Five-Minute Elite Force

by Kosst Amojan

Captain's Log: Exposition, background, background, yadda yadda. You know all this stuff already or you wouldn't be playing a game that advertises its "New Phaser Rifle."

Munro: Wow. Here I am in the middle of a Borg ship with no idea how I got here or why Tuvok keeps yelling at me. Oh well, might as well kill stuff! Die alien scum!
Holo Borg 1: We are the GAK!
Holo-Borg 2: You will be GAK!
Holo-Borg 3: Resistance is GAK!
Holo-Console: KABLAMMO!
All: Holo-GAK!
Tuvok: You all suck.

Tuvok: Your suckitude surpasses that of the others.
Munro: I like you too.

Paris: Hey, Munro!
Chakotay: Hi, Munro!
Kim: 'Sup Munro?
Janeway: Howzit goin' Munro?
Munro: How do you all know my name?
Seven: Nametag on your hazard suit, idiot.
Evil Alien Ship of Death: Helloooooo? Evil Alien Ship of Death here! Aren't you supposed to be firing on me or something?
Janeway: Whatever. Tuvok, throw something at it.
Evil Alien Ship of Death Haha! Tricked you! (KABOOOOOM)

Captain's Log: Owww... my head.

Kim: We're in the middle of nowhere, far away from where we were before, with no way to get back.
Janeway: Hmmmmm... this episode sounds familiar....
Chakotay: I think it's more of a series premise, captain.
Tuvok: Reminds me of Voy--
Janeway: ....shut up, let me get it....
Torres: Captain, we need one of those new "invincible" redshirts down here. Things are going all explody.
Munro: Here I come to save the day!
Janeway ....Gilligan's Island?

Scavengers: Arrrr! We've come to steal yarr treasarrr!
Munro: Treasure? Sorry, we're fresh out. Here, take some boxes and containers that are full of strange and mysterious things.
Scavengers: Arrr... okay. But we get to kill a few people first.

Tuvok: Hazard team, we're beaming you thataway because you all annoy me. Have a nice death!

Munro: Hmmmmm... alien vessel. Seems strangely deserted.
Alien Flying Dude: Hello!
Munro: Die alien scum!
Chang: Well, it's deserted now.

Leader of the Alien Flying Dudes: Please don't kill me! It was all a misunderstanding! We communicate by shooting people!
Munro: Really? Me too! Die alien scum!
Foster: MUNRO!
Munro: Aw....
Foster: It scares me that you're the second highest-ranking member of the hazard team.
Munro: Yeah... can you imagine what would happen if you were out of action?
Both: Hahahahahahaha! ... (shudder)

Foster: We need isocosmicfrabium to get the kerblita to fworhoog.
Tuvok: In exact accordance with Starfleet regulation 5B, we're going to steal it from Klingons.

Munro: Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting for Kwingons.
Foster: Team, check in.
Telsia: Done.
Chang: Done.
Kenn: Done.
Munro: Wait, I'm still trying to figure out how to use my communicator....
Foster: You're using it right now!
Munro: Am I? Or is it an elaborate ruse set by an alien race of evil?
Kenn: Good GOD, you're stupi--GAK!
Munro: Hello? Hello? See? It doesn't work!

Munro: Klingons, Humans and Malon, oh my! What the... Kenn! Are you ok?
Kenn: Won't... dignify... that... with response....
Munro: Well, we'll just beam you out and -- hey! You only have two containers of somethingium! Where's the third?
Kenn: You'll have to... get my... last one.
Munro: But, you said you were finished!
Kenn: I lied... so I wouldn't... look... as incompetent... as you.

Munro: Oooo... a big pit. I'll bet that has so many uses on a starship.
Telsia: Shut up and make with the death-defying jumps.

Munro: Oooooo... it's all campy and TOS-like.
Evil Redshirt: Hey, who are you?
Munro: Die alien scum!
Evil Redshirt: Hey! I'm not alien! You're stupid!
Munro: Fine, I'll just disguise myself as one of you.
Evil Redshirt: Much better.

Munro: Die doctor scum!
Evil Doctor: GAK!
Munro: Die human scum!
Evil TOS Captain Guy: GAK!
Munro: Die Hirogen scum!
Evil Hirogen Alpha: GAK!
Munro: Die Borg sc-- uh oh....
Borg: Heh heh heh.

Tuvok: Idiot! Did you even try to stop them?
Munro: And risk killing our token black guy? The ACLU would eat us alive!
Tuvok: So instead we all die?
Munro: I think the living would envy the dead.

Munro: Okay, here's what we do. The longer I'm in command, the worse off we are, so we're going to beam over to the cube to kill lots of Borg and rescue Foster "Best of Both Worlds" style.
Tuvok: A-hem!
Munro: Oh yeah, and something about the isowhateverum that can save us all.

Drones: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks. Bang.
Munro: Bang?
Drones: Well, more of a whoosh or a zap.
Crewman #216: Ohhh, I get it. GAK!

Telsia: Heyyyy... that guy looks familiar....
Munro: Oh yeah... Hey, it's Foster! Die Borg scum!
Telsia: I was thinking more along the lines of a rescue.
Munro: Whatever.

