Five-Minute "A Late Delivery from Avalon"
by Nan and Sa'ar Chasm

Ivanova: An Earth ship that isn't trying to invade us. There's a sight for sore eyes.
Sheridan: They'll help us pay the bills. Now all we need to worry about is defense...
Ivanova: Maybe if we built a giant wooden Death Star...
Sheridan: Yeah!
Ivanova: On second thought, let's not do that. It's silly.
Sheridan: I think I can see the general theme this fiver is going to take.

Garibaldi: I really think you guys should stop using those little tickets that hang off the doorknob.
Mail Guy: Why?
Garibaldi: Because nobody on the station has a doorknob.
Mail Guy: Just for that, this package now costs a hundred credits.
Garibaldi: That's extortion!
Mail Guy: No, that's capitalism.
Garibaldi: Philistine.

Arthur: See Arthur. See Arthur run. Run, Arthur, run.
Sword: Ahem.
Arthur: Is this a dagger I see before me?
Sword: No, genius, I'm a broadsword. Actually, I'm a metaphor for your pain, but close enough.
Arthur: A shiny metaphor.

Alarms: Blee-deep! Blee-deep!
Marcus: Sir, you can't carry a sword in here.
Arthur: I am Arthur, King of the Britons!
Marcus: Put the sword down.
Arthur: You can have it when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.
Marcus: Look, we've got a lovely shrubbery over here...
Arthur: Ni!
Marcus: I was afraid you'd say that.

Sheridan: What if he is the real Arthur? What if the Vorlons preserved him like they did Jack the Ripper?
Marcus: Only one way to tell for sure.
Sheridan: What's that?
Marcus: Search him for coconuts.

Arthur: Pardon me, Dennis...
Old Woman: I'm not Dennis, I'm an old woman.
Arthur: Sorry. What troubles you?
Old Woman: (sniffle) They stole my shrubbery.
Arthur: I'll cut them down like herring.
Old Woman: Don't you mean "with a herring"?
Arthur: Shut up.

Arthur: Halt, ruffian! I am Arthur, King of the Britons!
Ruffian: You're a loony.
Arthur: Return the shrubbery of yonder old woman!
Ruffian: Right, I've had enough. Lunatic stew, coming up. (They fight) Help! Help! I'm being repressed!
Arthur: I am invincible!
(More ruffians arrive)
Arthur: Ah. Now we see the violence inherent in the system.
G'Kar: CHAAARRRGE! Runnin' away, are you? It's just a flesh wound!

Arthur: Now we feast on the food of the victors: Spam-flavoured spoo.
G'Kar: Lovely Spam!
Arthur: Wonderful Spam! And now, my valiant ally, I dub thee Sir G'Kar
G'Kar: I'm honoured. We Narns have our own chivalric tradition.
Arthur: Oo, sorry about that. Good thing you Narns don't have ears.
G'Kar: How do you think we lost them in the first place?

Garibaldi: Okay, Michael, be vewwy, vewwy quiet....
Mail Guy: Halt! Who goes there?
Garibaldi: Uhh...(knock knock knock) Janitor?
Mail Guy: Don't be absurd. The janitor only knocks twice.

Arthur: Did I ever tell you about the worst moment of my life?
G'Kar: (Hic) Nope.
Arthur: It was a terrible misunderstanding. Two sides met on the fields of Camlann. One gunnery sergeant fired a missile at an adder, and it all disintegrated into horrible bloodshed. Then one side mysteriously surrendered to the other with no explanation.
G'Kar: This (hic) sounds familiar.

Sheridan: Delegates from the League of Nonaligned Worlds, as you know Babylon 5 cannot defend itself now that we have broken away from Earth. In order to continue trading here, each of your governments must provide one ship.
Delegate: Sounds reasonable.
Sheridan: Armed with cream pies.
Delegate: Can we get back to you on that?

Franklin: He's not Arthur. He's David McIntyre, and he--
Marcus: There's always someone named David. We're up to our ears in Davids. I'm sorry, continue.
Franklin: As I was saying, his name is David McIntyre and he was Gunnery Sergeant on the Prometheus.
Marcus: Yeah... uh, how about we keep this little revelation under wraps for a bit?
Franklin: You're no fun.

Arthur: We must go... to Camelot!
G'Kar: Camelot!
Marcus: Camelot!
Franklin: You're not going to sing, are you?
Arthur: I might. What do you plan to do to stop me?
Franklin: Make you watch "In the Beginning."
Arthur: Ooo, I'm trembling.
Franklin: And explain how all of it was your fault. ...Hello? Are you listening to me? Great, just great -- he's gone catatonic.
Marcus: At least he's not singing.

Ivanova: Good news, Captain. The League has agreed to provide your pie.
Sheridan: Woo-hoo!
Ivanova: But we still don't know what to do about Arthur. David. Whathisname.
>>Sheridan: (ironic) And there was much rejoicing.
Ivanova: (subdued) Yaaaayyy...<<

Marcus: Well, this is just dandy, Stephen. You pushed King Arthur over the edge.
Franklin: Short trip. I wonder why he came here.
Marcus: Maybe to have his burden of pain lifted by an attractive brunette to whom he has an as-yet unknown connection.
Franklin: How many brunettes do we have on station?
Marcus: Two.
Franklin: Damn. Maybe it was something else.
Marcus: I'm getting Delenn. Call me if you think of something.

Delenn: By taking Excalibur, I release you from your pain.
McIntyre: Thank you, I--what are you doing with my sword?
Delenn: Oh, I have potential uses for this thing. Many potential uses.

Garibaldi: All right, you parasite, I'll pay your 100 credits.
Mail Guy: Of course you will.
Garibaldi: And I'll also fine you 101 credits under Station Regulation 104/c: Being A Bloody Nuisance.
Mail Guy: That's capitalism!
Garibaldi: No, it's extortion.
Mail Guy: Philistine.

G'Kar: We'll send McIntyre to Narn to help fight the Centauri. He'll like it there. It's a nice planet.
Sheridan: It's only a CGI model.
Ivanova: Shh!
G'Kar: Could we send Delenn, Warrior Princess as well?
Sheridan: Of course not. That leather bustier doesn't leave the station. Not while I'm captain. Heh heh heh.

Marcus: I just thought of something -- the best Arthurian analogue for Sheridan is Guinevere.
Franklin: That has ramifications far beyond what I'd like to consider.
Marcus: Especially since the legend ends with everyone dead or in a convent.
Franklin: Damn Sheridan and his mistresses!
(The station spins at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on October 4, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Babylonian Productions. I doubt they'll mind, but if they do, I'll just sic Alexander the Great on 'em.

All material © 2003, Nan the Mysterious Romulan and Steven Maguire.