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Five-Minute "In the Cards"

by Nate the Great

Bashir: This is the most boring party ever.
Sisko: Not really. Data once talked about brown dwarf stars for hours, didn't he, Chief?
O'Brien: He didn't get that far, but actually --
Sisko: Shut up and leave, all of you.
Senior Staff: Yes, sir.

Jake: I gotta cheer Dad up.
Quark: Buy something at the auction for him. I have a wide variety of junk that I'm sure some sap will buy.
Jake: Isn't it a Rule of Acquisition not to insult the customer?
Nog: Not in front of their face, at least. You should know better, Uncle!
Quark: Shut up and leave, all of you.
Jake and Nog: Yes, sir.

Nog: Why do you want to use my money to buy a baseball card?
Jake: Because you're the one with money or it's the only way you'll have a part in this episode, take your pick.
Nog: I choose Door Number Two, Monty.

Sisko: Welcome to DS9, Kai Winnbag.
Winn: What was that, Emissary?
Sisko: Huh? Oh, the wind or something. I hope my lousy mood isn't showing, Eminence.
Winn: Like I'd care.

Quark: Lot Number Forty-Seven: a bunch of stuff no one cares about plus a baseball card that only Sisko cares about. First bid, anyone?
Giger: More money than the kids can afford.
Quark: Sold!
Nog: That's cheating!
Giger: I'm a mad if benign scientist -- I don't care. Besides, this episode needs antics and I expect you two will provide.
Jake: Rats.

Jake: I was meant to give that card to my dad. Help me.
Nog: How come I have to be the one that's dragged along on the insane scheme?
Jake: You lost the coin toss.
Nog: Oh, right.

Giger: I'm not crazy!
Jake: Who said you were?
Giger: I did, when I won the auction -- oh, just shut up and leave, all of you.

Weyoun: Want to trade pseudo-pleasant barbs though clenched teeth?
Sisko: Usually, but I'm in a lousy mood, just to remind our viewers.
Weyoun: Whatever.

Giger: You want the card, I want all of this stuff.
Nog: No deal unless we know what it's for.
Giger: I'm building a machine to let us live forever by amusing our cells every night.
Nog: Actually, I think I'd rather not know. Just hand over the list.

O'Brien: I'm in a lousy mood, so no Cardassian gizmo for you.
Nog: We'll do your job. Go kayak or something.
O'Brien: Okay, fine, you can have a gizmo, but don't think that means that you know how to cheer me up. I'm a complicated guy, not like that simpleton Scotty who only needs a tech manual.

Bashir: I'm in a lousy mood, so no poisonous ooze for you.
Jake: How can a genetically enhanced guy be in a lousy mood? I'd think you of all people would understand that depressing situations are inevitable sometimes.
Bashir: Were this a serious episode, I'd agree, but since it isn't, I'm gonna be a crybaby and sulk over the teddy bear Leeta stole from me.
Nog: Whatever, we'll get the bear, just go away.

Winn: Bajor is gonna sign on with the Dominion.
Sisko: I think that's a bad idea.
Winn: Exactly why I like it.

Nog: Why are you writing a speech for Kira in the same room that I'm fixing Worf's operas in?
Jake: It's more funny this way.
Nog: I hope so, because that speech isn't.
Jake: Since when are you a writer?
Nog: Since you claimed to be a businessman, that's when!

Jake: Giger's gone, and so is his crazy gizmo!
Odo: Why do you care?
Jake: Why don't you?
Odo: Because it's not my episode and I'm always in a lousy mood.

Weyoun: You wanna join us or not?
Winn: No, it turns out you're evil.
Weyoun: Two comments come to mind. First, who are you to talk? And second, when did you think I wasn't?
Jake: Don't answer that, we have to accuse her of burglary and kidnapping.
Weyoun: That sounds much more fun.

Sisko: What are you thinking?
Jake: I wasn't, we were drunk.
Sisko: If I weren't in such a lousy mood I'd lecture you.

Weyoun: What are you two doing? You're hanging around with the senior staff, a mad scientist, and Kai Winn.
Giger: You betrayed me!
Jake: Oh shut up, Giger, we have to reveal that we're spies --
Weyoun: Never mind, you were always a lousy liar.
Nog: He's working on an immortality machine.
Weyoun: Okay, that sounds cool. Take your card and go.

Captain's Log: To sum up, everyone's in a great mood again and I have the card. Not a bad way to spend an hour, huh?
Nog: After that hour, I'd rather face the Dominion than do anything like that ever again.
Sisko: Shut up and go away, Nog.
Nog: Yes, sir.
(The station turns at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 10, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2006, Nate Grant.