Seven: Oooooo... mind controlly... We're Borg... Resistance sucks....
Chang: Oh no! She's doing that whole thing from "Dark Frontier" again!
Munro: Well, looks like we're gonna have to negotiate.
Telsia: What happened to "Die alien scum!"?
Munro: Yeah, like I'm gonna kill Voyager's sex appeal.

Seven (Borged): You can have your isocosmicfrabium if you kill the guys we can't kill.
Chang: Wouldn't it be easier just to kill you?
Seven (Borged): Logic is irrelevant.

Munro: Well, we shot lots of 8472, got back the isowhatzitium, now all we have to do is beam out....
(Drones beam in)
Drones: God LORD, you're even stupider than the TOS guys said you were. You just killed the only reason we had for not assimilating you!
Munro: We had a deal!
Drones: We are altering the deal. Pray we do not alter it any further.
Munro: Okay, that Star Wars line was uncalled for. Die Borg scum!

Telsia: Well, I guess we're in the clear. Wanna make out?
Munro: No, that weird thing moving towards Voyager is much more interesting.

Janeway: Two questions. One, what is it? And two, kill it now.
Torres: Phasers are down. Torpedoes are down. Tractor beams are down. Shields are down. We could try having crewmen throw rocks at it....
Janeway: Hmmmm... sacrificing redshirts... tempting, but no. I'm in a big gun mood. Let's shoot it with something.
Tuvok: We don't have any big guns!
Janeway: Then steal one! That's the Starfleet way!

Munro: La dee da da... walking around on an alien gunship with nothing in my way....
Evil Robot of Death: Whirrrr... blam blam!
Munro: This is getting old.
Evil Robot of Death: Just say the line.
Munro: But--
Evil Robot of Death: Say it!
Munro: Sigh... "Die robot scum."
Evil Robot of Death: Pathetic, just pathetic. GAK!

Big Fricking Gunship: KABLAMMO!
Harvester Ship: Ow! Hey, that tickled.
Voyager: D'oh....

Crewman #670: AAAAAA! CRABS!
Munro: Oh man, those suck. Get a shampoo or --
Crewman #670: Not that kind of crabs! GAK!
Evil Big Crab of Evil: Booga booga!

Kim: I say we cower in the corner and hope they don't attack again.
Munro: Fools! Aren't you going to counterattack?
Tuvok: Shut up, ensign-boy!
Munro: But, but... it was Neelix's idea!
Janeway: All the more reason to stop it before it spreads. However, I do like killing stuff... okay, let's do it!
Paris: But how do we get there?
Munro: Same way we've done it throughout this game! Steal stuff!
Kim: We could use the Harvester ship to infiltrate the Forge!
Janeway: Clever... No one in history's ever done this before....

Munro: Die alien scum! Ah, it's good to be back to the basics!
Big Alien Reaver Dude: You've used that line umpteen million times now! Don't you think it might be getting old?
Munro: Does it still kill you?
Big Alien Reaver Dude: GAK!
Munro: Then no.

Really Ugly Alien Boss: Hey everybody! You all suck! You're nothing compared to me! I'm gonna kill you all! What do you say to that?
Munro: Ummm, how about "I'm coming to kill you?"
Tuvok: You're not going anywhere, buster. Killing evil alien bosses is against Starfleet regulations. I think....
Munro: Screw you, logic-boy. I'm going alone.

Munro: Die army of death!
Army of Death: Die Mun-- GAK!
Flying Alien Helper Guys: Die evil seed thingy!
Evil Seed Thingy: Uhhhh... well, I don't really do much, so GAK!
Really Ugly Alien Boss: Now I'm really mad!

Munro: You're not so tough! I just have to find your weak point!
Really Ugly Alien Boss: Good luck!
Munro: Okay... How about Photon Burst to the back?
Really Ugly Alien Boss: Nope.
Munro: Arc Welder to the belly?
Really Ugly Alien Boss: Not even close.
Munro: Compression Rifle to the face?
Really Ugly Alien Boss: Noooope.
Munro: Uhhhh, gee... Scavenger Rifle to the tentacle?
Really Ugly Alien Boss: Ha ha ha! Way off!
Munro: How about I just shoot you a bunch.
Really Ugly Alien Boss: Damn.

Munro: And so they all lived happily ever after!
Telsia: At least until "Workforce."
Everybody: (shudders)
(The pixels wink out at Ludicrous Speed)


BONUS: Five Minute Elite Force Expansion Pack

Munro: Umm....
Tuvok: Gee....
Kim: Huh....
Seven: Uh....
Paris: (taps foot)
Chakotay: (looks at watch)
Torres: (starts to whistle)
Foster: Dum dee dum dum dum....
Janeway: Well, this is exciting....
Munro: Yeah. Ooo, a campy top-view game!
(Gamers wonder why they bought this at Ludicrous Speed)


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Kosst Amojan.

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This fiver was originally published on March 20, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: Some stuff in here belongs to Paramount Pictures. Some other stuff belongs to Raven Software. The little sign saying "don't sue us" belongs to Five-Minute Voyager.

All material © 2003, Jens Magelssen.