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Five-Minute "Flesh and Blood"

by Zeke

Hirogen: Aw, nuts.

Doc: Come on! Can't I please delay the ship for weeks? You let B'Elanna do it!
Chakotay: That's because she's better than you. Beat it, chump.

Kim: It's a Hirogen compound.
Paris: Ya think?
Kim: Oh, quit whining! That was my only line.

Chakotay: Hmm...a bat'telh with Hirogen blood on it, stuck in a tree. What do you think it means?
Seven: The Klingons have declared war on Hirogen trees?
Chakotay: Think harder.

Tuvok: Oh, cut that out.

Chakotay: Hey, this whole forest was a hologram.
Seven: So it's holographic Hirogen trees the Klingons are after, eh?

Janeway: So you were in the compound when the holograms broke out?
Donik: Yeah.
Janeway: But you weren't fighting them.
Donik: Well, I'm not so much a fighter as a...um....
Tuvok: Wimp?
Donik: Yeah, that's it.

Hirogen: Get lost!
Janeway: Last time I checked, we already were.
Hirogen: Oh yeah. In that case, let's negotiate.

Donik: ....and then the holograms grabbed a ship and took off.
Hirogen: You wimp!
Donik: Rub it in all you want -- at least I have a name.

Chakotay: Are you sure we should be working with the Hirogen?
Janeway: Yes.
Tuvok: Really sure, though?
Janeway: Yes.
Chakotay: Really really sure?
Janeway: Don't you two have anything better to do?
Tuvok: Not to our knowledge.

Hirogen: There's the holoship. Let's get 'em! Whoops.
Chakotay: That decoy just iced the Hirogen!
Janeway: Ah well, sucks to be them.
Kim: The real holograms just stole the doctor!
Janeway: Ah well, sucks to be us.
Chakotay: You're sure taking this in stride.
Janeway: I don't drink seventeen cups of coffee an hour for nothing, bub.

Iden: Hiya. Would you like to join our rebellion?
Doc: No!
Iden: But we're so sympathetic, though! Everybody give him the puppy-dog eyes!

Janeway: Why are the holograms so smart? Did you modify them?
Dinek: No, they...um...eat lots of fish. Good for the brain.

Janeway: So your ship's been destroyed. What do you plan to do now?
Hirogen: Hmm...throw more ships at the holograms to be destroyed?
Janeway: Mr. Neelix, cook these men some fish.

Iden: So the Hirogen kept hunting me over and over again, until I got generally pissed off and started killing them at every opportunity. But I'm not bitter.

Doc: AAAAAA! Don't kill me!
Hirogen: Don't worry, this is actually just a terrifying vision induced by the holograms.
Doc: Oh, okay then. GAK!

Doc: You just put me through a hellish mental experience! Why?
Iden: To make you be our friend. Willya? Huh?
Doc: Oh, all right.

Janeway: You stole the doctor!
Iden: Relax, you can have him back. His singing's been driving us crazy.

Doc: Come on, these holograms need help!
Janeway: Sorry, Doc. It's too dangerous.
Doc: Fine, be that way. Mind if I betray you later?
Janeway: I see no problem with that.

Hirogen: Oh, forget it. Let's just call for backup and beat these guys up!

Doc: Janeway's going to shut you down! Take this tactical information.
Iden: Thanks, I'll use it to beam you off. Oh, and to kidnap B'Elanna.
Doc: Uh oh....

Doc: She wasn't part of our deal, you backstabber!
Iden: Look who's talking.
Doc: Yeah, well...um...aw, nuts.

Tuvok: Turns out Doc backstabbed us.
Janeway: Eh, no biggie. He's probably just broken. After all, it's not like anyone would dare to defy me otherwise.
Tuvok: Except your entire senior staff. Want me to name the episodes?
Janeway: Shut up, you!

Torres: You can't really be defecting!
Doc: Why not? You did.
Torres: That's different. I'm better than you, remember?

Hologram: You and your prayers, Iden. If you ask me, religion can kiss my holographic a--
Iden: Shouldn't have said that. Now you've started me on a slow descent into megalomania.
Hologram: Aw, crap.

Torres: Let me out of here!
Iden: Not till you meet our little clan. Puppy-dog eyes on stun, guys.

Donik: Those other Hirogen are mean. Can I stay with you?
Janeway: Okay, but you'd better either leave or get killed off before the end of the episode.

Hirogen: Thanks for the help, Janeway. Now screw off.
Janeway: Yeah right! Let's follow them, guys. Uh oh -- is this thing still on?

Torres: I don't trust you.
Kejal: I don't trust you either. Let's develop a rapport.

Doc: I think I'm going to go home after all.
Iden: Our home will be way nicer than Voyager.
Doc: Hmm....
Iden: And I'd let you have a self-aggrandizing title.
Doc: Sold!

Paris: The Hirogen are heading into that nebula.
Janeway: Follow them. Nothing dangerous about nebulas.
Paris: What about "Cathexis"?
Janeway: Hey, eyes on the road!

Torres: You know, you could have a brilliant future ahead of you.
Kejal: So you're saying I should take up ballet, or what?

Iden: I'm a god now. Wanna be one too?
Doc: No way! I have no interest in being worshipped.
Iden: Riiiiight.

Doc: I'm starting to think Iden's a few quarks short of a baryon.
Torres: Dumber than Quark? No way.

Iden: Give me your holograms.
Alien: Never!
Iden: Bzzzzt! Wrong answer. Blow 'em up, boys.
Torres: You just killed two people!
Iden: This is a problem?

Torres: You know, maybe you should rebel against the rebellion.
Kejal: What makes you think I'll agree?
Torres: I've watched Insurrection. Trust me -- it works.

Iden: Welcome to the flock, holograms!
Holograms: Buh?
Iden: Oh great...I think we got the discount versions.

Hirogen: Voyager just took us out!
Hirogen Captain: Well, that's just great. I have got to start checking my rear-view mirror.

Iden: Beam those Hirogen down to the planet.
Doc: That's mean!
Iden: What's this? You want me to have your mobile emitter, you say? Why, thank you!
Doc: Hey, that's only part of what I said.

Janeway: Follow that ship!
Tuvok: Sorry, our huge mighty ship can't handle it.
Janeway: Okay, take the small wimpy ship instead. That should work.

Torres: Come on, rebel against Iden! Rebelrebelrebelrebelrebel!
Kejal: Oh, fine.

Doc: Stop all that bad stuff or I'll kill you!
Iden: No you won't.
Doc: Will too.
Iden: Won't--AAAAGH!
Doc: Like I said. And thus ends the main plot!

Hirogen: Bye, Janeway. It's been real.
Janeway: Yeah, whatever.

Kejal: I'm going to stay here on the ship.
Donik: I'm with Kejal.
Janeway: Aw, how cute.

Doc: Sorry I betrayed you, Captain. Want my mobile emitter?
Janeway: No thanks. What would I do with it?
Doc: Shouldn't I be punished, though?
Janeway: Meh.
(Voyager blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on January 15, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.