Five-Minute "The Fall of Night"
by Sa'ar Chasm
Starfury: Tag, you're it!
Sheridan: While I'm holding Mr. Keffer up for ridicule, let's all take a moment to remember the First Law of Not Dying in Battle: when all else fails, run away.
Lennier: Things are miserable.
Lennier: I should go.
Vir: You can't.
Vir: We're waiting for...uhh...I forget.
Lennier: Ah. What are you drinking?
Vir: I'm not sure. Something I bought from that Haitian bartender.
Drazi Ambassador: They invaded our space, and we fell back.
Pak'ma'ra Ambassador: They occupied our worlds, and we fell back.
Drazi: The line must be drawn he--
Sheridan: Yes, yes, we've all seen that particular movie. Couldn't you have picked something a bit less obvious to rip off? Did they send any messages when they attacked?
Drazi: All they said was "All your base are belong to us."
Sheridan: I demand an explanation for your military's actions.
Londo: An EarthForce captain does not make demands of the ambassador of a sovereign nation, especially one with the firepower to take this station apart like cheap Scandinavian furniture.
Sheridan: Don't play coy with me, Londo.
Londo: Captain, please! Don't feed the slashers. To answer your question, it wasn't an invasion, merely an advance without consent through territory that technically didn't belong to us.
Sheridan: Something's up with Londo. He's acting strange and making less sense than usual.
Garibaldi: I'd give my hair to figure out what was going on.
Sheridan: Hold that thought, I may take you up on it.
Starfury Pilot: We've all seen something in hyperspace. It looks like a cross between a spider and your worst nightmare.
Keffer: How the hell do you cross a spider with going to work naked?
Pilot: You're thinking of Ivanova's worst nightmare.
Keffer: Okay, how do you cross a spider with waking up without Mr. Happy, then?
Sheridan: Mr. Lantz, I'm Captain Sheridan, commander of this station.
Lantz: I am Lantzifer, Bringer of Peas.
Lantz: What? Oh, right. Peace. I meant peace. This is Mr. Welles, head of the Nightwatch.
Welles: What you people need around here is more locks.
Keffer: So what can you tell me about this Ghost?
Mitch: It was a weather balloon, OK? Or possibly some swamp gas.
Keffer: Swamp gas in hyperspace? Come on, I need to find this Ghost! It tasks me, it heaps me!
Mitch: "And he piled upon the whale's white hump, the sum of all the general rage and hate felt by his whole race. If his chest had been a cannon, he would have shot his heart upon it."
Keffer: Geez, what's with all the First Contact quotes today?
Lantz: I only want what's best for my grandchildren. Do you have children?
Ivanova: Not as such, no.
Lantz: Why haven't you done your reproductive duty to your species? Don't you like kids?
Ivanova: I adore children...I just couldn't eat a whole one.
Na'Kal: This is Captain Na'Kal of the Narn ship Bravely Running Away.
Sheridan: I see you've learned the First Law.
Na'Kal: There are those who would call us cowards. To those people I quote the ancient Narn proverb "He who fights and runs away doesn't get a bayonet in the liver."
Welles: Working with the Nightwatch is a great opportunity. It could open many windows for you.
Ivanova: You mean doors.
Welles: No, I mean windows. How do you want to be bribed today?
Ivanova: That depends. How do you want to be maimed today?
G'Kar: Captain, have I heard correctly that you've offered one of our ships sanctuary?
Sheridan: Indeed I have. An official from the Ministry of Peace is here, and we'll get it all sorted out.
G'Kar: Bah, Ministry of Peace. This does not reassure me, Captain. One of your nation-states once created a Ministry of Fisheries, and soon after, there weren't any fish left!
Welles: Brother Zack, you have been remiss in your denouncements. You've let this shopkeeper get away with saying all sorts of crazy things against the government.
Zack: Yeah, well, I've been busy... and stuff. Besides, he could be innocent.
Welles: Need I remind you of the Nightwatch motto? "Arrest 'em all and let Big Brother sort 'em out."
Zack: (sigh) It was him.
Welles: Excellent. Here's a receipt for your soul.
Mitch: Okay, Ahab, here's all the data I have on the Ghost. Good hunting. Just remember... Death awaits you! With nasty big pointy teeth!
Keffer: Wait, you never said it had teeth!
G'Kar: Ah, Mr. Lantz. I was hoping I'd be able to speak to you for a mom--
Lantz: I'm very sorry, Citizen G'Kar, but I have another pressing appointment.
G'Kar: An appointment! What is it?
Lantz: It's a meeting between two individuals set up in advance, but that's not important right now.
Sheridan: Babylon 5 to Narn vessel: if you shut down your jump engines, you'll be able to finish your repairs faster.
Narn Captain: But then we'll be helpless!
Sheridan: Hmm... good point. I know, we'll send some technicians out to build a barn around you. Nobody will ever know you're there.
Lantz: (storming in) Captain, I demand to know why you've been training you pilots to dogfight against the Centauri!
