Five-Minute "Past Prologue"
by Derek Dean

Garak: Greetings, Doctor Bashir! Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Garak and I'm a --
Bashir: Spy? Cardassian informant? Character of questionable motives?
Garak: Spy? Me? Why, what a shocking revelation! I am quite sure that in my time here since the Cardassians left that you are the first person to insinuate that.
Bashir: Heard that one before, have you?
Garak: Not often... only two or three times every hour.

Bashir: Oh my gosh! You'll never believe it! The spy! The spy talked to me! Maybe he wants my secrets!
Dax: What secrets, Julian?
Bashir: Maybe he knows about my genetic -- uh, research! My genetic research! But the point is that he's after me!
Dax: (in the background) Benjamin, a Bajoran ship is being fired upon.
Sisko: Hail them.
Bashir: Or maybe he's trying to recruit me! Maybe he wants me to work for the Cardassians; I could be a double-agent!
Los: (over the comm in the background) Sanctuary, please!
Sisko: Beam him off!
Bashir: Wow, I wonder what he's going to do? Maybe he'll try to interrogate me!
(WHOOSH, in the background!)
Kira: Quick! Get him medical attention.
Bashir: I bet I grow up to be a spy! I'm so good at figuring out what's going on!

Dunar: (over the comm) Commander, I must insist that you hand over the Bajoran at once. He has bombed our cities and stolen a sacred relic. In short, he is a terrorist.
Sisko: Well, of course, he is; he's a Bajoran.
Kira: I think I speak for all Bajorans when I say, HEY!

Sisko: Why are you still a terrorist even after the Cardassians withdrew?
Los: Um, yeah, about that. I've been thinking that it's wrong for me to blow up and terrorize the people who have subjugated my people for years!
Sisko: That's... good.
Los: No really. I've got some good Federation guilt going on now, and I want to reform and be good. For... the safety of puppies... and Christmas!

Admiral: (over the comm) Ben, your Bajoran liaison officer just called me and droned on and on and on about ten things she hates about you.
Sisko: Your point?
Admiral: Do we need to review our analogies? Picard : children :: Me : ...
Sisko: Sigh. Liaison officers.

Dunar: We Cardassians demand Los and the revered symbol he stole from our people!
Sisko: Wait a second... Admiral Forrest? I thought you were dead!
Dunar: I don't know what you're talking about. Just hand over Tahna Los!
Sisko: Oh please, you should know you can't strong-arm me into giving you the vaunted Bajoran terrorist.
Dunar: Something tells me I should be killing you for that last line.

Kira: Los, we need the Federation because they provide wormhole protection, and they've got a great insurance plan for it with the optional Occupation rider.
Los: So selling out to them is all about money?
Kira: When it comes to the wormhole, we don't want to do anything that will hurt our prophets.

Lursa: Greetings, W-- Hey, this isn't TNG!
B'Etor: I knew we should have made that left turn at Albuquerque.
Odo: I'm afraid we already have a plot going on, you'll have to leave.

Odo: The Duras sisters aren't leaving. Fortunately, they're wanted by the Klingons for being crappy villains, so we can arrest them.
Sisko: They haven't been on DS9 before, so I'm not sure I feel comfortable arresting them for that.
Odo: True. It's not like the Klingons are our allies who would appreciate us capturing their criminals or anything.

Lursa: We would be willing to betray Los to the Cardassians for, say, thirty pieces of silver.
Garak: I'm sorry. You must have me confused with someone else. I'm just a plain, simple tai--
B'Etor: Don't give me that! You're obviously a spy for your people!
Garak: Sigh.

Garak: Ah, Doctor! You'll see that some additional Bajoran terrorists have arrived. Perhaps you should come by my shop at 2055 to buy a suit.
Bashir: Thanks, Garak, but I have enough suits already.
Garak: No no, Doctor, I mean you should "come by my shop" at 2055 precisely to "buy a suit."
Bashir: Huh?
Garak: Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we?
Bashir: Um, no, no. I'm actually really smart, I'm just, uh, playing along! Yeah....

Kira: Odo, I'm not sure what I should do. I'm going to have to choose sides, and when I do I'll be betraying someone. What should I do?
Odo: First off, you shouldn't have confessed this to me since if you choose to aid the terrorists, I'm already tipped off about it.
Kira: Hm. Good point. On the plus side, that makes my decision a lot easier.

Garak: Doctor, you're late. Quick, quick, into the dressing room and, uh, try this on. Quietly.
Bashir: But --
Garak: No buts... Ah, ladies! Welcome to my shop! I assume you're here about betraying the Bajoran after you give him bilitrium, correct?
Lursa: Yes, and then you can give him to the Cardassians whom you work for -- and why are we talking like this?
Garak: No reason, no reason. Now off you go.... So, Doctor, how do your clothes fit?
Bashir: Garak, you gave me a dress.
Garak: A very becoming one, I might add.

Bashir: What's bilitrium?
Garak: Like any unheard-of chemical substance, it's a highly volatile explosive. All Los would need to make a bomb would be a toothpick, a rubberband, and an old sock.
Bashir: GASP! That's why the Cardassians are after him!
Garak: Exactly, he stole the Sacred Cardassian Sock Puppet of Doom.

Sisko: So, how do we stop Los?
Odo: Unfortunately we can't arrest him since he hasn't actually done anything, so that basically just leaves one option.
Kira: Yeah, I'll have to take a shuttle and go along with him until he actually does something illegal.
Odo: I meant summary execution.

Los: Have you got the bilitrium?
Lursa: Yes, we accept payment in gold, latinum, or trilithium.
Los: PayPal?
B'Etor: NEVER!

Los: Excellent, I have now built... the Bomb!
Kira: That was your plan? It stinks!
Los: That's probably just the Cardassian sock. -- Hey! We're being pursued by a runabout and the Cardassians! You informed on me, didn't you?
Kira: Yes, and I'm glad, GLAD!
Los: Well, you better evade these ships or else I'll destroy these Bajoran colonies right here.
Kira: But that defeats the whole point of your cause....
Los: Shut up, I've reached over-the-top-villain status, my motivations aren't important anymore! And besides, you'll be responsible for their deaths since you forced me to detonate the bomb.
Kira: Why do villains always use this logic? Why does it always work?

Los: Next stop, the wormhole, where I intend to explode the bomb and seal the opening! Mwahahaha!
Kira: Well, we can't have that! I must keep you from the wormhole by... going inside the wormhole! That'll stop you!
Los: Huh?

(BOOM!)
Sisko: (over the comm) Your bomb has been detonated and our runabout has your runabout surrounded. Surrender.
Los: A good terrorist knows when it's time to call it quits. Very well, I surrender.
(Los is arrested at Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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