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Five-Minute "In the Hands of the Prophets"

by Derek Dean

O'Brien: Want a Sugar Daddy?
Keiko: The sign says "Jumja Sticks".
O'Brien: That's odd. Whenever I pass this place with Neela, she always says "Will you buy me one Sugar Daddy?"
Keiko: Um, should I be worried?
O'Brien: Nah. They're low-fat.

Keiko: ...and that's why religion sucks. Now let's all bow our heads and pray to Albert Einstein.
Winn: Greetings, I am ... KAI WINN. Mwahahahahahaha!
Keiko: Kai?
Winn: Well, I will be soon.

Neela: Check out my cool repair job. You can't even tell I've sabotaged the whole system.
O'Brien: You did what?
Neela: Er, I mean, uh, -- hey, look! Jumja sticks! Will you buy me one, Sugar Daddy?
O'Brien: Sure, I will. One Sugar Daddy for the little lady.
Neela: You're so funny.

Keiko: I was only doing their science catechisms; I don't know why the Bajorans would take offense.
Sisko: Which catechism?
Keiko: You know, "There is no God but Albert, and there's no such thing as Prophets."
Kira: I think I'm seeing the problem....

Winn: Greetings, Emissary, I am ...
Sisko: You did this already.
Winn: Humph! Infidel. I don't know why you get to see the Prophets, and I don't.
Sisko: The Prophets hope that by not talking to you, you'll get fed up with them and change religions.
Winn: If another religion sends me visions, I'll think about it.

Jadzia: Has anyone seen Ensign Aquino?
O'Brien: More importantly, has anyone seen my pocketknife?
Anyone: No and no.
O'Brien: Computer, where's my pocketknife?
Computer: Burned to a crisp with Ensign Aquino.
O'Brien: Computers -- is there anything they can't do?

O'Brien: I'll have one Sugar Daddy, please.
Vendor: For the last time, they're Jumja sticks. I don't have any Sugar Daddies.
O'Brien: Why you.... This is all because my wife won't teach your religion, isn't it?
Vendor: No, it's because they're called Jumja sticks!

Winn: Let the little children come unto me, and forbid them not, for of such is the Celestial Temple.
Keiko: Oh brother.
Winn: Let me put forth an olive branch regarding the school; instead of actually teaching the students, why don't you just let them watch Rikki-tikki-tavi over and over?
Keiko: The Jungle Book, maybe, but Rikki-tikki-tavi? No way.

Jake: I think the Bajoran religion is stupid.
Sisko: Shut up, Ishmael. Being the Emissary means I get discounts everywhere I go.
Jake: My dad, the televangelist.

Sisko: Why don't you come to the station and take care of Vedek Winn?
Bareil: Unfortunately, doing so would cause me to lose the crucial "young, homicidal women" vote.
Sisko: Well, you're no help.
Bareil: Sorry. Want a "Bareil in 2370" bumper sticker?

Bashir: Ha! I just discovered that Aquino was not killed by the power flow!
Sisko: He's still alive?
Bashir: No, genius. He was already dead when the power flow killed him.
Sisko: So who did it?
Odo: Considering all the people we've seen in this episode so far, I think it's obvious. It was Morn.

Neela: Did you know Aquino?
O'Brien: No more than any other redshirt. Just a simple "Hi. How are you? You're scheduled to die three days from now."
Neela: Chief, would you ever be attracted to a Bajoran woman?
O'Brien: Only if she were carrying my wife's child.

O'Brien: Someone sabotaged Runabout pad A.
Odo: Let's see... Forty-seven across... seven letters... "Inhabitant of Bajor." Hm... Have to come back to that one.
O'Brien: You're doing a crossword puzzle? Someone's trying to steal a runabout!
Odo: Just a second, what's a four-letter word for "a rapid expansion or increase"?
School: BOOM!
Odo: Hey, that fits! Thanks, school. Wait, school? Uh oh.

Winn: Yeah, see what happens when you join up with the Federation? Buildings spontaneously combust.
Sisko: That doesn't even make sense!
Winn: You don't fool me -- you really serve the Pah-wraiths, don't you? Don't you?
Sisko: Geez, you're treating me like I was Dukat or someone.
Winn: I'd rather be with him than you.

Bareil: I've decided to come to the station. Recent polls suggest I need to strengthen my vote among "women who were formerly in the Resistance."
Sisko: Welcome aboard.

Neela: Hi, Winn. I've already given away that I'm part of a conspiracy, but I wanted to make it clear that you are too.
Winn: Just think. If you succeed, you'll go to a paradise with many young virgins.
Neela: Virgin men, right?
Winn: Um, I'm not sure.

O'Brien: (over the comm) Neela is going to assassinate Bareil!
Sisko: How'd you figure that out?
O'Brien: There are little bits of Sugar Daddy all over the sabotaged security systems.
Sisko: Actually, they're called -- never mind.

(Neela advances on Bareil.)
Sisko: NOOOOO...
(Neela draws her gun.)
Sisko: ...OOOOOO...
(Neela aims her gun.)
Sisko: ...OOOOOO...
(Neela fires and misses.)
Sisko: ...OOOOOO...
Kira: Hey, Winn is a bad guy. She tried to assassinate Bareil!
Neela: Wait, Vedek Winn is a guy?
Sisko: ...OOOOOO...

Kira: You know, last year around this time, I was unemployed. Now look at me.
Sisko: ...OOOOOO...
Kira: Just for the record, I don't think you're the devil.
Sisko: ...OOOOOO...
Kira: Geez, would you hurry up and finish your dive? The assassination attempt was two days ago!
(Sisko continues diving to stop Neela at inverse Ludicrous Speed.)


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This fiver was originally published on June 10, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Derek Dean.