Sheridan: Relax. I'd only train against them if I planned on fighting them.
Lantz: You won't have to. We're signing a non-aggression treaty with them. At last, we will truly have peace in our time! ...Captain, you should turn down the air conditioning if it's making you shiver like that.
Ivanova: Happy non-denominational season-specific gift-giving occasion.
Sheridan: You know, maybe political correctness has gone too far. ...Hey, just what I always wanted: carbon-scored shrapnel with my initials on it.
Londo: (over the comm) Captain, I demand to speak with you.
Sheridan: (to himself) Even on Babcom he doesn't knock. (to Londo) What is it? I'm a very busy man and I'm right in the middle of enjoying some heavy metal.
Londo: It concerns the warcruiser my government has deployed between you and the jumpgate.
Keffer: Look at the size of that thing... what a bruiser.
Lantz: Do you think the Centauri will open fire? We've heard reports that they're using new missiles with warheads that cling to the target like Scotch thistles.
Sheridan: One ship against the station? I don't think they'll...
Centauri ship: KA-BLAM! KER-POW!
Sheridan: ... risk it.
B5: My prong! You shot my prong off! EAT HOT PLASMA, DIRTBAGS!
Sheridan: Babylon Five to Narn vessel: prepare to execute the First Law.
Welles: EarthGov is not amused, Captain. You could turn our peace treaty into a war between worlds.
Sheridan: I was merely obeying General Order 47.
Welles: 47? Now I know that can't possibly be a real order.
Lantz: Captain, you have moved the station into a pro-Narn position.
Sheridan: Don't be ridiculous. The station can't move. It doesn't have engines.
Starfury Computer: Remember that thing you told me to look for? It's in that direction.
Keffer: Excellent! (to rest of squadron) You guys continue with the mission and get the Narns to safety. I'm going to not violate regulations by heading off alone in a combat zone pursuing my own obsession.
Wingman: Try not to get yourself killed there, Ahab.
Keffer: Relax. Ahab only got killed when he tried to harpoon the whale, and these Starfuries don't come equipped with harpoons.
Sheridan: I'm sorry I didn't hand the Narn in the barn over to the bruiser of a cruiser, and I'm sorry it fired the missile with the thistle at the station with the Haitian.
Ivanova: (over the comm) We're ready for you now. How's the speech coming?
Keffer: Forget what I said earlier, look at the size of that thing!
Starfury Computer: Doesn't take much to impress you, does it? Men. You're all the same.
Sheridan: I go on walkin'/through the Zoc'lo/Centauri blokes'll/start following me...
Ivanova: G'Kar, you shouldn't be back there.
G'Kar: Yes, I realize that I have no official diplomatic standing anymore, and that Londo would arrest me if he could and Lantz wants nothing to do with me, but...
Ivanova: No, it's not that, you just look like a pervert hiding in the bushes like that.
Keffer: Begin log recording. (ahem) Dear Diary, you're never going to guess what happened. Today I went to the Zocalo to pick up some... GAK!
Sheridan: I saw some people scuttle/Centauri on the shuttle/left a bomb under the seat/And as the sky turned boomy... wait, bomb?
Kosh: ET phone home.
Sheridan: Is that the best you can come up with?
Kosh: Hey, representing action sequences textually is hard.
Lennier: What's that in the sky? It's a bird!
Drazi: It's a plane!
G'Kar: It's Superman!
Londo: It's... ummm... uh... That Guy!
Delenn: ... and if you're still wondering what just happened, I persuaded Kosh to leave his encounter suit, fly up and rescue you, and then he was seen by all the ambassadors who perceived him as an angelic being from their mythology, because the Vorlons have been influencing the development of all the races, and conditioned them to view them favourably. Any questions?
Sheridan: And you don't see anything wrong with this?
Delenn: Not particularly.
Sheridan: I guess the Vorlons have had more time to brainwash you, then.
Drazi: I still say it was the Angel of Destruction.
Narn: And I still maintain it was the Angel of Poking With The Soft Cushions.
Drazi: What did you see, Ambassador Mollari?
Londo: I saw the Angel of Invisibility. Now leave me alone.
Ivanova: (voice over) It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, except for the "best" bit. Many revelations had been dumped on us in a very short time, and many questions left unanswered, and we knew we were going to have to wait at least three months before any
of them were answered. Perhaps a review of the previous year's events would help. Who were the two Centauri who tried to blow up Sheridan? What repercussions will the new peace treaty have? Will Garibaldi keep his hair? And most importantly... will we ever find out what Keffer was going to pick up in the Zocalo?
TO BE CONTINUED....
Previous fiver: Comes the Inquisitor
Next fiver: Dust to Dust
Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, the author, Sa'ar Chasm.
Haven't seen the episode? The transcript will get you up to speed.
___ Five-Minute Babylon 5
___ ___ Season 2
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "The Fall of Night"
DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.
All material © 2005, Steven Maguire.