by Sa'ar Chasm
Ivanova: I love the night shift. No crises, no work... it's slackeriffic. All I need is a quiet diversion to occupy me until morning.
Corwin: Commander, the 356th Infantry Division is coming through the jumpgate.
Ivanova: I said diversion, not division.
Gen. Franklin: Captain, I'm Major-General Richard Franklin.
Sheridan: Franklin? We have a Dr. Franklin here. Any relation? I know that there are about a hundred billion humans in the Earth Alliance and the odds against it are astronomical, but since you're both black I thought you might know each other.
Gen. Franklin: "Enlightened 23rd Century", my brassy ass...
Sheridan: General, I'd like you to meet my senior staff. The stunning brunette is Commander Susan Ivanova, and the guy with his hands in his pockets is Garibaldi.
Gen. Franklin: I knew an Alfredo Garibaldi once.
Garibaldi: That was my father.
Ivanova: Your dad's name was Alfredo?
Garibaldi: Not a word out of you.
Ivanova: OK, OK, I promise not to tease you about this later.
Sheridan: She says she won't, but I wouldn't put it pasta.
Keffer: Hey! What are you jarheads doing smoking in my quarters?
Large: We were assigned a billet, but we couldn't find it so we just came to Room 47. They call me Large. It's ironic, because I'm really quite large.
Keffer: And what do they call this guy, Tiny?
Yang: Don't call me Tiny! It was my grandmother's name.
Dr. Franklin: Here, try this. It's the squeezings of the reproductive organs of a plant with completely alien biochemistry.
Gen. Franklin: *whine* But I like orange juuuuuuice.
Dr. Franklin: It is orange. Shut up and drink it.
Ivanova: All right, Doctor, move all these sick people out so these half dozen marines have a place to sleep.
Franklin: What, here?
Ivanova: Look, there are only so many places to stash warm bodies on a station with 2 cubic kilometres of habitable space. We've triple-bunked them in crew quarters and we're still short.
Franklin: Uh-huh. And how many soldiers have you got in your quarters?
Ivanova: Stephen! I resent that implication, and frankly I thought you were more of a gentleman. Men, pick any bed you like, and if Dr. Pervert here gives you any trouble, punch him.
Franklin: But that's not what I meant! Ow.
Franklin: I think he's just mad because I forgot to call on Father's Day last year. And the year before. And the year before that.
Ivanova: When was the last time you actually did call him?
Franklin: I'm not sure... what century is this, again?
Delenn: Mr. Garibaldi, why are there suddenly so many human soldiers on the station?
Garibaldi: They're relief troops for Io.
Delenn: But Io is in your home system, and we are on the frontier in the middle of nowhere. Surely relief troops could get straight from Earth to Io without even needing a jump gate.
Garibaldi: Look, I just propagate the cover stories, I don't make them up.
Kleist: Now what is this?
Delenn: I believe your people call it "hair". I'm sure you could find plenty of your own if you examined your back in a mirror.
Kleist: You're pretty mouthy for an outnumbered alien freak. Maybe we should teach you some manners.
Delenn: Please, your people couldn't defeat mine when you had vastly inferior starships. You haven't got a chance now that you're trained soldiers outnumbering a defenseless diplomat. Wait, no, that's not right...
Garibaldi: I could arrest you jarheads for fighting, but then you'd just clutter up my nice clean brig, so I'm going to let you go.
Dodger: That was kind of you. Nice shoes, let's have sex.
Garibaldi: Isn't that supposed to be my line?
Dodger: It's the 23rd century. Women can be just as boorish and single-minded as men. It's like Sex and the City, only with combat boots.
Gen. Franklin: ...and then I'll move my little soldiers in along the square of the hypotenuse and take the base.
Sheridan: That flank is the most heavily defended part of the entire battlefield. What happens after everyone gets killed?
Gen. Franklin: Then I'll stand them up and try again.
Sheridan: ...What the hell kind of general are you?
