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Five-Minute Chrono Trigger

by SimonBob

(1000 AD)

Crono's Mom: Good morning, go to the fair, visit Lucca, here's some money, bye.
Crono: Uhh... what?
Crono's Mom: Hey, when you condense a ten-hour game into five minutes, you gotta cut some corners. Now scoot!

Marle: WHAP! Owww, you walked into me!
Crono: No I didn't, you just said "whap."
Marle: Hey, where's my pendant?
Crono: Here you go.
Marle: Oh, thanks. My name is Nadi...uhh, Marle. Yes, that will do....

Lucca: Hey Crono, where'd you pick up the chick?
Marle: I wanna try the telepod! Aw, crap, I'm getting sucked into an alternate dimension.
Lucca: Good riddance, now Crono is mine!...I mean, you'd better go after her, Crono.

(600 AD)

Crono: Wow, a castle that looks just like the one at home! And everyone says it's 600 AD!
Lucca: Hey Crono, I followed you.
Crono: Good thing, too. I haven't got a clue where I am.
Lucca: Crap, we forgot to condense the "Marle disappears" scene.
Crono: Big deal, it was a boring scene anyway.

Frog: Ribbit.
Lucca: Aack! I hate frogs!
Crono: Then why do you dissect them all the time?
Lucca: How do you think I get my revenge on them?
Frog: Mine name art Gle...err, 'tis Frog. Yeah.
Crono: Great, another character hiding their true identity, only this one has an accent.

Monsters: La la la la, we love Magus.
Crono: Whatever. Slash, slash, slash.
Monsters: Ow.

Yakra: Hahaha, I'm imitating the Chancellor!
Crono: Slash.
Yakra: Damn.

Chancellor: Let's make a criminal justice system to deal with those creeps.
Crono: Don't forget to give an especially harsh punishment for "Premeditated Abduction of Royalty."
Marle: I'm back!
Frog: I'm leaving.
Crono: Aw, but if you stayed, then we could get to the End of Time that much faster. Dang.

Lucca: This is a Gate.
Marle: I'm going to get mad about my royal birth so you can be a braggart for the rest of the game.
Lucca: Okay. Ha ha! I'm smarter than everyone!
Crono: Way to go, Marle...

(1000 AD)

Evil Chancellor: You're under arrest.
Crono: For what?
Evil Chancellor: Premeditated Abduction of Royalty.
Crono: Aw, crap!

Pierre: Crono's really nice.
Evil Chancellor: No, he isn't.
Judge: It doesn't matter, he's gonna escape anyway, so take him to jail.
Crono: Aw, crap!
Marle: Wait, don't take him!
King: I'm going to play the "evil misunderstanding elder figure" for our purposes. Take him away!
Marle: Jerk.

Crono: Hey, look at me! Making a disturbance! La dee dah!
Guard: Whack.
Crono: Ow. Slash.
Guard: Crap, should've hit him harder.

Lucca: Take that, stupid administrator!
Crono: Look at all that Mid Tonic... I think this guys got some problems. *coughalcoholiccough*

Evil Chancellor: Go, Dragon Tank!
Crono: Slash.
Evil Chancellor: D'oh! Fix it! ...Oh crap, there goes the bridge.
Crono: See ya later, sucker.

Marle: I'm leaving this god-forsaken kingdom!
King: Good, get outta here.
Guards: Huh?
Evil Chancellor: He means "get them!"

Guards: Come back here!
Marle: Everyone into the gate.
Crono: C'mon, can't I just slash 'em up?
Lucca: No, it's wrong to beat people senseless.
Crono: YOU got to beat up the guy at the jail.
Lucca: That was... in self defence.

(2300 AD)

Salesman: Save money, it'll do you good.
Crono: So, you suggest we throw our GP at the monsters?
Salesman: What the hell is GP? We use credit cards.
Lucca: Credit...?

Doan: Go down into the lower level, but watch out for robots.
Lucca: Robots? Those are impossible to make.
Crono: You made Gato.
Lucca: Yeah, but he sucks.
Crono: This is true.

Guardian & Bits: [NO ACCESS]
Crono: Slash, slash, slash.
Guardian & Bits: [CRAP]

Crono: Aww, all that fighting for one stupid seed?
Marle: This box of Taco Bell stuff is still fresh.
Crono: Like I was saying, that seed looks delicious.

Lucca: Even though this technology is 1300 years more advanced than me, watch as I flawlessly get it to show us where Proto Dome is.
Marle: And watch me be the cute-but-stupid one who shows us what our real mission is!
Lavos: Rawr.
Crono: So how do you get to Half-Life on this thing?

Doan: Find anything?
Lucca: Here's a seed, now we have to go save the future, which is your present.
Doan: Here's a bike key. Never bother us again, you freaky junkies.

Robots: It's THE MAN!
Johnny: Like, thanks for the intro babes!
Crono: Shut up and race.

