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Five-Minute House of the Dead

by Dekar


Sophie: Help! Help! The undead monsters we made specifically to kill people are trying to kill us! Why didn't we see this coming?

Agent 1: We're here!
Zombies: Ooh! More flesh!
Agent 2: I'm beginning to think we should be elsewhere.

Lead Scientist: Don't kill me! I created you!
Frankenstein Zombie: Has that line ever worked? In the entire history of the universe?
Lead Scientist: No...

Agent 1: Hold your fire, hold your fire...
Lead Scientist: GAK!
Agent 1: Okay, now start shooting.

Agent 1: (BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM CLICK) Hey, I'm out of ammo!
Agent 2: Wait, we went into a house of undead zombies with little pistols that only fire six bullets?
Agent 1: Yeah, that part could have been thought out a little better.

(Two scientists run across the screen, being chased by zombies)
Agent 1: (BLAM) I saved my scientist!
Agent 2: (BLAM) Oops. I shot my scientist -- ow!
Agent 1: Sorry. I have to shoot you when you hurt an innocent.
Agent 2: WHY?
Agent 1: To encourage accuracy.
Agent 2: You encourage accuracy by shooting me in the arm?
Agent 1: Fundamentally, yes.

Scientist: Help! Help! He's trying to throw me over this ledge!
Agent 1: It's about 3 feet down. A baby could survive that fall.
Scientist: Uh... I have very weak bones?

Hellhound: Whee!
Agent 1: Are you aware that your last words will include 'whee?'
Hellhound: I was informed of that, yes.

Agent 1: This guy's body has papers... the weaknesses of various level bosses.
Agent 2: Is it worth asking how he knows which ones are the level bosses?
Agent 1: No.

Agent 1: Now see, my young Agent 2, we need to designate targets. First are these bats that are dive-bombing us.
Agent 2: Done.
Agent 1: Next is the guy that's throwing axes at us.
Agent 2: What about the axes themselves? Can't we shoot them down?
Agent 1: Since they're going for you, I don't really care.
Agent 2: As I'm guarding your back, that is illogical.
Agent 1: And as logic was not used at any point in this game, I still don't care.

Scientist: Thanks for saving my life! You can go up through that room.
Agent 1: Theoretically, if you were dead, would we still go to that room, despite having no knowledge?
Scientist: Yeah...
Agent 1: Just checking.

Agent 1: Guy behind us! (BLAM)
Agent 2: Wait. We know for a fact that guys are coming behind us. So the scientists we rescue...
Agent 1: Are all toast, I know. Fortunately, we get life based on how many we save, not on how many survive.
Agent 2: Oh.

Agent 2: Why are you in a jail cell with a zombie?
Scientists: We shackled him to the wall and locked ourselves in. It seemed safe.
Shackled Zombie: I'm free.
Scientists: Oh fudge.

Agent 1: That voice!
Agent 2: Oh brother...
Agent 1: That beautiful, lovely voice...
Agent 2: Ahem. Zombies, please kill me now.
Agent 1: How delicate and pretty...
Random Zombies: Dude, we're not getting anywhere near him.

Agent 1: Sophie!
Sophie: Thomas Rogen! Oh, and hi G.
Agent 2: Remind me to put in for a better name than 'G.'
Agent 1: How I've hoped you were unhurt... how I worried...
Chariot Zombie: How I hate love scenes...
Sophie: GAK!
Agent 2: You're my hero.

Chariot Zombie Specs: The Chariot Zombie's weak point is the big glowing hole in his armor.
Agent 2: Why does...

Chariot Zombie: You have broken my armor! Time for stage 2!
Agent 1: You're about ten times more pathetic now. You have no armor and no weapons.
Chariot Zombie: You laugh. Wait till you see the Hermit.
Hermit Zombie: Oh, be quiet.


Agent 1: Let's shoot the door.
Agent 2: It's unlocked.
Agent 1: My point still stands.

Agent 1: Ooh! A trapdoor! I wonder if it leads to a trap?
Green Zombies: Oh, no, of course not.
Agent 2: Hang on... if this is no trap, who are you?
Green Zombies: Uh...would you believe dust bunnies?

Agent 1: Ow! I've been hit with a sledgehammer!
Agent 2: Um... you take the same damage from being hit with a sledgehammer and being run into by a little zombie?
Agent 1: Well, duh. The weapons are just for coolness points.
Agent 2: But physics dictates...

Scientist: Thanks for saving me! Here's a health pack.
Agent 1: Woohoo! See, Agent 2, this is why we save them.
Scientist: Ahem.
Agent 1: Um... I mean, aside from the niceness and all.

Agent 2: I see a zombie out in the woods.
Agent 1: So?
Agent 2: They've escaped this house.
Agent 1: So?
Agent 2: Perhaps we should get reinforcements.
Agent 1: Nah. No room for a third control set.

Bookshelf: Oh no! Don't shoot me!
Scientist: Oh no! Don't shoot me!
Frankenstein Zombie: Oh no! Don't shoot me!
Agents: Nice try.

Agent 1: DIE! DIE! DIE!
Agent 2: It's a statue.
Agent 1: ...oh.

Scientist: Help!
Agent 2: Why do these guys always run into trouble right before we show up?
Agent 1: Just go with it.
Agent 2: Hmph.

