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Five-Minute "Author, Author"

by Zeke

Narrator (Doc): This is the story of a hologram and his ego....

Admiral Paris: At last, real-time Voyager chats! Too bad they'll be so short.
Chakotay: Why not make them longer?
Janeway: You wanna foot the long-distance bill, Tattoo Boy?

Doc: Sweet! I get to make the first call home!
Kim: Oh, for Pete's sake! Some of us want our mommies here....

Publisher: I loved your novel! Captain Calhoun is so cool!
Doc: Um...that's not my novel, it's Peter David's.
Publisher: Oh. Sorry, you bald people all look the same.

Doc: Wanna try my new holonovel, Photons, Be Free?
Paris: Sure. But wouldn't a classier title be Photons, Be Not Proud?
Doc: Oh, please.

Paris: Please state the nature of the -- hey, it's me with a moustache!
Jenkins: Quick, help this man! He has a moustache!
Paris: No.
Jenkins: Will you do it if I kill that other guy?
Paris: No, but I'll be deeply resentful.
Jenkins: That's reason enough for me!

Paris: ....and then Jenkins shot him!
Torres: Sounds like a fun novel. I wanna try!
Ayala: Me too!
Paris: Shut up, minor-character scum.

Tory: You holograms are subhuman mockeries of people.
Torres: You, on the other hand, have truly awful hair.

Torres: Hey! How dare you make out in my sickbay, you adulterous mustachioed sleazebag?
Marseilles: Geez, enough about the moustache already!

Jenkins: You've been a very bad hologram, so I'm punishing you. Guards!
Tulok: Hi. You can tell I'm evil because I have a beard.
Neelix: Wonder if this counts as an Evil Tuvok episode....

3 of 8: Run, Doctor!
Kim: You idiot! You led me straight to these guards!
3 of 8: What did you expect? Three out of eight isn't very much....

Jenkins: And now you shall die, Doctor.
Janeway: Hold it! I want to use one of my lifelines.
Jenkins: This isn't Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?
Janeway: Oh. Sorry, Rege.

Doc: For the last time, my novel isn't about you! Janeway doesn't kill people, does she?
Paris: No, but you do. Remember "Latent Image"?
Doc: YEEAAGGH! Programming conflict! Sanity collapsing! NOOOOO....
Paris: I love doing that.

Mrs. Kim: You still haven't been promoted? I'm going to have a word with the writers.
Kim: Don't do it, Mom! They'll kill you off!

Doc: Hey, where's my novel?
Narrator (Paris): Hello, and welcome to the starship Voyeur. Guess what its mission is!

Doc With Hair: You suck! You really, really suck! My God, you suck! Now I'm gonna seduce this patient.
Doc: Wow, what an accurate simulation of me!

Paris: I hope you've learned your lesson.
Doc: If I get some hair, Seven will want me?
Paris: No, the other lesson. You know, "don't parody your crewmates."
Doc: Hmm...should I mention that we're in a parody? No, too self-referential.

Neelix: There's an old Talaxian saying: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Doc: Yogi Berra said that.
Neelix: Come on -- you don't really think that guy's human, do you?

Publisher: Okay, Doc, I'll wait for your revisions and be very careful not to spread your novel all over the quadrant.
Doc: Did you just twirl your moustache?
Publisher: Curses! Foiled again....

John Torres: B'Elanna...I am your father.
Torres: Hiya. Is Mom still alive?
John: Dunno, the dialogue's been ambiguous. Anyway, I'm so sorry for what I did to you....
Torres: Don't worry -- I got back at you by making this guy your son-in-law.

Admiral Paris: I just played a holonovel that made fun of your crew.
Janeway: That does it -- the bashers have finally gone too far!

Doc: Recall my novel!
Publisher: I recall it quite fondly.
Doc: You know what I mean.
Publisher: And I don't care, either.

Doc: We have to do something about this!
Janeway: Don't worry, I've got an idea. Ever watched "The Measure of a Man"?

Tuvok: Your Honour, the Doctor is much smarter than Chakotay, or even a replicator. Therefore the publisher sucks. I rest my case.
Judge: You're quite the lawyer, Tuvok.
Tuvok: Call me "Matvok."

Seven: Doc encouraged me to falsely accuse an alien.
Kim: He sometimes takes command and acts like a pompous jerk.
Barclay: He murdered a holographic fly.
Janeway: He's gone evil four or five times now.
Judge: Wow...you guys are great character witnesses.

Mrs. Hansen: Annika! My, you've grown....
Seven: Yeah, yeah. Have I had my personal-development quota for this episode yet?

Judge: ....and so, I rule that the Doctor is nifty.
Doc: Yes! In your face, evil publisher guy!
Publisher: It's not easy being blue....

Other Doc #1: Heard about the new holonovel?
Other Doc #2: Shut up and dig! I said dig!
Other Doc #1: You've gotta quit watching "The Cloud Minders."
(The holograms mine dilithium at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on April 22, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Paramount Pictures. My intent isn't to infringe on that; I and those like me are just having a little fun in the universe Gene Roddenberry created. I don't think he'd mind.

All material © 2001, Zeke.