Johnny: Zoom.
Crono: Zoom. I win, see you later.
rX-Xr: If you get the race log, you can document your victories over Johnny.
Johnny: Shut up before I dismantle you.

Robo: Hi there. I think I've been asleep for 300 years or something. My series number is RY-366.
Lucca: Cool.
Marle: No, it's not cool. Your new name is Robo.
Lucca: That's not cool.
Marle: Bite me.

R Series: You suck.
Robo: No, YOU suck!
R Series: That's it, you're goin' down.
Crono: Slash. Aw, crap, they broke Robo.

Lucca: Okay, you're fixed.
Robo: Cool. Mind if I join you in the Gate?
Crono: I wonder if those sparks were supposed to appear when we used the gate.

(End of Time)

Old Man: Hey.
Crono: Hi, we're from 1000 AD.
Old Man: Hey.
Robo: I'm from 2300 AD.
Old Man: Hey.
Lucca: Do you say anything but "Hey?"
Old Man: Hey.

Spekkio: Walk around the walls, three times.
Crono: Oooookay...
Spekkio: Alright, now it's time to fight Ozzie, Flea, and Slash... no, wait, that's in the sequel. Here are some magic powers for you.
Crono: Cool! ZAP!
Lucca: Fire, fire fire fire burnburnburn!
Robo: Hey, just 'cuz I'm a robot doesn't mean I don't have a soul! They used to call me Prometheus, you know.

Ozzie XIII: This village 0wnz your crappy Truce!
Crono: He's talking l33t. Back... away... slowly...

Heckran: GRRR!
Crono: Sla... I mean, ZAP.
Heckran: Ow.

(600 AD)

Chef: Go take this to the front line.
Crono: Hey, jerky! Do you make it with a clothesline?
Chef: Wrong game, EarthBound junkie.

Ozzie: Take the bridge, troops!
Crono: Slash.
Ozzie: Darn, there goes my spell. Go! Zombor!
Zombor: Doom! Hate! Gore!
Crono: Slash.
Ozzie: Ozzie's in... a sandwich! Outta here!

Masa & Mune: EnergyWhirl!
Crono: Slash.
Masa & Mune: Darn, neutralized again.

Tata: Here's the medal, I'm no hero.
Tata's Father: WHAT? Geez, to think of all that money I wasted on oatmeal! Hmph, we're going back to steak and potatoes!
Tata: Really? Wow, I should've returned that medal a long time ago.

Frog: The hero, I am not. Here's the sword hilt I wouldn't let you have before.
Robo: This sword belongs to "roihcleM?" Who the heck is that?
Lucca: Idiot, that says "Melchior."
Robo: Well, maybe someone should've programmed me to read properly!

(1000 AD)

Melchior: Bring me some Dreamstone, then we can fix the sword.
Crono: Why's it called Dreamstone?
Melchior: Because it makes you dream.
Crono: Does it also make you stoned?
Melchior: Ah, ha ha ha ha! If I only had 100 GP for every time I heard that!
Lucca: Speaking of which, someone just stole 100 GP from us.
Melchior: Damn Mystics.

(65000000 BC)

Ayla: Me Ayla! Me no speak good grammar like!
Lucca: At least she doesn't speak l33t.
Robo: G07 7|-|47 r1g|-|7!!!1!1!1!!1!!!

Ayla: Tonight, we eat! But first, we dance!
Everyone: Dance, dance, dance!
Marle: Aw, nuts. I forgot my Dance Dance Revolution pad at home.

Crono: With soup this good, who needs Mid Tonics?

Azala: Hey, how'd you find me this fast?
Crono: Easy, we skipped a couple of worthless scenes to speed things along.
Azala: Oh well. Here's the Gate Key.
Crono: What? Aren't you supposed to sic Nizbel on us?
Azala: Like you said, gotta skip some worthless scenes.

(End of Time)

Old Man: So, now that you've fixed the Masamune with the Dreamstone, Frog can get revenge on Magus, also helping you discover the secrets to Lavos' arrival on this planet and save the future.
Crono: Nice recap, man!

(600 AD)

Flea: Giveitaway, giveitaway, giveitaway nowwww.
Crono: Doesn't Anthony sing that song? You play bass in RHCP.
Flea: Don't cramp my style.
Crono: Slash.
Flea: I'd like to include killing me in my definition of "cramping my style."

Slash: Welcome to the jungle, we got fun and games...
Crono: Slash.
Slash: Yes, what?
Crono: What? Oh, no, you don't understand. That's been our little running gag, whenever I kill someone I say "slash."
Slash: So... you're saying I'm dead?
Crono: Yep! Dead as a doornail!
Slash: Crap.

Ozzie: I'm going off the rails on a Crazy Traaaaiiiin!
Marle: Hey, that woman in Salamando was right! They are tone-deaf, evil fiends!
Crono: Whatever. Slash.
Ozzie: Hey! You're supposed to use cunning to kill me!
Crono: No time for that! Onward to Magus!

