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Five-Minute "The Emperor's New Cloak"

by Andy Taylor

A manifestation of Alternate Universes Week

Quark: (sigh) Why would Ezri ever pick a charming, good-looking doctor with good teeth over someone like me?
Rom: Maybe she wants someone who wears less makeup than her? Anyway --
Quark: Bah! My life sucks! All I've done all year is gripe about women whilst cleaning glasses; life just can't get any more --
Rom: Zek's gone missing.
Quark: Oh yeah, way-to-cheer-me-up, doofus.
Mirror Ezri: Hey, you --
Quark: Ezri...in black leather...with a knife... It can only mean one thing...
Mirror Ezri: You got it baby! I'm from the Mirror --
Quark: My fantasy has come true! You love me and now we can run away together forever!
Mirror Ezri: (sigh) This has "long night" written all over it.

Rom: So we're stealing a cloaking device, right under Martok's and everyone else's noses, and then we're giving it to a bunch of crazies in the Mirror Universe?
Quark: Yeah. I know it's criminally insane, but --
Rom: Count me in.
Rom: Wheeeeee! Mirror Universe-amondo!
Mirror Vic Fontaine: Hi everybo-- GAK!
Mirror Bashir: That's for the cheesy '50s set!
Mirror Vic: GAK!
Mirror Bashir: That's for the screen time you stole!
Mirror Vic: GAK!
Mirror Bashir: And that's for the freakin' album you did!
Mirror Vic: Okay, OKAY! I said GAK!

Zek: ...So you see, you could boost your profit margins by not killing everyone in sight.
Mirror Kira: Fascinating, if true. Though I much prefer a --
Mirror Garak: Just shut up! I still don't get why you keep her alive.
Mirror Worf: Hey, if any more mirror cast members die, what chance do we have of our own show when DS9 finishes?

Mirror Ezri: Captivity's for losers -- I say we escape now. Hero of the scene, please enter!
Rom: Brunt?
Mirror Brunt: Don't worry, they're just running out of Mirror Ferengi to kill.
Quark: Yeesh, we'd have more fun with a Mirror Kirayoshi.
Mirror Brunt: What are you talking about? He's our head of security.

Mirror Ezri: Honey, I'm home!
(Big smooches with Intendent Kira)
Quark: Oh great, now she chooses a woman over me! You know, this is just perfect, I --
Mirror Worf: Yeah, yeah, yawn, etc. Throw him in the slammer, boys!
Quark: And my brother too?
Mirror Worf: Sure, why not. You wouldn't all try and escape on us now, would you?
Zek: Silly boys, how'd you manage to get captured this time?
Rom: Hey, quiet you! You're cheating on Moogie!
Zek: Am not!
Rom: Am too!
Zek: Am not!
Rom: Am too!
Quark: Bah. Suicide would be more fun than this.
Mirror Brunt: You don't think they'll kill those nice Ferengi, do you?
Mirror Kira: Argh! You're so unbearably nice! You must die!
(Slashes Mirror Brunt's throat)
Mirror Brunt: Ow! Down I go....
Mirror Kira: Honestly, I've killed so many people you think the list of betrayals against me would ease up a bit.
Mirror Ezri: Erm, yeah. Excuse me while I suddenly lose interest in you.
Intendant Kira: Sure, just don't be too long.

Mirror Garak: Bah! You'd think that the Alliance actually having cloaking technology previous to this little skit would ensure that I'd have the cloaking device working by now!
Mirror Ezri: Quite. Just get the bumpy headed idiot to help.
Mirror Garak: Yeah, like that makes sense.
Rom: Hahaha, Garak is a stupid head!
Mirror Garak: You can't hurt me, you freak! (sniff)
Mirror Worf: I'm bored! Just kill the Ferengi already!

Mirror Garak: I'm so evil -- I have an evil virus that I would have used on Kira, but I'm so evil I'm going to use it on you. BWAHAHAHAHA! Now just wait while I have a momentary lapse of sanity...
Rom: (gulp)
(Power goes out)
Quark: Phew! It's a good thing the Defiant drops in to save the day all the time here too!
Mirror Ezri: Take this, you clownish-naff-impersonation-of-a-really-cool-character, you!
(Ezri injects Mirror Garak with the virus)
Mirror Garak: Bah! I'll get you next time, super-blatch! GAK!

Mirror Kira: I'll just tiptoe on out of here....
Mirror Ezri: Gotcha!
Mirror Kira: Oh crud. You know, you could escape with me.
Mirror Ezri: Nah. Hey, it's nothing personal; I'd just prefer to hang with a bunch of deaf gypsies that want to curse me for an eternity while simultaneously being force-fed rocks and dirt by a huge flesh-eating spider.
Intendant Kira: So you'll drop me a line sometime?

Quark: Yay, we survived! We're cool!
Rom: Yeah! And hey, look, my wifie's here too! Oh happy days!
Mirror Leeta: Hey there!
Mirror Ezri: Hi sexy!
Rom: (sigh) This place is just way too confusing. Just hang on a sec will you?
Quark: Sure.
(Rom runs to get a sex change at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 20, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Andy Taylor.