Five-Minute "Midnight on the Firing Line"
by Zeke

Centauri 1: Not much happening today.
Centauri 2: I'm bored.
Centauri 1: Say, isn't that a friggin' huge Narn fleet approaching?
Centauri 2: I wish I were bored.

Ivanova: Ivanova to Commander Sinclair. Commander? Hello?
Garibaldi: You'll have to go see him. He takes his link off for ten minutes a day in case of important news.

Vir: Londo! LONDO! There's --
Londo: Wait! You haven't been introduced yet. Mr. Garibaldi, this is my inept new assistant Vir. Vir, this is Mr. Garibaldi the alcoholic security chief. You're both offences against decency. Okay, now talk.
Vir: The Ragesh 3 colony is under attack!
Londo: What?
Garibaldi: See, this is why the Commander does the link thing.

Londo: I demand to know what Earth knows about this attack!
Sinclair: Is there some reason we would know more than the people under attack?
Londo: Of course! Because... all right, I just wanted someone to yell at.
Delenn: G'Kar and I just got the news, Ambassador. We're terribly sorry for your people.
G'Kar: Yes, we offer you our deepest sympathy. Which, I might add, is something the race responsible would never do.

Earth Alliance Freighter: Help! Help! We're under attack and require assistance from someone who's already having an annoying day!
Garibaldi: Dammit.

Talia: Hi, I'm Talia from Psi Corps. I'm supposed to check in with you.
Ivanova: That's good. Next you'll have to check in with Nightwatch, then Hitler, then SATAN IN HELL.
Talia: You're not... angry with me, are you?
Ivanova: You are the absolute worst telepath ever.

Sinclair: I don't think the Minbari did this -- they poke holes in minds, not Centauri colonies. That leaves the Narns and the Vorlons.
Ivanova: Yep. There are no other galactic powers out there.
Sinclair: Yep. Not a one.
Ivanova: I vote for the Vorlons 'cause they're cooler. Speaking of voting, who do you like in the election back home?
Sinclair: Santiago, I think. His VP strikes me as especially trustworthy.

Vir: We got some footage of the attack on the colony! Let's play it!
Londo: Excuse me? I'm trying to watch All My Follicles.
Vir: Don't you think this is more important?
Londo: You have a lot to learn about me, young padawan.

G'Kar: Oh, hi Londo. How are yAAAAACK!
Londo: The attack was by your people! DIE! DIE! DIEDIEDIE--
Security Guard: Whoa, break it up! Chief, why didn't you do something?
Garibaldi: Please. I've watched enough Daffy Duck to know that choking can only result in amusement.

Londo: Sorry I tried to kill G'Kar. I'll do it again.
Sinclair: Good. What?
Londo: See, we Centauri get to see our deaths in advance. Mine involves choking and being choked by G'Kar. But I can't tell you the rest.
Sinclair: Why not?
Londo: Spoilers.

Garibaldi: The freighter was already destroyed. By raiders with suspiciously good weapons.
Ivanova: You don't suppose this is related to the other suspicious parts of the episode, do you?
Garibaldi: Nah, that'd be too suspicious a coincidence, I suspect. Maybe --
Ivanova: We'll have to continue this chat later. I just saw Talia across the room and now I have to go to my quarters and destroy my voodoo doll of her some more.

Sinclair: You must know something about all this.
Kosh: Questions do not lead to understanding.
Sinclair: Isn't there anything you can tell me?
Kosh: The wall does not yet have enough ears.
Sinclair: I'll, um, see you later.
Kosh: Ferrets roam.

Londo: Excellent, Vir! Our government has decided to do something about the attacks!
Vir: Londo, that doesn't say "something." It says "nothing."
Londo: What? Damn you, English!

Garibaldi: Hi.
Talia: Hi.
Garibaldi: So....
Talia: No.
Garibaldi: Aw.

G'Kar: Surely you understand the Narns' position, Captain. Haven't you ever wanted to lash out, to set things right, to just grab the nearest Centauri and beat the crap out of him and then BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF HIM SOME MORE AND THEN --
Sinclair: Not really.
G'Kar: Oh. Well, we have.

Garibaldi: Bad news, Jeff. I think the raiders' next target is a ship full of innocent civilians.
Sinclair: Blast! Why can't raiders ever target guilty civilians?

Earthgov Official: Earth can't take sides yet. We need to wait things out, and maybe once an actual war is declared....
Sinclair: ....we can weasel out and appease the aggressors with a treaty?
Earthgov Official: You should have gone into world government.

Delenn: This Council meeting will come to order. First item: aren't the Narns jerks?
Council: (muttering of agreement)
G'Kar: Bias! Bias! Behold this video clip proving that my people are innocent!
Londo's Nephew: (on video) We, the citizens of Ragesh 3, are under at-- OW! Sorry -- not under attack by Narns. Really. Not remotely.
Londo: Hah! Is there even a chance the Council will fall for --
Council: (muttering of agreement)

Sinclair: Here come the raiders. Rogue Two, move in!
Starfury Pilot: (over the comm) Copy, Rogue Leader.
Raiders: Alas! We are defeated! Oh, the shame of it all!
Sinclair: I'd think there's more shame in being raiders who just fuss when they lose.
Raiders: I'm telling.

Garibaldi: Londo stalking towards G'Kar's quarters drunk and armed... as much fun as this could be, I should probably do something.
Londo: Don't stop me! I must kill G'Kar!
Garibaldi: Come on. In your condition, you couldn't tell G'Kar from a hat rack.
Londo: I may settle for killing you.

Sinclair: Guess what we found?
G'Kar: The silver key that opens the door on level 12?
Sinclair: Your evil agent on the raiders' ship.
G'Kar: That was my next guess. I don't suppose I can deny all Narn involvement?
Sinclair: He's a Narn. And his wallet has a signed picture of you labeled "My Boss."
G'Kar: Curse my inability to pass up autograph-seeking fans!

Sinclair: So much for that couple of subplots. I'm gonna go get a beer, you coming?
Garibaldi: You know I can't go near alcohol.
Sinclair: And I just love rubbing your face in it.
Garibaldi: Stupid rubbing alcohol. Well, there's always my anti-drug: Daffy.

Talia: Is your anger at me any less insane yet?
Ivanova: No, but I'll tell you why. I have a bitter, bitter grudge against telepaths. It's bitter.
Talia: Maybe you'll like me once you get to know me.
Ivanova: Not if you were the last Psi Corps telepath on the station!
Talia: I am.
Ivanova: Oh. Let's be friends.

Delenn: So... the duck can be crushed, chopped to bits, eaten, or dropped off a cliff and survive?
Garibaldi: Yep.
Delenn: Would your people be willing to share this technology with us?
Garibaldi: Just have some popcorn.

ISN Announcer: ...and President Santiago has won the election. I didn't vote for him, so I'm really pissed off and I'm just going to make up the rest of the news. Giant ferrets have been spotted roaming through --
Sinclair: Okay, that's enough TV for today. Time for sleep.
Ivanova: (over the comm) Commander, there's a problem....
Sinclair: I can't hear you, my link's off.
Ivanova: Oh. My mistake.
(The station spins at Ludicrous Speed)


Next fiver: The Parliament of Dreams


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This fiver was originally published on October 4, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.

All material © 2003, Zeke.