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Five-Minute Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening

by IJD GAF

Mariner's Log: Okay, so I probably don't make mariner's log entries, but hey -- I won't have a ship much longer, so this bit of creative license can't get TOO suffocating....

Lightning: KA-BOOM!
Ship: CRACK!
Link: See? GASP!

Marin: As I walk through the island in the shadow of egg, I take a look at the ground, and find a washed up dreg....
Link: Stop that lameness or I'll wake up from this coma prematurel-- aw, crap.

Link: Zelda?
Marin: Nope, she's not in this one. I'm Marin, and this is your first -- but certainly not last -- adventure in a non-Hyrule world.
Link: So I have to start from scratch a third time?
Tarin: Hey, neither of you are being chronological! Besides, I've got a shield here for ya....
Link: Oh, big help there. Thanks a lot, tubby.

Link: Well it appears shields are useful...but only on beaches for getting swords blocked off by sea urchins.
Owl: Greetings, Link. I am annoying and not terribly helpful. Go North.
Link: Aw, thanks...like there's anywhere else I can go with just a sword and a shield.
Owl: Hey, as long as you don't have any projectile weapons, my hide is safe! Oh, I should probably give you a little island back story while I'm at it...see that egg? The Wind Fish lives there.
Link: Eh?
Owl: Don't worry about it. See ya!

Link: Well I have magic powder, but what the hell does it do?
Raccoon: My nose is very sensitive to powder....
Link: Here ya go, Mr. Obvious.
(POOF!)
Tarin: Wow, it was really me all along. Whatever kid, go get the Tail Key up ahead and leave me and my hallucinogenic mushrooms alone....

Link: Woo hoo, this first dungeon is a breeze! I can even jump now with this Roc's feather...no, I don't know how that works either.
Moldorm: Muah!
Link: Chop!
Moldorm: Ow...GAK!
Link: Geez, even the boss is easy.
Owl: Not "boss," "nightmare."
Link: Whatever....
Owl: While you're here, I may as well tell you that that cello over there is one of eight instruments necessary to wake the Wind Fish.
Link: Why would I want to do that?
Owl: Eh, I'll tell you later, kid.

Madame MeowMeow: Help, help! Moblins stole my precious BowWow!
Link: Aw, itís this early and already a side quest?
MeowMeow: Nah, you need him to get into the next dungeon.
Link: That's blackmail!
MeowMeow: Meh.

Big Moblin: You think that you can destroy me, but it is I who will destroy you....
Link: Whatever...stab!
Big Moblin: AIIEEE!
Link: Let's get going, mutt.
BowWow: Ruff!

Genie: Hee hee, you can't hurt me as long as I have my bottle!
Link: Geez, you're like...really hard for just the second bos-- er, nightmare.
Genie: Psst -- all you have to do is break my bottle and bludgeon me to death.
Link: Oh, right...like this?
Genie: Hey, that's it! GAK!

Richard: I am Richard. My French-ness is implied by my amazing frog collection.
Link: Oookay.
Richard: I lost my castle, and need you to help me retrieve its five golden leaves.
Link: Lemme guess, you surrendered....
Richard: With comments like that, I shouldn't give you the key to the next level....
Link: Argghh...you win.

Link: Zoinks, what a creepy castle, gang.
Assorted Bad Guys: GRAARRGHH!
Link: Hmm...I think I'll pass on unmasking the villain here, get my leaves, and be off then.
Assorted Bad Guys: Stupid meddling kid....

Link: I spy something....
Slime Eyes: Boo!
Link: Hmm, this may not be the time for bad puns. Chop!

Link: Ah...two levels later, I should get something for getting this far.
Owl: Here, have a picture of the Wind Fish.
Link: Oh, like that's helpful. What's so important about him, anyway?
Owl: (singing) He ain't heavy...he's my brothaaahhh....
Link: As if you weren't annoying enough already.

Link: At last, the final level....
Hot Head: And it wouldn't be complete without another nightmare with a cheesy name.
Link: Chop!
Hot Head: That ain't gonna cut it, kid. Try "Zap!"
Link: Zap?
Hot Head: GAK!
Link: Methinks it may be time to switch catch phrases....

Link: Are you the Wind Fish?
Shadow: Stupid kid, I'm the final boss! Did you really think you'd get away without meeting me?
Link: Hmm, good point. Have any weaknesses?
Shadow: Stupid kid, I'm the final boss! Did you really think you'd get away without beating me?
Link: An even better point. Sprinkle, chop, beam, sprint, zap, hop!
Shadow: Stupid kid, I'm-- GAK!
Link: Good for you.

Link: Are you the Wind Fish?
Wind Fish: Bleeeet!
Link: Is that a yes?
Wind Fish: Bleeeet!
Link: Is this whole island really just a dream?
Wind Fish: Bleeeet!
Link: Am I destined to float here in the ocean until needed for a sequel?
Wind Fish: Bleeeet!
Link: Hmm, this could be a while....
(Link drifts on at a not-so-Ludicrous Speed)

THE END

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This fiver was originally published on August 4, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: Well excuuuuuuuse me, Princess.

All material © 2002, IJD GAF.