Five-Minute "Grail"
by Sa'ar Chasm

Deuce: Jinxo! So nice to see you. Now, since you worked on this station, you can tell me where to find the secret passage that leads from the conservatory to the lounge.
Jinxo: I keep telling you, I didn't do it! I mean, I didn't build it! I mean... uh... what was the question?
Deuce: Jinxo my boy, you're a nice kid, so I'm going to give you one more chance. While you're enjoying that chance, I want you to watch what happens to this nice lady over here.
Miriam: Hi.
"Kosh": slurpgurglemeow.
Jinxo: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa... (dopplers away)

Customs Official: Name?
Gajic: I am Aldous, Seeker of the Order.
Customs Official: Purpose of visit?
Gajic: I seek the holy grail...
Customs Official: (pause)
Gajic: Oh, come on, you know you want to say it.

Delenn: True Seeker, welcome. I am Delenn. This is Sinclair and Garibaldi. I know what you seek, and I have informed these men that any questions about swallows will be met with the deadliest of force.
Sinclair: Uh, hi.
Gajic: Thank you. My Order has searched all of Earth for the Grail and found nothing.
Garibaldi: Did you look under the couch? Whenever I lose something, it's always there.

Jinxo: Sneak... sneak... sneak... yoink!
Gajic's Wallet: Help! Help! I'm being kidna-- (murgle mrph)
Garibaldi: You're nicked, mate.
Jinxo: Dammit! How'd you catch me so easily?
Garibaldi: Well, you could have dodged a bit more artfully.

Sinclair: What's wrong with miss, uh... (checks toe tag) ...Miriam here?
Franklin: She's in a persistant vegetative state. Her mind's been completely wiped. My guess is gnomes with tiny blackboard erasers.
Sinclair: Can you help her?
Franklin: With a little plant food and some fertilizer, I think she can live a full, decorative life in my waiting room.

Magistrate: This court will now hear the case against Mr. Jinxo. Did you do it?
Jinxo: Well, maybe a little, but I --
Magistrate: Guilty! I sentence you to be hurled out an airlock.
Gajic: Your Worship, let me take the boy. Under my tutelage, he can become something better, the Hornblower to my Sawyer, the Robin to my Batman, the Anakin to my Obi-Wan... no, wait...

Magistrate: This court will now hear the case against Mr. Deuce. Call the first witness.
Bailiff: Call the first witness!
Voice Down The Hall: Call the first witness!
Voice Further Down The Hall: She's a vegetable!
Voice Down The Hall: She's a vegetable!
Bailiff: She's a vegetable!
Garibaldi: It seems she's a vegetable, Your Worship.
Magistrate: I know, I heard it the first three times.

Gajic: So tell me about this Babylon Curse of yours.
Jinxo: All the other races said we were daft to build a station here, but we built it anyway. It crashed into the planet. So we built another one... it crashed into the planet, so we built a third one. It lost pressure, broke in half and then
crashed into the planet.
Gajic: What happened to the fourth station?
Jinxo: They took me into custody and told the guards to make sure I stayed there and didn't leave the room. However, the guards got a bit confused....

Franklin: Aha! I know what we're dealing with. It's a na'ka'leen feeder.
Ivanova: You mean it's a plastic thing you fill with na'ka'leen food and hang in your backyard?
Franklin: Uh... no.

Sinclair: Ambassador, we need some information. We have reason to believe that a creature from one of your worlds, a na'ka'leen feeder, is on the station --
Londo: A WHAT?! Commander, you must destroy the station immediately!
Sinclair: Surely you're overreacting. How did your people deal with them on their home planet?
Londo: We nuked the site from orbit. It was the only way to be sure.

Gajic: Do you have the Grail?
Delenn: No, but we do have this lovely lantern.
Gajic: A pity. It was worth a shot. Good day, Ambassador.
Delenn: Wait, don't you want the lantern?
Gajic: No thank you. As far as our quest goes, it's not very illuminating.

"Kosh": Seymour, feed me!
Deuce: All right, all right, but only if you stop calling me Seymour.

Franklin: Aha! Progress!
Sinclair: How so?
Franklin: I've narrowed down the cause of the marks on Miriam's face. It's either that brain-eating monster or Botox injections.

