Five-Minute Super Mario Bros.

by Derek Dean

Mario: Wait a minute! Mushrooms to make you grow big? Flowers to give you fire? Stars to make you invincible? When was this game made?
Luigi: 1985.
Mario: I would've sworn it was from the 60s.


Mario: Hey, these levels are easy!
Goomba: Hello, I'm insignficant and easily killable. GAK! See?
Mario: Heh heh heh. Oh no. Not a tree level! So hard!

Mario: Ha ha! Now I've got you, Bowser!
Bowser: You only think it's me! GAK!
Toad: Sorry, but our princess is in another castle.
Mario: Crap!


Mario: Oooh! Water world!
Luigi: Isn't that World 3?
Mario: You're thinking of Super Mario Brothers 3.
Luigi: Oh.

Bowser: This time I've put some bricks in the way to stop you from jumping, Mario!
Mario: Too bad I only have to bust the first one and run over you.
Bowser: D'oh!
Toad: Sorry, but our princess is in another castle.
Mario: Again?


Mario: Dark World? That's it? Just Dark World? Couldn't you have come up with something more creative?
Para-Troopa: No, I was too busy playing with my new wings.
Mario: That doesn't make you hard.
Para-Troopa: Maybe not, but I'm still the prettiest.

Bowser: All right, now I've put bricks in your way and you can't exploit them so easily.
Mario: Too bad you're still an easy kill. Especially when I have fireballs.
Toad: Sorry, but our princess is in another castle.
Mario: Why do I keep thinking that you would be the princess in the first place?
Toad: (shrugs)


Mario: Hey! There aren't any enemies on the ground. This should be easy!
Lakitu: Heh heh.
Mario: (shrinks) D'oh! I like SMB 3 better when I don't go from fire Mario to little Mario with one hit.

Luigi: Ahem, you could warp here.
Mario: No way. I'm beating this game straight through.
Luigi: Oh come on! Just let me play once! Need I remind you that the B stands for Brothers?
Mario: Need I remind you that the M stands for Mario?

Bowser: Now I've made my castle all twisted!
Mario: I never liked that episode-- Hey! There's a fire rod! And a fireball jumping out of the lava!
Bowser: Like I said, I've made my castle all twisted.
Mario: That's not all that's twisted.
Toad: Sorry, but our princess is in another castle.
Mario: I'm really starting to dislike hearing that.


Mario: This tree level looks like the tree level from World 1!
Cannon: THUD!
Mario: Crap! Bullet bills! And they have a high interest rate!
Luigi: That was your worst joke yet.

Mario: Hey, this castle is just like World 2's. Yikes! A massively long firerod! GAK!


Luigi: You mean I actually get to go? Hurray! Wait a minute! I'm still on World 1!
Mario: Well, of course you are. You haven't beat it yet!
Luigi: But you did! Shouldn't I move with you?
Mario: You'd think that, wouldn't you?
Luigi: This sucks. I think I'll just kill myself. GAK!
Mario: Well, you could've warped, but thanks!


Mario: Ha! This time I beat your stupid firerod!
Bowser: Yes, but there's still a whole rest of the castle.
Mario: Oh, like that's hard.
Bowser: GAK!
Mario: Don't tell me, the princess is in another castle.
Toad: Sorry.


Mario: Well, this world is unexciting. Now I just need to beat the Tree Level! ACK! Cold! Brrr!
Luigi: Ha ha! You didn't see the sign saying "Ice World"!
Mario: Just shut up and hand me a parka.
Luigi: What's the matter? Chilly?
Mario: Do I look like Porthos?

Mario: This castle is like World 1's!
Bowser: Why mess with what works?
Mario: Um, because it doesn't?
Bowser: GAK!
Toad: Sorry, but our princess is in another castle.
Mario: Must... control... fireballs... of... death....


Bowser: Ok. Maze time again. Let's see you get through this time.
Mario: Ha! Nailed it!
Bowser: Then I'm sure you won't mind some hammers!
Mario: Eep!
Bowser: GAK!
Toad: Sorry, but our prince-- OW!
Mario: This had better be the last time I see you.


Bowser: Ha ha! See my castle this time? Even more twisted and confusing than ever before!
Mario: You're right. It is pretty tricky.
Bowser: I doubt you'll ever figure out that all you have to do is go in the first pipe after each pool of lava!
Mario: Um, no. You're right. I'm sure I never will....

Bowser: Crap, you made it here! Oh well, you still have to get past me!
Mario: Too bad you haven't changed your tactics.
Bowser: But, but, I added hammers! And have fireballs coming out of the lava and stuff!
Mario: Yeah, but you still jump around like an idiot and breathe fire every so often just like you did in World 1.
Bowser: Crap! GAK!

Princess: You saved me!
Mario: Ugh! You look absolutely awful!
Princess: It's the poor graphics. In Mario 2 and 3 you'll see just how beautiful I am.
Mario: You mean I have to wait even longer? Argh!
(Mario bangs his head against a wall at Ludicrous Speed)



Luigi: Crap.

Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Derek Dean.

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This fiver was originally published on September 13, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is owned by Nintendo. In fact, by now it's probably illegal to even be an Italian plumber without paying them royalties. But that's Italy's problem.

All material © 2003, Derek Dean.