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Five-Minute Legend of Zelda

by Derek Dean

Ganon: Oo! The Triforce of Power! I'll take that, if you don't mind.
Zelda: Actually, I do. And I think I'll hide the Triforce of Wisdom before you grab hold of it.
Ganon: So, um, where's the Triforce of Courage?
Zelda: The what?
Ganon: You're not fooling me; it's not called a Triforce for nothing.
Zelda: Seriously, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Old Man: It is dangerous to go alone! Take this.
Link: A wooden sword? What am I supposed to do with this, splinter my enemies to death?
Old Man: Fine, I'll give you a choice: you can either have a wooden sword or take Chakotay along with you.
Link: The sword it is.

Link: This level is easy! I guess that's why it's level one.
Goriyas: GAK! Here, take one of our wooden boomerangs.
Link: What is everyone's fascination with wood?
Aquamentus: Ah, now you're getting to the heart of the matter.
Link: Don't make me hurt you.
Aquamentus: Actually you're supposed to. I'm the boss.
Link: Good point.

Link: Woohoo! Level two! Hey, that rhymed!
Goriyas: I can't believe I'm losing to you. Just take your magical boomerang and leave.
Link: Thanks, I will.
Dodongo: Roar!
Link: I'm fighting a Triceratops? What are you, some Jurassic Park IV reject?
Dodongo: There's no way I'd be in a movie that certain of bombing.
Link: Speaking of bombs, would you mind swallowing a few?
Dodongo: Not at all. (BOOM)

Manhandla: GAK!
Link: Hey, I've got three pieces of the Triforce. That should be all of them, right?
Link: I'll take the silence as a confirmation.
Silence: Sigh. In that case, no, keep going.

Old Man: Master using it and you can have this.
Link: White sword? What sort of "white" is this sword made of?
Old Man: Concrete.
Link: Great. Now I can scrape my enemies to death.

Vendor: Boy, this is really expensive!
Link: I haven't bought anything yet!
Vendor: You're right, you're right. What do you want?
Link: How about the Blue Ring?
Vendor: That costs 250 coins.
Link: Boy, this is really expensive!

Gleeok: Mwahahaha! You must beat me to get a piece of the Triforce!
Link: You've got two heads. Shouldn't you be named Hydra?
Gleeok: My heads don't grow back.
Link: Sucks to be you then.

Digdogger: Ha ha! You can't hurt me!
Link's Flute: Toot toot toot!
Digdogger: AAAA! The Mario 3 Warp Whistle Sound! The pain, the pain!
Link: Um, this game was made before Mario 3....
Digdogger: I don't care! It hurts! It hurts! Make it stop hurting!
Link: No problem. (Chop!)

Old Man: Master using it and you can have this.
Link: The Master sword -- now that's what I'm talking about. What's it made of?
Old Man: Leola root.
Link: Heh. They don't stand a chance.

Gohma: Yeah, I'd like to see you kill me. I'm pratically invulnerable.
Link: Maybe if I sneak up behind you....
Gohma: Won't work, I've got an eye in the back of my head.
Link: (readying bow) Really? Where?
Gohma: Right here. Ow! GAK!
Link: Heheh. Sucker.

Aquamentus: All right. Rematch time. Let's see you beat me now!
Link: Are you serious? You weren't a threat in Level One, and you certainly aren't now.
Aquamentus: Crap.

Gleeok: I want a rematch too. And this time I have four heads!
Link: Well, I suppose four heads are better than two. But not enough.
Gleeok: GAK!
Link: Now I have all the pieces of the Triforce of Wisdom. Go me!

Link: Alright, Ganon. It is down to you, and it is down to me.
Ganon: Yeah, let's see you try to hurt me -- OW!
Link: You're not an especially hard villain. Those blue Darknuts are impossible.
Ganon: Hey, at least I'm a recurring adversary.
Link: I'm sure I'll care later... and earlier. Stupid prequels.

Zelda: Thanks for saving me, Link. Wanna do it again?
Link: Uh....
Zelda: And this time it will be harder and you'll have to try to put the Triforce of Wisdom together again and everything.
Link: Why can't we just be happy with the win I just got?
Zelda: Well, if it makes you feel better, you can pretend you're getting the Triforce of Courage.
Link: But I won't in reality.
Zelda: No.
Link: Crap.
(The entire game inexplicably happens again at Ludicrous Speed, and then it's over)


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This fiver was originally published on September 13, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: Well excuuuuuuuse me, Princess.

All material © 2003, Derek Dean.