Gen. Franklin: Sir, I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
Sheridan: How long have you been waiting to say that?
Gen. Franklin: Since the day I got promoted.
Sheridan: Sir, let me tell you a story about my father... sir? General!
Gen. Franklin: Zzzz... wstfgl? I'm sorry, I appear to have fallen asleep in mind-conversation. How strange... that's never happened before.
Sheridan: Really? I've found it's surprisingly common in people I talk to.
Garibaldi: Home sweet home. What do you think?
Dodger: Good sheets. Nice place. OK, enough chitchat. Kiss me, for tomorrow I most likely die.
Garibaldi: Don't say that! You could be a recurring character.
Dodger: I could do both! Who says I can't?
Sgt. Maj.: I don't know what I've been told!
Jogging Marines: In space it's really really cold.
Ivanova: I see they've managed to learn a new marching song.
Sheridan: Damn jarheads, with their muscle tone and their chiseled features and their... Commander, are you drooling?
Ivanova: *wipes mouth* Of course not. Sir, where are you going?
Sheridan: I just remembered I have to be at the gym in 26 minutes.
Dr. Franklin: Are you sure you have to do this, Dad?
Gen. Franklin: It's for the glory of Earth and the honour of our family. I have to go blow these rebels up.
Dr. Franklin: Dammit, Dad, we're not vikings! There's more to warfare than just songs and sagas and odes!
Gen. Franklin: Odes? Where we're going, we won't need odes.
Yang: I'm nervous. It's my first battle. Do you think they'll be gentle?
Keffer: I wouldn't worry about it. Live or die, I'll probably never see you again anyway, so it doesn't matter.
Large: This calls for a barfight! (THWOCK) Tag, you're it!
Barfighters: See how progressive we are by showing men and women beating each other up equally?
Gen. Franklin: What the hell is wrong with you yardapes? Captain, I'd be a terrible commander if I didn't immediately offer to abandon my own people to someone else's justice.
Sheridan: No! Get these jarheads off my station! They're cramping my manliness.
Gen. Franklin: Well son, I guess this is goodbye.
Franklin: I know it sounds cliched, Dad, but take care of yourself out there.
Gen. Franklin: Don't worry. When the shooting starts, I shall be hundreds of miles away, safe in my tent with my little soldiers.
Franklin: *sniff* That's my Dad.
Dodger: Well, you went three whole days without succumbing to my charms. I don't know whether to slug you or give you a medal.
Garibaldi: You can give out medals? What kind?
Dodger: I believe the French call it La Balle Bleue.
Reporter: Tell me, General, how goes the battle?
Gen. Franklin: Splendidly! I am confident that soon the Rebellion will be crushed, and Skywalk--
Gen. Franklin: What? Oh. Right. (ahem) Outcomes are within expected parameters.
Reporter: And how are the casualties?
Gen. Franklin: And how are the whatnow?
Random Marine: Yes! I'm the last one standing! There can be only on--GAK!
(The station spins at Ludicrous Speed)
And now, ladies and gentlemen, here for a limited engagement... General Franklin!
I am the very model of a modern Earthforce general;
I am about as subtle as a jester at a funeral,
I dabble in the husbandry of creatures lagomorphical,
And cannot be surpassed in my command of matters wharfical.
I categoric'ly recount the jewels of Queen Zenobia,
I treat Earth's friends and foes alike with rampant xenophobia,
My quarters are festooned with bounteous blossoms artfully arranged,
And from my son and family I'm only partially estranged.
If I could only give commands without a childish hissy-fit,
Then I could lose my derriere while sitting right on top of it.
While my grasp of soldiers' needs is poor and competence ephemeral,
I am the very model of a modern Earthforce General!
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Next fiver: Comes the Inquisitor
Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, the author, Sa'ar Chasm.
Haven't seen the episode? The transcript will get you up to speed.
___ Five-Minute Babylon 5
___ ___ Season 2
___ ___ ___ Five-Minute "GROPOS"
DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.
All material © 2010, Steven Maguire.