhappy chance. It could have been mine! It should be mine!
Jadzia: This can't be good.

Toral: Give the Sword to me.
Worf: Gasp! Toral the Black!
Toral: Yes, I've come for the Sword so I can be Lord of the Klings. Er, Klingons.
Sword: (whispering) Torrrraaaaaaaaallll.
Worf: If you want it, come and claim it.

Kor: Biff!
Toral: BAM!
Worf: OW!
Jadzia: I think that was supposed to be POW, not OW.

Jadzia: Now that we have run away --
Kor: Honorably run away.
Jadzia: Now that we have honorably run away, we must tend to Worf's shoulder wound.
Worf: It will never fully heal. I will carry it the rest of my life.
Jadzia: Don't be so melodramatic.

Kor: So, Worf, why didn't you kill Toral in "Redemption"?
Worf: Well, because it was the next generation, and not Duras himself, and I just couldn't do it.
Kor: You should have killed him so he wouldn't be here now.
Worf: Well, you shouldn't have told everyone about our quest!
Kor: Well, YOU shouldn't have been in the west wing!
Worf: Well, YOU shouldn't have -- wait, what?

Kor: What a story to tell everyone, we just killed a rodent for lunch.
Jadzia: A rodent of unusual size!
Kor: With fangs! And wings!
Jadzia: From outer space!
Kor: And that's why there are bears today!
Worf: I don't even know why I talk to you people.

Worf: You're eating off the sword? It's sacred.
Kor: Worf, it is a sword.
Worf: No, it is a gift! And we should gift it to the Emperor.
Kor: Kronos has no emperor. Kronos needs no emperor. The sword is mine!

Worf: Kor's aspirations are making me nervous.
Jadzia: The sword weighs heavily on him.
Worf: Yes, but I should have it. When I was young, Kahless told me I would do something no Klingon had ever done. Like flossing. But I think he meant being emperor, which I could do with the sword. And that's why there are bears today.
Jadzia: Needs work.

Jadzia: The way to exit these mines is across that ledge.
Kor: Aaaah!
Jadzia: Er, did I mention it's a narrow ledge?
Worf: Kor, let go of the sword. I'll catch you!
Kor: You're above me!
Worf: Then, uh, there's a ledge that will catch you!

Kor: That ledge was too small.
Worf: No, you're too fat.
Kor: That ledge was only 2 cm wide.
Worf: And if you'd lose some weight....

Jadzia: Enough. That sword is making you guys crazy. Give it to me. Let me share the looooooad.
Kor: Oh, all right.
Jadzia: Excellent. Now I can become a queeeeeen!

Jadzia: Okay. I'm going to sleep now. No one try to steal the sword from me.
Sword: (whispering) Worrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrf....
Worf: Not listening. Not listening.
Sword: (whispering) Korrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr....
Kor: I'm listening!

Toral: ATTACK!
Kor: Ha! I have the sword! I am invincible!
Toral: Yes, well, watch me knock it out of your hand.
Worf: Yes! I have it! I am invincible!
Kor: Precious! Precious!
Jadzia: ZAP! ZAP!... Heh. I bet Sam would've liked a phaser.

Worf: Do we really have to beam the sword out into space?
Jadzia: I still have my phaser. And both of yours for that matter. Now put the sword on the transporter pad.
Kor: I did! No, wait, it's still here in my pocket. Well, I guess beaming it out into space is for the best.
Worf: Kor.
Kor: Hm?
Worf: You still have the sword.
Kor: Right. Well, this time I'll put it on the pad for sure!
(The Sword eventually gets beamed out into space at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 10, 2005.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2005, Derek Dean and Amanda Dean.