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Five-Minute Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of Time

by Nate the Great

Deku Tree: Link, I'm dying. You need to go inside me and destroy the curse.
Link: How fun!

Deku Tree: Thanks for killing Gohma, but I'm still dying. Take the Kokiri Emerald and go see Zelda.

Saria: Take this ocarina.
Link: Is that the Ocarina of Time?
Saria: Sorry, it got lost in the mail. This is just a plain Fairy Ocarina.
Link: Bummer.

Kaebora Gaebora: Hi, I'm the annoying owl who will tell you stuff you already know and basically test your patience.
Link: Aiming shingshot....
Kaebora Gaebora: Hey!

Zelda: How did you get past all of the guards?
Link: Wasn't that hard. They move around in pretty predictable rectangles.
Zelda: Oh. You see that guy in there? He is Ganondorf, King of Thieves.
Link: So he's the bad guy?
Zelda: Yep. You need to get the other two spiritual stones so we can protect the Triforce.
Link: Sure. By the way, is that Mario in the window?
Zelda: Of course not! Hyrule doesn't have any video games!
Link: So who is that?
Zelda: Umm...that's my...you should go now!

Malon: Hi Link! When you grow up you can have Epona! By the way, I'm another female character, so of course, I need to flirt with you.
Link: Sounds good to me. Hey, didn't I marry you in a previous game?
Malon: Shhhh! This is the first game chronologically, remember?
Link: Oh, right, sorry.

Darunia: Here's the Goron Ruby. Want a big hug?
Link: Maybe later.

Ruto: Here's the Zora Sapphire. By the way, we're engaged.
Link: Lucky me.

Zelda: Here's the Ocarina of Time! Gotta go now!
Ganondorf: Where's Zelda?
Link: Bite me!
Ganondorf: Very cute.

Navi: It's the Master Sword!
Ganondorf: Ha ha! You led me right into the Spiritual Realm!
Link: Bummer.

Rauru: It's been seven years. Even though it's your fault Ganondorf took over the world, we still want you to save it. Now you get to collect Medallions!
Link: Lucky me.
Rauru: I'm one of the six Sages. Here's the Light Medallion.

Shiek: I'm going to teach you a song to warp to every Temple.
Link: Who are you?
Shiek: I'll tell you later.

Shiek: You have all of the Medallions. You, me, and Ganondorf each have one part of the Triforce. By the way, I'm really Zelda in disguise!
Ganondorf: Now I've got you!
Zelda: Drat.
Link: Bummer.

Rauru: Here's a rainbow bridge to get to Ganon's castle.
Navi: Ohhh, pretty!

Link: Eat Light Arrow!
Ganondorf: Ack!
Zelda: Now we need to get down before the tower collapses!
Link: This is not my day.

Ganon: Now you die!
Link: I think not. Eat supercharged Master Sword!
Ganon: Ack!
Zelda: Time to seal him away. Now you can go home, to your original time.
Link: Umm, can we talk about....


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This fiver was originally published on December 12, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: Well excuuuuuuuse me, Princess.

All material © 2001, Nathaniel G. Topliff.