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Five-Minute StarTropics

by SimonBob

Mike: So, I'm going to the southern tropics to see my uncle Steve, the famous Dr. J, who's been exploring some ancient ruins. Nothing can possibly go wrong!

Chief Coralcola: Welcome to C-Island. Your uncle's been kidnapped.
Mike: Darn, a perfectly good vacation ruined.
Chief Coralcola: Would you like to go save him? I can give you a weapon.
Mike: Weapons? Now you're talking. Hook me up.
Chief Coralcola: Here you go, one yo-yo.
Mike: A yo-yo. Sure. I could take on the whole American armed forces with a yo-yo.

Mike: Fine, let's see how this works... (whipSNAP)
Rat: ARRGH! (dies)
Mike: I hereby take back everything I muttered about the crappiness of this thing.

C-Snake: RAWRAR! I'm C-Snake!
Mike: Like, the letter C, or S-E-A?
C-Snake: Oh! Well, obviously... actually, hmmm, that's a real tail-scratcher....
Mike: While you think about that, I'll excuse myself from this tunnel. ZOINK!
C-Snake: Aww, nuts! Americans always have such nice things after I eat them.

Baboo: Hey, Mike, the password for the submarine is 1942....
Mike: Yep, nobody would ever guess that.
Baboo: ...but I can't tell you where Dr. J went because... because....
Mike: Because WHAT?
Baboo: I can't tell you! I'm just an NPC! (sob) I'm not really vague, I'm just programmed like that!

Nav-Com: Hi there! I'm the Navigational Computer of the Sub-C! I just want to make your day nicer and nicer....
Mike: What next, a Paranoid Android?
Marvin: You only think you're being funny.

Dolphin: Hey, can you rescue my son from Octo the giant octopus?
Mike: Anything... for a lady.

Octo: BWAHAHAHA! What makes you think you can defeat my INK BALLS OF DOOM?
Octo: Wow, that makes my attack sound terrible.
Mike: Maybe if you didn't call them "Balls of Doom."

Mike: Oh, ow. I seem to have been tossed from my submarine in a storm. But this island can't be too big! It should be easy to get someone to fix it.
Chief Miracola: Well, before I fix your submarine, you have to get a scroll from the mountain guru to revive my daughter.
Queen Shecola: But before you can get to the mountain, you have to get into my castle so you can get passage over the bridge.
Fortune Teller: And in order to get into the castle, I have to turn you into a girl. But I won't until you find my crystal ball, which I dropped in the lake in the Haunted Village.
Mountain Guru: And at every turn, there's another tunnel! It'll take hours! HOURS! MWAHAHAHA!
Mike: Whaaaaat? I am NOT getting turned into a girl!

Nav-Com: Hey, thanks for fixing me, I feel great! Oooh! Let's play "Ocean Battle"!
Mike: I'm kinda concerned about this giant black shape coming at us from below....
Nav-Com: All right, so we're doing the "giant black shape" scenario -
Whale: GULP!
Mike: Nav-Com, you are so shut down.

Baboo: Hey, Mike. I'll bet we can get out of this whale if we set fire to my raft.
Mike: Great idea, Pinnochio. Got a light?
Baboo: I dropped it....
Mike: Oh boy, another rousing-yet-pointless journey. At least there're no tunnels this time.

Baboo: Cool, we got out of the whale! Smoking saved my life, even though I got cancer!
Mike: Okay, spill the beans. What's the real deal with my uncle?
Baboo: Dip your uncle's letter in water and get the secret frequency!
Mike: So that's why his P.S. says not to eat the letter.

Nav-Com: The signal is coming from past this island, but we can't get past because there's a ship blocking the channel and the island is covered with barrier reefs.
Mike: Reefs don't go on forever....
Nav-Com: This one does!
Mike: All right, then just go under the boat. We're in a submarine, after all.
Nav-Com: No can do! That'd be in violation of the Submarine Law!
Mike: What Submarine Law?
Nav-Com: Sorry, no further queries -- I'm going into sleep mode.

Mike: Hey! Uncle Steve! Why couldn't you get kidnapped someplace easy to reach?
Dr. J: I managed to bore the space aliens with physics lectures, and they left me here instead of taking me on their ship.
Mike: Let me guess -- I have to board the ship and rescue some priceless artifacts from the evil aliens?
Dr. J: Yeah, that's about the size of it.
Mike: Great. See you at the family reunion.

Generic Hench-Alien: Hey, some kid's been killing a bunch of our state-of-the-art soldiers and taking those magic cubes we stole.
Zoda: Really? With what?
Generic Hench-Alien: A yo-yo.
Zoda: A yo-yo? Arrgh, my head hurts! Get my private brain care specialist on the phone!
Generic Hench-Alien: I'm sorry, sir, but the yo-yo kid already did the obligatory Hitchhiker's Guide joke.
Zoda: Ooooh! Now it's personal!

Zoda: Er, hello, testing, can you hear me in your head?
Mike: Loud and clear.
Zoda: Alright. (ahem) HAHAHAHA! I am the mortal enemy of your kind!
Mike: Oh, sorry, I'm not listening anymore. I'm busy stuffing bananas in my ears.

Zodasaur: RAWRARAR!!
Mike: Well, hellooooo mister ugly.
Zodasaur: You think you can defeat me with that pitiful yo-yo?
Mike: This "pitiful yo-yo" beat up snakes, octopuses, ghosts, purple people eaters, and reincarnated Aztec warriors. I think a little space alien will be easy pickin's, don't you?

Mike: ...So then I found this escape capsule and I got out of the exploding space ship just in time!
Dr. J: Nobody likes a braggart, Mike.

Magic Cubes: Sparkle sparkle! !POOF)
Bunch Of Kids: Hey there. We came from the far-off planet Argonia in those cubes, and you just saved us from extinction!
Mike: Great. Wanna go fishing?
(Everyone goes fishing at Ludicrous Speed.)


Got a comment on this guest fiver? Contact the author, SimonBob.

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This fiver was originally published on September 8, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Nintendo, and I'm a fan of theirs, so I'm not stomping all over their trademarks just because I can. I'm just spreading the entertainment around, which is what it's all about, right?

All material © 2001, Kevin Williams.