Gajic: Do you have the Grail?
Londo: I don't know, I don't know what a grail looks like. I suppose I could check with my government, but that will take time, plus there's the small matter of the (coughbribecough) search fee...
Vir: Oh, don't worry Londo, all the information they're looking for is right here.
Londo: Vir, how many times have I told you to keep your mouth shut when I'm shaking down petitioners?!

Jinxo: I suppose I should learn something about this Order I've been press-ganged into.
Grajic: Always two there are, a master and an apprentice. We used to have more, but the numbers never added up. 2+2=5 is ungood for everyone.
Jinxo: So, do I get to call myself Sir Jinxo or what?

Thug: There he is! Get him!
Gajic: This little one is not worth the trouble. Let me get you something... like a knuckle sandwich!
(divers alarums)
Jinxo: Impressive. Where'd you learn to fight like that?
Gajic: 7-11. We used to go down and rumble with those greasy Seekers Of The Old Clay Pot in the parking lot.

Gajic: Do you have the grail?
Kosh: The cat says meow.
Jinxo: Meow? AAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.... (dopplers away)
Gajic: Was that a yes or a no?

Gajic: What was all that about?
Jinxo: The Vorlon will eat your brain and swallow your soul!
Gajic: If you think you have information, you should go talk to Sinclair before you get kidnap-- (clonk)
Jinxo: Brave Sir Jinxo to the rescue! (runs away)

Sinclair's Secretary: Commander, your 11:30 Plot Advancement is here.
Garibaldi: We don't know how the feeder got aboard, and the magistrate has been kidnapped.
Sinclair's Secretary: Sir, you have to actually wait for the commander to tell me to send you in before you can tell him that.
Garibaldi: Dammit! I always screw that up.

"Kosh": Seymour, feeeed me!
Deuce: I told you to stop calling me Seymour! I was going to let you feast on the tied-up magistrate here, but now I'm only going to let you eat his jeans.
"Kosh": Are they Levi's?
Deuce: Ha! You wish I'd let you eat topp of the line.

Jinxo: OhmygodCommanderyou'vegottohelpcomequickcowsgomoothey'vegot-(deeeeep breath)-GrajicIcan'teatsandwicheswithmittensandtheVorlon'sgonnaeathimIlikekittens...
Sinclair: Somebody take this man to Medlab, give him a belt of Scotch and a space bar, and see if you can make out what the dickens he's trying to say.

Gajic: You don't want to eat this old magistrate. He's tough and stringy. Why don't you come out into the light where we can see you?
"Kosh"/Feeder: Actually, that's not a bad idea. It's cramped in there.
Gajic: I know it seems like you're surrounded by horror, but it doesn't have to be this way. You can walk away from all this, maybe open a little shop somewhere, sell plants....
"Kosh"/Feeder: I hate plants... they give me gas.

Sinclair: All right, men, we have to take down that monst-- Michael! How can you eat at a time like this?
Garibaldi: I like to feed my face before I face a feeder.

Garibaldi: All of you, up!
Feeder: (leaps up into the ceiling)
Sinclair: You forgot to say "hands" again!
Garibaldi: Dammit!
Feeder: That was it? I was expecting a big rock 'n roll dance number. Oh well. GAK!

Deuce: In all this excitement, I'm sure nobody will notice my laboriously take aim at Jinxo's unprotected back and pull the trig--
Gajic: (dives) NOOOOOOOOO! Gah!
Deuce: Oh. Guess someone did.

Gajic: Ouch...that's going to leave a stubb.
Jinxo: That was amazing...your dive was timed perfectly, and your "NOOOOOO!" was spot on.
Gajic: Hah! Take that, Sisko! GAK!

Sinclair: I don't think anyone expected that thing to come out of a Vorlon encounter suit. It looked a bit like a jellyfish... did you just trip over something?
Kosh: (coughhiccupthroatclear) No. Really. The jellyfish that Sinclair sees is not the jellyfish you are looking for.

Garibaldi: Well, so long Jinxo. Try not to get into too much trouble.
Jinxo: Actually, I'm going by my middle name now: Thomas.
Garibaldi: Wait, your first name really is Jinxo?
Jinxo: I don't want to talk about it.

Sinclair: Well, that was a letdown. I was hoping that Seeker guy would grant me a boon, but he kept putting me off.
Ivanova: What did he say?
Sinclair: No boon today. Maybe boon tomorrow.
Ivanova: There's always a boon tomorrow.
(The station spins at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on February 4, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.

All material © 2006, Steven Maguire.