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Five-Minute Half-Life

by SimonBob

Scientist: Okay, Gordon, just push the block into the generator.
(Lots of explosions)
Scientist: Whoops.

Barney: I don't know what that thing is, but--
Headcrab: SQUEEEE!
Barney: Ow, that really hurts!

Scientist: Oh, thank goodness! The military will save us!
Soldier: Um, yeah. Save you. *BLAM*BLAM*BLAM*

Big Tentacle Thingy #1: Where's Gordon?
Big Tentacle Thingy #2: Over here!
Big Tentacle Thingy #3: No, over there!
Big Tentacle Thingy #1: *WHAP* Shaddup, knucklehead!
Big Tentacle Thingy #3: Whoo-whoowhoowhoowhoo!

Soldier: Instead of questioning the only man who knows what happened, let's throw him in a trash compacter.

Alien Soldier: Bring it on, human scum!
Human Soldier: Hivehands are for wusses!
(Gordon shows up and shoots everyone in sight)
Alien Soldier: I have a better idea, let's gang up on him.
Human Soldier: Agreed.

Soldier: (on radio) Everyone pull out! Our military is too wussy to deal with crowbar-wielding scientists!

Scientist: Okay, Gordon. I'll activate the teleporter, you shoot the aliens. You have to protect me, this is the only non-bulletproof glass in the game.

Narrator: And lo, did Gordon go forth to Xen to deal with the aliens. And lo, did the author of the spoof take out all four Xen levels because they sucked.

G-Man: Well, it turns out that the entire thing -- saving Black Mesa and the planet, rescuing scientists, defeating the evil government -- was just a ruse to see if you could handle a job for us, a la The Last Starfighter. See you in the sequel!


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This fiver was originally published on May 30, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Sierra and Valve. I think they don't mind too much. AHHHH! GET THE HEADCRAB OFF ME! NOOOOOO!

All material © 2001, Kevin Williams. Including, for the first and only time, the disclaimer.