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Five-Minute "Broken Link"

by Derek Dean

Odo: Did someone report a crime?
Garak: I did. Aroya here said you've stolen her heart.
Aroya: And I don't have a crime to report, but I can think of something else I'd like to do with your handcuffs.
Odo: Uh... you're scaring me.
Aroya: You say that, but you're like putty in my hands.
Odo: More like goo really. Gak.

Odo: So what's wrong with me?
Bashir: Well, you're strict, overbearing, distant, --
Odo: So what's wrong with me medically?
Bashir: Oh, well, here's a picture of you from before, and here's a picture of you now.
Odo: That's a picture of a raccoon, and the other is a picture of the sludge monster.
Bashir: Of course it is.
Odo: I think I want a second opinion.
Bashir: Well, you're strict, overbearing, distant, --
Odo: Sigh.

Gowron: (over the comm) We need breathing room.
Worf: Earth, Hitler, 1938.
Sisko: I think he's just looking for the opportunity to seize more land.
Kira: AH-CHOO!
Sisko: Seize, not sneeze.

Kira: Here's the list of scum on board the station.
Odo: Quark's name is on this twenty times.
Kira: Yeah, he's slipping.

Rionoj: Quick, let's get this contraband off the station before Odo catches us and says --
Odo: You're under arrest!
Rionoj: (sobbing) I give up! I promise I'll never steal another thing ever!
Odo: Geez, pull yourself together. Gak!
Rionoj: Speak for yourself.

Odo: I'm getting worse.
Bashir: I wouldn't say that.
Odo: What would you say?
Bashir: I'd say "You're getting worse."
Odo: (rolling eyes) My mistake.

Sisko: So let me get this straight. You're proposing we go to the Dominion, find a Founder, bring them to Odo, and hope they tell Odo's disease what to do with itself?
Bashir: That's the general idea.
Sisko: That's crazy!
Bashir: If you have a better idea, now's the time.
Sisko: Maybe we could attempt ... time warp.
Bashir: No, a better idea.

Garak: Can I come along with you to meet the Founders?
Sisko: Promise you won't try to kill them?
Garak: I promise you won't try to kill them.
Sisko: Good.

Garak: ...and so that's when I told the Hansens about the Borg.
Odo: That's impossible. No one knew about the Borg back then.
Garak: Well, at least they didn't go with their original plan.
Odo: What was that?
Garak: To have two more kids and have them form a singing group.
Odo: Ugh. I feel sick.

Jadzia: The Jem'Hadar want to beam over.
Sisko: Request denied.
Transporter: WHOOSH
Sisko: No one ever listens to me.
Female Shapeshifter: Huh? Did you say something?

Female Shapeshifter: Hey, Odo. How are you doing?
Odo: Well, I'm at my melting point. Or is it my freezing point?
Female Shapeshifter: I wouldn't worry about it. You're probably just going through a phase.
Odo: Think you can help me out?
Female Shapeshifter: You're not carrying any other diseases I should know about, are you?
Odo: None I know of.

Female Shapeshifter: I hear you killed another shapeshifter.
Odo: That was a whole year ago and you're just now approaching me about this?
Female Shapeshifter: Our legal system is as slow as molasses. Looks a lot like molasses too.

Garak: Speaking of events from a year ago, whatever happened to those Cardassian ships we sent your way?
Female Shapeshifter: Cardassians? What Cardassians?
Garak: Just tell me what happened to them.
Female Shapeshifter: Over my dead body.
Garak: As you wish.

Female Shapeshifter: Care to go for a swim with your species?
Odo: Does that make this the gene pool?
Female Shapeshifter: If you want to be acquitted, you need to stop making bad jokes.
Odo: Sorry. I didn't mean to get in over my head.
Female Shapeshifter: Grrr.

Worf: You have shown the first sign of betrayal so I must kill you. But I promise to leave your body intact.
Garak: I assume that's a joke?
Worf: We will see.

Odo: Splat.
Bashir: Splat?
Female Shapeshifter: Yeah, he's human now. Ha ha.
Sisko: For how long?
Female Shapeshifter: Forever.... Or six months.... Whichever comes first.

Garak: Here is your police uniform.
Odo: Here is your prisoner uniform.
Garak: But I don't want to be in prison.
Odo: Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get out early.

Gowron: (over the comm) We are annexing Poland.
Sisko: Poland's on Earth.
Gowron: Whatever. Prepare for war. By the way, I am definitely not a shapeshifter.
Odo: I don't believe him.
Sisko: Phew. Then we're not going to war?
Odo: No, stupid. I mean, he is a shapeshifter!
All: Gasp!
(The season ends suspensfully at Ludicrous Speed. Or is that ludicrously at Suspensful Speed?)


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This fiver was originally published on June 10, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2003, Derek Dean.