Five-Minute "Believers"
by Sa'ar Chasm

Franklin: M'Ola, Tharg, your son will be fine. He just requires a simple operation.
M'Ola: Operation? We couldn't possibly allow that. Our beliefs forbid it.
Franklin: No, really, it's perfectly safe as long as I don't touch the sides...
M'Ola: He will be forever considered apostate if you make his nose light up!

Ivanova: Commander, incoming distress call from the liner Asimov.
Sinclair: What's their status?
Ivanova: Contending in vain.
Sinclair: Okay, take out a Starfury and remove yourself from the main plot.

Franklin: There is another procedure, but it does involve a fair amount of discomfort.
M'Ola: That's all right, it's not our discomfort. What's it called?
Franklin: It's... uhhh... a firomactal specific followed by fizzbin therapy.

Franklin: Care to watch some TV while you're in therapy?
Shon: Sure. With any luck, I can catch the Justice League season finale.
M'Ola: No, I forbid it. Your TV is awash in inappropriate cultural metaphors. Shon may see Janet Jackson's naked breast and be scarred for life.
Franklin: 300 years in the future and some people still won't let that go.

Hernandez: I can't believe you gave that boy a piece of glowing radioactive goo as a pet.
Franklin: It's just a harmless little exercise in psychological self-delusion.
Hernandez: And how is your self-delusion any better than their self-delusion?
Franklin: Easy. I know my self-delusion is rubbish.

Franklin: I don't understand their reaction, Commander. It's not like I walked in with a pair of pruning shears asking "Can I have your liver?"
Sinclair: Hmm. This could be a difficult decision, fraught with diplomatic and cultural considerations.
Franklin: Sir, ethically we're required to...
Sinclair: Don't confuse me with ethics when I'm being wishy-washy.

Ivanova: Launch Starfury 1... Starfury 2.
Wingman: Only two fighters?
Ivanova: Two fighters is what EarthForce recommends for escorting lumbering helpless civilian ships through territory swarming with pirates.
Wingman: Has EarthForce been taking strategic lessons from Starfleet?

M'Ola: How are you feeling?
Shon: (wheeze) Well, I'm breathing funny (wheeze), and the light hurts my eyes.
M'Ola: Perhaps if we got you something to block the light, a sort of dark helmet...
Shon: Mum, I think you're being too literal.

Sinclair: I'm not sure I understand the basis of your objections.
M'Ola: If one of our kind is punctured, the soul flies out of the chest cavity and whizzes around the room like a leaking balloon.
Sinclair: We can use the latest in soul-catching technology...
M'Ola: Every member of my species is born with the words "No user-serviceable parts inside" on his or her chest. Tampering with that voids the warranty.

Tharg: Will you intervene on our behalf?
G'Kar: If you don't mind putting up with my naked avarice.
M'Ola: Will you intervene on our behalf?
Londo: If you don't mind putting up with my naked bureaucracy.
Tharg: Will you intervene on our behalf?
Kosh: (trainwhistle toiletflush awoooga) If you don't mind putting up with my naked gibberish. Stoat.
M'Ola: Will you intervene on our behalf?
Delenn: If you don't mind me pointing out the hypocrisy of demanding that I violate my beliefs so that you don't have to violate yours.
M'Ola: I'll just be going now.

Garibaldi: Why so glum, chum?
Sinclair: Never say that to me again.
Garibaldi: Sorry.
Sinclair: To answer your question, I can't seem to foist off this sick-child issue onto anybody else. It's exceedingly difficult to be wishy-washy when my superiors refuse to make the decision for me.

Shon: Don't tell Dr. Franklin that I've seen through his psychological self-delusion. It means a lot to him.
Sinclair: Cute kid. Does he come in blond?

Sinclair: Who are you to judge whether a religion is true or false? "If one's right, maybe they're all right."
Franklin: And if one's wrong, maybe they're all wrong. Besides, you established a precedent for this sort of thing in the pilot.
Sinclair: I'm aware of that, and I've been cursing the writers for that for the past half hour.

Tharg: We are so proud that you are dying for your beliefs.
Shon: Technically I'm dying because of my beliefs.
M'Ola: We will sing many songs for you.
Shon: Y'know, letting me have the operation would be a lot more helpful.

Hernandez: Which should we remove first? The funny bone, the charley horse or the water on the knee?
Franklin: Shhh! This is very delicate work. Pass me the pruning shears.

Ivanova: All right you raiding bastard, take THIS!
Ivanova's Guns: Zap! Zap!
Ivanova's Radar: Beep! Beep! Beep!
Ivanova: Oh, sh--
Raider ship: BOOM!

Franklin: So how do you feel?
Shon: I'm not sure... it's hard to tell.
M'Ola and Tharg: No jinxie winxie! No jinxie winxie! Back, demon! The power of Christ compels you!
Shon: Tell my mother I feel fine.

Sinclair: I can't believe you went against orders and operated!
Franklin: And I can't believe that you can't believe that I couldn't go against what I believed.
Sinclair: Where do you get off trying to play god?
Franklin: Somebody has to since you sent Ivanova away.

M'Ola: My husband says that even though you went against our wishes and eviscerated our son like a mere animal, he knows that you didn't do it out of malice.
Franklin: Tell your husband that if you weren't such stiff-necked superstitious sheep I wouldn't have had to.
Tharg: Wife, tell that infidel vermin that if he continues to speak in such a manner, Tharg will smash with club.
M'Ola: My husband says--
Franklin: I heard him.

Franklin: You killed him! I was too late!
M'Ola: Actually, we did it hours ago. What took you so long?
Franklin: I would have been here quicker, but as soon as I started running, "Chariots of Fire" started playing and I had to run in slow motion.

Franklin: It doesn't seem fair. He was so young, and now he's gone.
Sinclair: He may be gone, but he won't be forgotten. Are you going to be all right?
Franklin: Yeah, I think so. Good night, Commander.
Sinclair: Good bye, Richard.
(The station spins at Solemn Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on May 27, 2004.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.

All material © 2004, Steven Maguire.