PROPOSED STARSHIP EXCELSIOR VIGNETTE - BOXING DAY 2022

"Everything In Its Place"

by Colin Hayman

(Dovan's ready room. He and Lohr-- Lhor-- the other guy are both staring anxiously at their PADDs.)

DOVAN Captain's Log: Comms have picked up what appears to be a highly secure military report from a bluegill scout ship to its superiors. We're trying to decode it, but it's putting up a good fight so far. With any luck, that means it's important. ...Oh, uh, I guess this is a classified log. If you listened this far and don't know what the Sword of Damocles is, go get one of those Pulaski memory wipes. LORHROK Once in a while I wonder if our security measures are quite what they could be. DOVAN No worries, just don't tell Yubari. ...Come to think of it, I haven't even seen her today, have you? LORHROK There's apparently some Earth holiday called "Boxing Day" going on. She's been going door to door looking for people to fight. I got away just in time. You know, I try to be open and accepting like a Starfleet officer should, but I'm really going to miss some of the people she killed today. DOVAN Excuse me? That's not how Boxing Day works! How did she even make that mistake? LORHROK Xenosociology has never been one of my strong suits, sir. How is Boxing Day supposed to work? DOVAN This is what happens when your species doesn't have the sense to speak Esperanto like everybody else. "Boxing" means a bunch of different things on Earth. The one that applies in this case has to do with putting things in boxes. You basically take everything in your life and box it up properly, everything where it should be. Then, if I understand correctly, you sell some of it at half price and shoot a bunch of arrows at the first buyer. LORHROK I'm glad I have you to explain these things to me, sir. I've never understood humans, and I can see that today won't be the day I start. DOVAN Sometimes it's worth the effort! I think this Boxing Day has a lot to recommend it. The first part, anyway. How much simpler would our lives be if we could just compartmentalize properly? ...Wait, I just remembered who I'm talking to. Your quarters are practically a warehouse. LORHROK Frankly, I've been slacking for a while now. Some of the boxes should be in bigger boxes by now. And I'm months late updating the card catalogue. DOVAN Other things need boxing, though! This holiday isn't just physical, it's philosophical. All the real clutter is in your head. This is a day to put all your ideas and memories in the compartments they belong in. Over here, your day-to-day conversation material. Over there, the classified stuff you're not supposed to know and can't tell anyone about until they learn the secret handshake. In this corner, your memories of horrible but necessary steps you've taken to save the galaxy. Way in back, that incredibly illegal act of playing God that you haven't even really checked up on the consequences of yet. And then there's Scene 2F. That's seven boxes deep and buried under the floorboards, even though on some level, you know it's the truest and most important thing you've ever -- you know what? Just forget you heard any part of that after "handshake". LORHROK Right-o. COMPUTER [V.O.] Key on bluegill cipher broken. Data now being transmitted to authorized PADDs. DOVAN It's about time. This could change everything. What if they know we know? What if the Borg know that we know they know we know? Oh man, I'm afraid to look. You read it. LORHROK (blink) Not exactly what I was expecting. DOVAN Go on... LORHROK Sir, apparently the bluegill transmission just says "Read the first letter of each line."