Magus: There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold...
Crono: Look out, everyone! Magus is really just Jimmy Page in disguise!
Frog: Slasheth.
Magus: Owcheth.
Crono: Stop stealing my catchphrases.

Lavos: Rawr.
Marle: Crono! Crono! Crono! Crono! Crono! Crono! Crono! Crono!
Crono: Geez, shut up! I heard you the first time!

(65000000 BC)

Ayla: Hey, froggy! For Ayla eat?
Frog: Don't make me hurt you.
Crono: With what, that horribly underpowered and unupgradable Masamune? Move over, they got the new Flint Swords in at the weapon hut.
Marle: How come swords are more powerful here than they were in 1000 AD?
Lucca: Consumer protection standards were pretty lax until 245 AD's "Running with Pointy Things" law got passed.

Azala: What, you're all the way here again?
Crono: Yeah, we decided just to fly the Dactyls straight to the top instead of stick to the storyline.
Azala: You do realize, this means Kino's gonna die.
Ayla: Who care? He idiot anyway.

(12000 BC)

Crono: Wow, a really advanced civilization floating on nothing!
Lucca: It's craptacular.

Janus: Hey, you! Red-spiky-hair! You're gonna die really soon! Yes, you!
Lucca: I wonder what he meant by that?
Crono: Hmm, that was a little strange. I haven't gotten death threats since that bully wanted my lunch money in Truce Junior High.

Zeal: You guys suck.
Crono: No, you guys suck!
Zeal: How DARE you think of a comeback! Take them away!

Schala: La la la, free the prisoners. Good, nothing can stop me now.
Prophet: Boo.
Schala: Aw, crap.

(2300 AD)

Crono: Woah, this Epoch thingy rocks! Mr. Robo, warp factor nine!
Robo: Aye, sir. Setting course for Rigel Seven... I mean, the Kingdom of Zeal.

(12000 BC)

Melchior: Hey, c'mon, you just gonna skip the whole Mt. Woe thing?
Crono: You betcha! Gimme the Red Knife.
Melchior: Make me.
Crono: Yoink!
Melchior: Damn.

Dalton: Eat this!
Crono: Slash.
Dalton: Instead of dying right away, I'll maintain a comical prescence that might remind you of Kefka from FF6. Whoop-whoop-whoop!

Crono: Okay, Zeal, you asked for it. SUPA-RED-KNIFE-SLASH!
Zeal: Hahaha! You just summoned Lavos, sucka!
Crono: D'oh!
Lavos: Rawr.
Crono: You think that'll stop me?
Lavos: Rawr.
Crono: Whoops, I just died. Boy, does death ever suck.

Dalton: I now rename this, the kingdom of Dalton! And my first act of parliament is to kick your butts!
Frog: Slasheth.
Dalton: Aw, nuts.

Magus: You know, I might be willing to join you...
Marle: We've got too many characters already...
Lucca: ...with mysteriously shaded paths...
Robo: ...who altered their names to hide their identities.
Frog: Slasheth.
Magus: You guys suck.

(2300 AD)

Marle: Yay, Crono's back!
Crono: I left?

(End of Time)

Old Man: Your power will increase with every subquest you finish, plus you learn backstory for all the characters!
Crono: Sucks to your subquests. Let's beat the game.

(1999 AD)

Lavos: Rawr.
Crono: Slash.
Lavos: Crumble.
Crono: Hey, that wasn't so hard!

Lavos Core: Doors of Doom open! Obstacle! Flame Battle! Evil Emanation!
Crono: Slash.
Real Lavos Core: Grand Stone! Dreamless! Crying Heavens! Evil Star! Spell! Invading Light!
Crono: Slash.
Right-Hand Core: Lowering Defence.
Crono: Slash.
Left-Hand Core: Did you go through the entire game with that one move?
Crono: Yeah, pretty much. Final Slash.

Marle: Great, we beat the game!
Lucca: Yeah, and now with the "New Game +" option, we can find all the secret endings!
Crono: What? We finally finish this game, and you want me to do it all over again? Screw that, I'm going to bed.
Crono's Mom: Help! I'm being sucked up by the Time Gate!
Crono: Alright! All-night LAN party at my house!
Lucca: No way, we have to find your mom and bring her back.
Crono: Geez, you really know how to ruin a good party. Can we at least save my dad from the tragic accident that kept him from showing up in the game?
Marle: Move Epoch. For great justice... OW! Stop kicking me!
(Epoch blasts off at Ludicrous Speed)


Got a comment on this guest fiver? Contact the author, SimonBob.

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This fiver was originally published on May 14, 2001.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by Squaresoft, but seeing as Super Nintendo is no longer the major gaming platform, I doubt they'll be beating down my door. Too bad, that might have been interesting to watch.

All material © 2001, Kevin Williams.