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Five-Minute "Good Shepherd"

by J. D. Curran

Janeway: Chakotay, run a level-3 diagnostic.
Chakotay: Kim, run a level-3 diagnostic.
Kim: Torres, run a level-3 diagnostic.
Torres: Harren, run a level-3 diagnostic.
Harren: Janeway, run a level-3 diagnostic.
Janeway: See, this is why I never delegate.

Billy: I'm sick! Whaaa!
Celes: I'm inept! Whaaa!
Billy: Is this all we get for character development?
Celes: Don't complain; it's more than Harry's gotten in six years.

Seven: All our problems are caused by three guys.
Janeway: Then I'll take them all on one away mission.
Tuvok: And maroon them? Excellent thinking, Captain.
Janeway: No, I'll nurture them to be perfect members of my crew.
Tuvok: That was my second guess.

Billy: I can't go, I'm sick!
Celes: I can't go, I'm inept!
Janeway: Tough. And what's Harren's excuse?
Celes: Uh...he blew off this meeting.
Janeway: At least there's hope for one of you.

Crewman: Welcome to Voyager's basement, Captain.
Janeway: Do people get lost here?
Spinal Tap: Hello, Cleveland! Hello, Cleveland! Oh, bollocks...
Crewman: All the time.

Harren: Gee, I'd love to go, Captain. There's just one teensy little thing...
Janeway: Which is?
Harren: Your brain! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Janeway: You're insubordinate. I like that.

Janeway: Here's the final mission briefing.
Billy, Celes, Harren: Piss, whine, moan, complain.
Seven: Why bother, Captain? They're losers.
Janeway: Well, Seven, it has to do with the fable of the Good Shepherd--
Seven: Whoa. Is this some lame folk tale? Isn't this Chakotay's hallmark?
Janeway: Okay, it has to do with a 19th-century novel--
Seven: Never mind, please.

Paris: Harren, be my friend.
Harren: No. I've got a bigger brain and more education than you.
Paris: I've got a girlfriend.
Harren: Then I've got bigger finger callouses than you, too.

Billy: Please, Doc! TREAT ME!
Doc: To do that, I'd have to be near you. Surely you see my dilemma?

Janeway: Joy! We're suddenly on our mission.
Harren: How long do we have to stay out here?
Janeway: It's a three-hour tour.
Billy and Celes: (singing) A three-hour tour!
Harren: That's what she said before we went into the Badlands six years ago. Lovely.

Janeway: So what's your story?
Harren: I'm unbearable. Wanna know more?
Janeway: No, thanks. I prefer my co-stars to be one-dimensional.

Janeway: Something just hit us and drained our fuel.
Harren: It must be something I theorized about once.
Janeway: No, it's not.
Harren: Wha--! You--! Why'd you bring me on this mission, if all you're going to do is insult my intelligence?
Janeway: If you're going to answer your own question, why ask?

Billy: The outlook is grim. We'll all probably die.
Janeway: Not to worry. I've got another 14 minutes to pull off a happy ending.
Harren: You mean 12 minutes. UPN cut our run time to fit in more commercials, remember?
Janeway: Oh, raspberries.

Harren: You suck!
Billy: No, you suck!
Celes: Well, I suck, too!
Janeway: You all suck! Now listen: Celes, screwing up is okay, and Harren, socializing is fun. And Billy--
Billy: AAAUGH! There's a space worm inside me!
Janeway: I've just about had it with your attention-grabbing stunts, Billy.
Billy: Please, sedate me!
Janeway: No, I'd rather delight in your torment.
Billy: Gosh, are you the Janeway from "Living Witness?"

Janeway: Wanna be friends?
Harren: Nope.
Janeway: Just checking.

Billy: Hey, the space worm just jumped out of me, and my hypochondria is cured!
Janeway: Harren, why did you kill the worm?
Harren: It caused a change in a character. It's unnatural, I tell you!

Janeway: The space worms are pissed. Let's escape.
Harren: Ha! I'm already in an escape pod on an uncharacteristically noble, self-sacrificing mission!
Billy: You'll die.
Harren: It's just as well; I'd die of embarrassment if my friends ever found out how badly this mission went.
Celes: But you don't have any friends!
Harren: Hmm, good point. I'll come back. Then they can kill us all.

Doc: Was your mission a success?
Janeway: Yep!
Celes: From now on, I'll revel in my incompetence!
Harren: And I'll enjoy inflicting my personality defects on my crewmates!
Billy: And now that I'm well, I'll bring my weeniness to far more away missions!
Doc: Maybe we should qualify the word "success," Captain.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on June 6, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, David Curran.