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Five-Minute "Lineage"

by Zeke

Torres: What a great day!
Paris: I'll say. Hope this doesn't become one of your angst episodes.

Torres: Good morni--AAAAGH!
Icheb: Oh no, she's got a parasite!
Seven: "Nothing Human" was two seasons ago, you dipstick.

Doc: Congratulations: B'Elanna's pregnant!
Paris: Cool! But this better not turn out like the last time I had kids.
Torres: Must you keep bringing that up?

Neelix: Can I be godfather?
Paris: Do you know what that's about?
Neelix: Of course! I've watched the whole trilogy. Trust me, this is an offer you can't refuse.

Kim: Congrats, Tom! Too bad our friendship is now doomed.
Paris: Um, thanks.

Paris: Got any advice about parenting?
Tuvok: You may find that having is not so pleasing a thing as wanting. It is not logical but it is often true.
Paris: Um, Tuvok...I think you're confusing yourself with Spock again.
Tuvok: Fascinating.

Doc: Bad news. You'll need minor surgery to fix the baby's--
Torres: Yeah, whatever. If you'll excuse me, those forehead ridges are inciting a flashback....

John Torres: Go play with those other kids, 12-year-old version of B'Elanna.
Torres: But they don't like me, unpleasant memory of my dad!
John: Sure they do. And if not, a little emotional trauma won't hurt you.

Kid 1: Have a worm, B'Elanna!
Kid 2: Well, now you've done it. We appear on the show for the only time ever, and you cheese off a major character and make us look like brats.
Kid 1: We
are brats, though.
Kid 2: Point.

Torres: Computer, make these adjustments to my holographic baby....
Computer: That didn't work too well for Janeway in "Fair Haven," you know.
Torres: Don't remind me.

Doc: Alter your baby? Over my decompiled holomatrix!
Torres: Don't go putting ideas in my head.
Doc: Same to you.

Paris: Alter our baby? That's a horrible idea! What if she turns out like those freaks from "Statistical Probabilities"?
Torres: I don't watch Deep Space Nine.
Paris: Well, they were freaks. Trust me.

Torres: Jerk!
Paris: Monster!
Torres: Sleazeball!
Paris: Lunatic!
Janeway: Will you two get out of my office?

Paris: Do you think it'd be all right if I could just crash here tonight?
Kim: Do you snore?
Paris: Do you?
Kim: Fine, you win.

John: Don't let those other brats get to you, honey. You're fine just the way you are.
Torres: Then why did you make all those nasty comments about Klingons?
John: That's next scene.
Torres: Oh. Sorry.

John: I'm telling you, Carl--
Carl: Let me guess: you don't like Klingons?
John: You heard B'Elanna last scene, didn't you?
Carl: Uh-huh.

Doc: Guys, I was completely wrong. We should mess with the baby.
Torres: That's terrible news! I'm devastated! Shock! Horror! When can we start?

Icheb: These genetic scans are bogus.
Seven: B'Elanna must have reprogrammed the Doctor!
Paris: How can you be so sure?
Seven: She showed me how to do it. It's a useful skill.
Paris: Oo, teach me -- he's giving a concert tomorrow.

Paris: Tuvok, meet me in sickbay!
Tuvok: (over the comm) Since when do I take orders from you?
Paris: I'll obey you in your episodes and you obey me in mine, okay?

Tuvok: Stop, Doctor! B'Elanna's messed with your program!
Doc: And she couldn't have added hair while she was at it?

Paris: How could you, B'Elanna?
Torres: It wasn't hard. He's coded in FORTRAN.
Paris: I meant morally.
Torres: Oh, that. Watch the next flashback and see.

Torres: Screw off!
John: You got it.

Torres: See? It was my fault he left.
Paris: Well, I will never leave you.
Torres: Really?
Paris: Really.
Torres: Really really?
Paris: Yes.
Torres: Cool.

Doc: Done with the angst yet?
Torres: Yep. Can I see the baby again? It's cute.
Doc: Are you kidding? It's uglier than a Pakled's behind!
Torres: Yeah, I know.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on March 9, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.