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Five-Minute "Earthshock"

by Scooter

Prof. Kyle: Our people keep dying mysteriously in these caves.
Lt. Scott: Great. Let's take some troops down and see if they bite it too.
Walters: I'll stay up here and watch the scanner. That way we'll know exactly when you all die.
Scott: Good-o.

Adric: Waaa! I want to go home.
Doctor: Too bad.
Adric: Why doesn't anyone like me?
Doctor: You want a list?

Scanner: (Pop! Pop! Pop! Freeoooww!)
Snyder: Stop playing "Space Invaders" and scan the caves.
Walters: Um...

Scott: I wonder if our problems are being caused by mysterious aliens.
Redshirt #1: GAK!
Scott: Hey, there aren't any redshirts on Doctor Who!
Redshirt #2: In this one there are. GAK!

Nyssa: Look! Dinosaur bones.
Doctor: Yep, they sure bought it big time.
Tegan: Hey, you're a Time Lord, you must know what happened.
Doctor: Actually, it's the other Doctors that pretend to know everything. I'm the neurotic one.
Nyssa: C'mon.
Doctor: Look, I gave you an encyclopedia for Christmas, so use it!

Scott: Halt!
Doctor: Oh, hello, I'm a mysterious alien.
Scott: And this is my gun.
Doctor: Nuts.

Scott: Now, since you are an alien, open this alien hatchway.
Doctor: Can't argue with that logic.
Nyssa: What if there's a bomb inside?
Tegan: Then it sucks to be us.
Doctor: Relax, I'll use Adric as a shield.
Nyssa: Works for me. Where is that melon thief, anyway?

Robots: Hi, we've been trying to scare you away for weeks. Can't you morons take a hint?
Scott: Never!
Robots: Then we regret to inform you that we're now switching into DIEDIEDIE mode. Ready?
Scott: No.
Robots: Too bad.

Robots: DIEDIEDIE...
Doctor: Captain Kirk time. Hey robots! You can't protect the hatchway and yourselves at the same time!
Robots: Fzzzt.
Doctor: Yay me.

Adric: Hi.
Doctor: Where were you?
Adric: Hiding.
Doctor: Wuss.
Adric: Back atcha.

Nyssa: See? There is a bomb behind the hatchway. And it's ticking.
Doctor: You are so going to get left behind on a leper colony someday.

Adric: Wait, there's a number on the side to call for service, and the country code is for Uranus.
Doctor: Not a word. Let's go!
Scott: Shouldn't we defuse the bomb first?
Doctor: Yeah, I hit the "off" switch. You guys coming?

Adric: Looks like we landed in the hold of a freighter headed for Earth.
Doctor: Funny, these silos are all exactly the same size as a Cyberman.
Adric: I've got a bad feeling about this.

Captain Briggs: What is it, Number One?
Berger: Captain, I've just had a sort of report thingy from Number Two.
Briggs: Oh dear, and me in the middle of my bath.
Berger: He says he's caught two prisoners in the cargo hold.
Briggs: Well that's nice. He's always wanted some.

Doctor: Hello. I'm the Doctor.
Adric: (cough)
Doctor: Oh, and Adric is still here. Not for long though.
Briggs: Hello there. Well, gin and tonics all around then, Number One.
Doctor: Look, if you're going to do Douglas Adams references, why don't you do it for the episodes he actually worked on?
Briggs: Where's the fun in that?

Nyssa: The TARDIS instruments are detecting a technobabble field out in the cargo hold.
Scott: Yay, maybe I can shoot it. Hey Bruce, wanna come?
Tegan: Yeah, all right. There's nothing to complain about in here.

Doctor: So you're saying you've got security clearance to land on Earth?
Briggs: Well, I seem to recall we're programmed not to land so much as... crash.
Doctor: Enough Hitchhiker's already!

Tegan: We'd better get back to the TARDIS.
Cyberman: Too late.
Tegan: Rabbits.

Doctor: Cybermen suck. Emotions rule.
Cyberman: Emotions suck. Do as we say or we kill the bossy Australian.
Doctor: Meh.
Tegan: Hey!

Doctor: The Cybermen have rigged the freighter to blow up Earth, but the bomb is locked with a mathematical key. Anyone here good at math?
Adric: Oo! Oo! Pick me. I was president of the Math Club at Alzarius High.
Doctor: All yours. We'll, er, wait for you in the TARDIS.
Adric: Promise not to take off without me?
Doctor: Um, sure.

Scott: I killed all the Cybermen, more or less.
Briggs: Great, thanks.

Doctor: Psst, everybody into the TARDIS, but don't tell Adric.
Adric: (not looking up) Almost done. Just give me -- (looking up) hey! Where is everybody?

Adric: Huh. My computations on the alien computer attached to the bomb are making the warp drive hurtle us backwards in time. Weird.
Arthur Dent: Oh, please. Even I don't believe that.

Wounded Cyberman: Hey -- it's Wesley! You must die!
Adric: I'm not Wesley, I'm Adric!
Cyberman: Close enough. (ZAP!)
Adric: Ha ha, you missed.
Cyberman: Yes, but you won't. I shot out the emergency brake. Say hi to the dinosaurs for me! (dies)
Adric: Triple crap.

Nyssa: Doctor, the freighter's going to crash with Adric still on it!
Doctor: Relax, he'll have a tiny cameo in the next episode.
Nyssa: All right then.
(The freighter and its doomed passenger smash into prehistoric Earth at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 2, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the company that makes Doctor Who. We, the administration of Five-Minute Voyager, could not possibly have less of a clue who that is. Well, actually we do since SCMoll told us, but it's funnier this way.

All material © 2004, Mark Wilson.