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Five-Minute Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

by Draknek

Link: Lalalalala.....
Skullkid: Boo!
Link: Arg!

Link: Can I chase after you pointlessly in an effort to get my stuff back?
Skullkid: Be my guest. But only if I can turn you into a harmless little plant.
Link: Deal!

Link: So who are you?
Mask Guy: Iím just a nobody who appears a total of once more in this game. Plus, I get to send you on the main quest.
Link: I got a quest! Get my stuff back!
Mask Guy: Tough luck. Save the world too.
Link: Rats. So, can I have that Mario mask?
Mask Guy: No. Why do Nintendo have to put these cheap references in?

Bombers: Hi.
Link: Bombs already! Cool!
Bombers: Nope, thatís just our name. We just play hide and seek.
Link: Damn.
Bombers: Do you want to....
Link: Why do I get all the boring jobs?

Skullkid: Howíd you get up here so quickly?
Link: We missed some of the minor characters.
Skullkid: I guess that means you have to kill me now.
Link: Or I could blow bubbles at you and try to knock my Ocarina out of your pocket.
Skullkid: Take your pick.

Zelda: Well done.
Link: What, I beat the game?
Zelda: Nope, you got your Ocarina back. Now go back in time.
Link: What is it with people bossing me around?

Mask Guy: Hereís a charming song to turn you back into a human.
Link: How does that work?
Mask Guy: Shut up and save the world.

Koume: Find Kotake.
Kotake: Find Koume.
Link: Find each other.

Monkey: Fetch me a banana!
Link: These side quests are annoying me. Iím off to the first level.
Monkey: Save the Princess while youíre there.

Ocarina: Lalalala....
Temple: Hi!

Odolwa: Yah!
Link: A big guy with a mask. Now Iím scared.
Flies: Hi!
Link: Get away from me! (chop)

Guardian: Have a song.
Link: I thought you talked weird, so only Tatl could understand you.
Guardian: Iím too lazy to keep doing that.
Link: That works. Iím too lazy to keep listening to it.

Princess: You saved me!
Link: Youíre not gonna be another Ruto, are you?
Princess: No.
Link: Good, Iíll put you in this bottle.

Darmani: Iím dead.
Link: Make your offer.
Darmani: Kill my ghost off as well and take my face.
Link: Suits me!

Elder: Youíre dead.
Link/Darmani: In a way.
Elder: Youíre spooking me. Go look after my son.

Ocarina: Lalalalalala....
Giant Goron: Bye!

Goht: (running running running)
Link/Darmani: (chasing chasing chasing)
Goht: Dammit.

Romani: Hi Grasshopper!
Grasshopper: You do know thatís the hero over there, donít you?
Romani: Save the farm.
Grasshopper: Ummmmmm...

Ghosts: Stealing, stealing, stealing all the cows....
Link: (chop)
Cremia: Have a horse.

Mikau: Iím dying.
Link: (chop) You certainly are.

Professor: Find the eggs.
Link/Mikau: Righto.

Ocarina: Lalalalala....
Turtle: Hi!

Gyorg: Blurble.
Link: (chop)

Skeleton captain: Race me.
Link: Thatís boring. How about I race you, kill you and then steal your treasure?
Skeleton: Now why didnít I think of that?

Ghost: My brother killed me.
Link: I donít believe you.
Ghost: Iím dead arenít I?
Link: Hand over the song.

Ghost: I killed my brother.
Link: I canít hear you....
Ocarina: Lalalala....
Ghost: Crap.

Skeleton King: Off, my minions!
Link: (chop)
Skeleton King: Die, Hero!
Link: (chop)
Skeleton King: Have a song.

Twinmold: Ha! We big, you small!
Link: Nope. I got this mask on the way. (chop)

Skullkid: Back for more?
Link: No, I wanted to perform this song for my dear friend.
Skullkid: Awww, how sweet.
Ocarina: Lalalalala....
Guardians: Hi.
Skullkid: Crap.

Moon: Iím coming!
Guardians: No youíre not!
Majoraís Mask: Iím going!
Link: Bye! I mean, no youíre not!

Majoraís Mask: Hehe.
Link: (chop)
Majoraís Incarnation: Hehe.
Link: (chop)
Majoraís Wrath: Hehe.
Link: (chop)
Majoraís Corpse: Bye!

Cutscene: Everyoneís happy, the end.
Link: So what now?
Tatl: Nothing.
Link: What about the other Zelda games?
Tatl: Nintendo said that was a different Link.
Link: But Iím bored! Lemme outta here!
Tatl: Never!
(Link chases Tatl at Ludicrous Speed)


Got a comment on this guest fiver? Contact the author, Draknek.

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This fiver was originally published on June 9, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: Well excuuuuuuuse me, Princess.

All material © 2001, Draknek.