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Five-Minute Sid Meier's Civilization III

by Tate

DAWN OF CIVILIZATION. Your ancestors were nomads. But over the generations, your people have learned the secrets of farming, road building, and irrigation, and they are ready to settle down. Alexander, your people have invested absolute power in you, trusting that you can build a Civilization to stand the test of time!
Player: Wait a minute. Wasn't Alexander the Great a Macedonian? Why am I king of the Greeks?
Can you think of a better choice for a Greek king?
Player: Sure: Pericles, Alcibiades, Themistocles...
Player: ...Lysander, Agamemnon, Menelaus...

Player: Abraham Lincoln? But this is 2000 BC! How can you be here?
Lincoln: (over the emissary) All the civilizations in the game are here from the beginning.
Player: I thought this was a game based on history!
Lincoln: Wait and see how you feel when you're still facing the Romans in 2000 AD.

Military Advisor: Our war against the Romans goes well. We have recaptured our city of Delphi, but the citizens there are unhappy with you.
Player: Why?
Citizens: It's because of the heavy oppression you have laid upon us. You can't treat us like slaves just to advance your petty wars!
Player: But I haven't oppressed anyone. It was Caesar!
Citizens: Eh, same difference.

Domestic Advisor: President, our citizens are (sob) happy.
Player: That's great news. Why are you so sad about it?
Domestic Advisor: I've been planning on running against you next election. I don't have a platform to run on if everything is going well for the country. Oh well, at least we're losing the war.
Player: Actually, we stopped fighting the war fifty turns ago. And we're not a Democracy in the sense that I can actually be voted out of office.
Domestic Advisor: Great, just dash all my dreams, will you?

Military Advisor: The loyal citizens of Orleans have overthrown their oppressors and have pledged allegiance to us!
Player: If they're loyal citizens, why aren't they staying with their country?
Military Advisor: Does that mean you want me to rebuff the rebels?
Player: Are you kidding? We get a free city! Hoo-yeah!

Foreign Advisor: The Romans and the French have signed a trade embargo against us. Didn't I tell you they were evil?
Player: No, you didn't.
Foreign Advisor: Oops. I must have forgotten to put that on my to-do list.

Player: I've won the game by building a spaceship to colonize Alpha Centauri. All that's left is to give a speech. (ahem) As we send Captain Garland and his intrepid crew off to explore a strange new world, our only desire is that they won't be killed by the mindworms.
Garland: What?
Player: I said our only desire is that this voyage will be untainted by the violence that has plagued man since the dawn of time. Was I unclear?

Player: As I watch my spaceship soar off to Alpha Centauri, I turn to hear the praises of my adoring rivals.
Lincoln: Next time I'll play without one arm tied behind my back.
Caesar: Next time I'll play without one arm tied behind my back.
Bismarck: Next time I'll play without one arm tied behind my back.
Joan d'Arc: Next time I'll play without one arm tied behind my back.
Caesar: Next time I'll play without one arm tied behind my back.
Player: I'm bored. When does multiplayer come out?
(The spaceship sails away at Ludicrous Speed)


Bonus: Five Minute Civilization III: Play the World

Player: Let's see how this works.
Play the World: (CRASH!)
Player: Bummer.
(Player waits for the next expansion pack to come out at Ludicrous Speed)


Bonus: Five Minute Civilization III: Conquests


Player: All right. I've got the lighthouse, the colossus, the pyramids, and the hanging gardens. I just need three more wonders and my collection will be complete.
Hatshepsut: Hey! The pyramids are supposed to be in Egypt!
Hammurabi: Yeah! And those hanging gardens should be mine!
Player: Er, trade you for a Mausoleum?

Rise of Rome

Player: Wait a minute. My capital city is called "Roma"? Why not "Rome"?
Hannibal: We use the Latin names here. Speaking of which, prepare to face the wrath of Carthago!
Player: Carthago delenda est!
Hannibal: I guess I asked for it....

Fall of Rome

Player: And now, having built the Roman Empire to its finest, I'll have the fun of tearing it down... with the aid of thousands of barbarians! Charge!
Other Barbarian Tribes:
Player: Or I could destroy Rome all by myself. (sigh)

Middle Ages

Player: I hope my civilization can last through these Viking invasions long enough for me to establish it as the dominant nation in Europe.
Player: I said "I hope my civilization can last through these Viking invasions."
Player: Right. On to the crusades.


Pachacuti: Welcome to Mesoamerica. I'm going to win a cultural victory by killing your workers.
Player: Hmm... a "culture of death"? Sounds intriguing, but I have a better idea. I think I'll win the cultural victory without any human sacrifice, thank you very much.
Pachacuti: What? You can't do that!
Player: Can't hear you. Too busy winning.
Pachacuti: Hmmph. I'd like to see you get away with that at Monarch difficulty.

Age of Discovery

Player: Great! I get to colonize America, hoard up treasure, and send it back to my capital. I'll win this conquest easily, especially because nobody else is interested in winning.
Queen Isabella: Hey, if you wanted more AI competition, you shouldn't have set the difficulty to Chieftain level.
Player: You misunderstand. I like it this way -- I get to win!

Sengoku: Sword of the Shogun

Player: Ooh, Sengoku! I love this game. Now, where should the nine go in column five? Row seven?
Daimyo Oda Nobunaga: Psst. You're thinking of Sudoku. This is Sengoku, a scenario in which you try to become Shogun of Feudal Japan.
Player: Row six? No, that wouldn't work...

Napoleonic Europe

Player: Hear ye, oh Europe. We must band together to fight the onslaught of Napoleon.
King Willem: The Dutch are with you, George.
Prince João VI: The Portuguese pledge themselves to oppose the French.
King Ferdinand IV: The Neopolitans are steadfast. We will stand with you to the bitter --
Player: What? Neapolitan is a nationality? I always thought it was just an ice cream flavor.
Ferdinand: As I was saying, we will stand --
Player: A whole nation of chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. What an idea!
Ferdinand: (sigh)

WWII in the Pacific

Player: Hey, did you know that "pacific" means "peaceful"?
Japanese Bombers: Bang! Bang! Bang!
Player: Guess not.

Sid Meier: Congratulations! You won every single conquest! That means you're the King of --
Player: Yeah, sure, fine. Well, so long. I'm off to buy Civilization IV.
(Player runs to the store at Ludicrous Speed)


Sid Meier: Well, since I can't finish that speech now, I might as well try out my stand-up comedy routine. How many Civilization players does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but first he needs to play one... more... turn. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sid Meier: What? Don't you get it?



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This fiver was originally published on May 30, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Sid Meier. Well, that one was easy to figure out. See why? Because his name's in the title. There it is. Yep.

All material © 2006, Tate Chamberlain (although he actually wrote it like 50 years ago).