Scientist: Help!
Agent 2: We haven't even left the room yet! Why didn't the guy we just saved help this one?
Other Scientist: I'm chicken, why?

Scientist: Thanks. They're still upstairs.
Agent 2: So can you take a spare gun and help?
Scientist: Obviously not. I'm chicken too.

Hangedman Zombie: To show how evil I am, I will slay these two scientists.
Agent 2: You already doomed his girlfriend. He knows how evil you are.
Hangedman Zombie: I'll slay them anyway.

Agent 1: If we kill all the bats, he'll magically go to mode 2!
Agent 2: It's not magic, he just won't be able to use his first mode, which is attacking us with bats. Duh.
Agent 1: Oh.

Hangedman Zombie: Ouch! Those bullets hurt! I'll run away.
Agents: (creep quietly along the passageway)
Hangedman Zombie: Just kidding! Boink!
Agents: AAAAAH!

Agent 1: Crap, out of ammo. I'll reload.
Agent 2: But you're hanging onto the roof, and you're holding the gun. You need a third hand.
Hangedman Zombie: Haha!
Agent 1: Or I would, if this game involved logic.
Hangedman Zombie: Crap.


Mace and Flail Zombies: Hi!
Agent 1: Oh crap.
Agent 2: Do they do extra damage with their weapons?
Agent 1: No... that guy was my old roommate in college. Knew I was too lucky when he died horrendously.

Agent 1: This must be the security card.
Agent 2: I gathered that from the words 'security card' printed on it.

Elevator: Down.
Agents: No! Up!
Elevator: Okay, up.
Agents: No! Down!
Elevator: I see I got the brilliant duo today...

Scientist: Help! Help!
Agent 2: Okay. The last jailed scientist at least shackled his zombie to the wall. You're standing there with 5 zombies, one of whom is armed. How dumb can you get?
Scientist: Well, we made these guys, so I think the answer is quite obvious.
Agent 2: Infinity?
Scientist: Yup.

Scientist: Help!
Agent 2: I'll save you! (BLAM)
Scientist: GAK!
Agent 2: Whoops-- ow! Quit doing that, Agent 1!

Agent 1: (looking at dead scientist's body) We're too late!
Agent 2: We weren't too late, I shot him.
Agent 1: Okay, I guess I can put that in the official record.
Agent 2: Uh... We're too late.

Agent 1: I'll bet this one is another security card.
Agent 2: I realized that, because this one also says 'security card.' Only an idiot would think it was something else.
Agent 1: Or a credit card, I suppose. Or even a business card.
Agent 2: Oh brother.

Agents: Curien! Stop! You're under arrest!
Curien: But I'm probably getting the death penalty. I have absolutely nothing to gain by surrendering.
Agent 2: Well, I'll get to watch the game.
Curien: The operative word in that sentence was 'I.'

Hermit Zombie: Die!
Agent 1: Hah! Eat our bullets!
Hermit Zombie: I don't understand! How can you hit my weak spot repeatedly?
Agent 2: Because it's your head and pointed directly at us?

Hermit Zombie: Time for my second mode!
Agent 1: Dropping eggs on us? That is pathetic.
Hermit Zombie: Knew I should have asked for an upgrade...


Agent 1: I'm turning off the zombie machine.
Agent 2: How do we know it's the zombie machine?
Agent 1: The script.

Chariot Zombie: I'm back!
Chariot Zombie: Aack!
Agent 2: Suddenly I'm not very worried about the last boss anymore -- these guys keep getting more and more pathetic. What will the next one be, a lame illusionist?
Magician Zombie: Hey!

Hangedman Zombie: Hiya!
Agent 2: This is getting very annoying...

Hermit Zombie: Can't I please come back?
Curien: Frankly, you're so pathetic that I don't know how you became a boss the first time.

Agent 1: Found you, Curien! There are no exits to this room!
Curien: Ah, my friends, you found me, but now you die! Magician Zombie, attack them!
Magician Zombie: Sure. If by 'them' you mean 'you.'
Curien: No, that isn't what I mean at -- GAK!
Agent 1: He's dead! And the Magician flew out the exit to this room!
Agent 2: I thought there were no--
Agent 2: I get the point.

Magician Zombie: I throw fireballs at you!
Agents: Ouch!
Magician Zombie: You're not dead yet... mode 2! I jump at you and slash you!
Agents: Ouch ouch!
Magician Zombie: You're still not dead... this calls for my greatest weapon, mode 3!
Agent 2: I'm not worried, everyone else's first mode was better than their second.
Magician Zombie: But this is my third. You're making no sense.
Agent 1: See! I knew you would learn to ignore logic! I'm so proud of you!

Magician Zombie: Now watch as I create 20 fireballs and fling them up so they can come down and hit you. I'd shoot them at you directly, but I want to give you a sporting chance to blast them.
Agent 1: Much obliged.

Magician Zombie: No! I will not be defeated! I'll just run off and appear in a sequel!
Agent 1: Crap.
(The credits roll at Ludicrous Speed)


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Dekar.

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This fiver was originally published on September 13, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: Agent 2 was blathering something about copyrights, but we shut him up.

All material © 2003, Dekar.