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Five-Minute "The Voyager Conspiracy"

by Heiwa

Seven: Naomi Wildman. What are you doing here?
Naomi: Useless filler scene. What's that thing you're carrying?
Seven: It is a Borg plot device. It will allow me to assimilate Voyager.
Naomi: What?
Seven: I meant, to assimilate Voyager's database. Heh, heh.
Naomi: Cool. Can I try it?
Seven: No, it's my toy.

Janeway: Did you hear the rumor that half of Deck 5 was pregnant?
Chakotay: Tom Paris sure gets around.

Torres: Captain, Seven is throwing a Borg hissyfit. She says we've got a problem.
Janeway: Oh? What's wrong?
Seven: Neelix has given the ship fleas.
Janeway: Again?

Kim: Captain, we're being hailed by a strange apparatus.
Tash: (over the comm) I'm having problems with my strange apparatus!
Janeway: Tough break. We'll just be getting out of here before it blows up and scatters you into a million pieces...uh, Mr. Paris, warp 9.
Chakotay: Just out of curiosity, what does your device do?
Tash: It catapults a ship, like, lots of light years through space!
Janeway: Oh, did I say we were getting out of here? I meant we'd love to help you!

Chakotay: Your device sounds interesting, Mr. Tash. Why did you build it?
Tash: To catapult myself back home!
Chakotay: Wow, wish we'd thought of that.

Tash: Why are you scanning me? Is this any way to treat someone who is trying to hurl you 5000 light years closer to home?
Janeway: We like making enemies in the Delta Quadrant. And your weapons are weaker than ours.

Seven: Computer, show me sensor data of Voyager blowing up the Caretaker's Array.
Computer: Display complete.
Seven: Computer, is that a tractor beam?
Computer: Insufficient data.
Seven: I think a conspiracy is afoot!
Computer: I think you're right!

Seven: Tuvok, why did you use a yield of twenty thousand teracochranes? Half that yield would have been sufficient.
Paris: Well, Tuvok, it was only a matter of time before Seven of Know-It-All here decided she was better qualified to do your job than you were.
Tuvok: Indeed.

Seven: Neelix, I need information.
Neelix: I don't know how those fleas got here! I swear I took a bath!
Seven: I believe Mr. Tash's catapult got its technology from the Caretaker's Array.
Neelix: I don't see how your idea could be even remotely possible. Therefore, I'm fascinated by it!
Seven: I also believe a cloaked vessel from the Alpha Quadrant killed Jimmy Hoffa and stole a doohickey from the Caretaker's Array. I also believe that Elvis is still alive, and that the Ferengi built Stonehenge.
Neelix: Wow, Kes believed all those same things!

Tash: Bye bye, Captain! I'm about to test out my catapult, to see whether or not I'll survive the trip!
Janeway: Better you than us! Good luck not dying!

Seven: (over the comm) Chakotay, report to Astrometics now.
Chakotay: Since when does she outrank me?
Janeway: Are you kidding? Even Naomi Wildman outranks you.

Seven: Captain Janeway is part of a vast right-wing conspiracy to conquer the Delta Quadrant.
Chakotay: I don't believe it.
Seven: Look here, I have weak evidence to support my slanderous accusations.
Chakotay: Wow, I believe you now! Grr! I'll make Janeway pay for this!

Tash: Hey, guess what! I didn't die! My device works!
Janeway: O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
Tash: I leave my catapult in your capable hands, Captain.
Janeway: We can't let the Kazon get their hands on it! Tuvok, target the catapult with tricobalt devices.
Everyone: Captain, NO!
Janeway: Ha. Kidding!

Seven: Chakotay is trying to start a Maquis rebellion.
Janeway: That's ridiculous! There is no one on this ship I trust more than Chakotay. Nothing you can say will make me lose confidence in him!
Seven: Listen while I rattle off stardates in a weak attempt to sound convincing.
Janeway: That backstabbing little Maquis swine! I'll hang him by his thumbs!

Naomi: Hi, Seven.
Seven: You little Ktarian spawn! Who are you working for, Chakotay or the captain? Either way, you're too late! Tell them they'll fail! I know they killed JFK!
Naomi: Geez, someone woke up on the wrong side of the alcove....

Janeway: What are you doing in the cargo bay? Are you trying to destroy evidence? Why are you wearing a phaser?
Chakotay: Because Seven told me all about your secret mission!
Janeway: She told me all about yours too!
Chakotay: Boy, she's not good at keeping secrets, is she?

Kim: Seven has stolen the Delta Flyer!
Janeway: Sure, why not? Everyone else does.

Seven: Hey, I stole this shuttle fair and square. Get your own!
Janeway: Seven, you're seriously screwed up. Come back home; the Doctor will give you a nice lollipop and some Prozac.
Seven: NO! I know you are after me! You want Starfleet to dissect me!
Janeway: It would make for an interesting paper. But no, I kid, I kid. Listen as I quote stardates leading up to yet another "touching" mother/daughter bonding scene.
Seven: Oh metaphorical mommy, I am sorry I ever doubted you!
Janeway: Aww, it's okay. But for stealing the Delta Flyer, you have to go to your alcove without supper.

Captain's Log: Blah blah blah. That catapult thing threw us a long way closer to home! Boy, were we lucky to run across it! Too bad we can't build any more, apparently we forgot to ask for the technical specifications!

Naomi: Hi, Seven. Even though you were a total jerk to me, I decided to come by and chit chat with you.
Seven: What must I do to be rid of you?

Janeway: I heard a rumor that the captain and first officer lost all confidence in each other merely because a former Borg drone threw around some truly lame conspiracy theories.
Chakotay: I won't ever lose confidence in you, Kathryn. At least, not until the next time.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on August 11, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Heiwa.