Home Prev 5MVG: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute Castlevania

by Zeke

Castlevania! Once every hundred years, the castle of Dracula appears to herald his return!
Simon Belmont: You'd think a guy called Vlad the Impaler could think of a less stupid name for the place.
The year is 1691, and only one man can stop Dracula -- Simon Belmont, scion of an ancient clan of vampire hunters!
Simon: Do I have to?

Simon: Seems quiet so far... I wonder where everyone is.
Zombies, Panthers, Bats, etc.: Hello.
Simon: Ah. Well, time to break out the enchanted Vampire Killer whip.
Zombie 1: A whip? You're fighting evil with a whip? Did all the weapon shops burn down?
Zombie 2: Yeah, man, you should grab something else from the candlesticks!
Simon: There's stuff in the candlesticks?
Zombie 1: (whacks Zombie 2)

Phantom Bat: BOO! -- Wha?
Simon: Isn't this cool? I found a stopwatch. So like most people with stopwatches, I can freeze time.
Phantom Bat: That is so cheap.

Simon: Almost there. Just one more jump...
Medusa Head: (WHAM)

Simon: Well, anyone can miss a jump the first time. Let's try aga--
Medusa Head: (WHAM)

Simon: Third time's the --
Medusa Head: (WHAM)

(507 tries later)
Queen Medusa: How did you like my Medusa Heads?
Queen Medusa: Haha! Just wait till I'm done training them to turn you to st-- Wha? Oh, this is so cheap.

Simon: These enemies are getting kind of weird. I mean, "Fleamen"? Where do those even come from?
Skeleton: The flea market.
Simon: Oh, go back to your closet, bony.
Skeleton: Sticks and stones may break my bones, but all you have is a whip, so I'm not worried.
Simon: That reminds me. Where do you get those bones you keep throwing at me?
Skeleton: (falls over)
Simon: Sweet.

Mummies: GWARR
Simon: Time to try out the new weapon I picked up! Eat holy wa--
Nintendo of America: Fire bombs.
Simon: What? Come on, it's clearly holy wa--
Mummies: ARRGH! It burns!
Simon: This is so stupid.

Merman: Welcome to the underwater area.
Simon: ...Of a castle.
Merman: It's not part of the castle, it's underneath, like undeveloped catacombs or --
Simon: Then who installed the candlesticks and flying platforms?
Merman: You Belmonts are always such jerks about this.

Simon: OW!
Skele-Dragon 1: Take that! We're a little stronger than the schmoes you've been fighting so far, eh?
Skele-Dragon 2: Yeah! Not even the meat hidden in the walls will give you enough health to get past us!
Simon: There's meat in the walls?
Skele-Dragon 1: (headbutts Skele-Dragon 2)
Simon: Why the hell is there meat in the walls?

Igor: Oh crap, I think he's at full health. We told them not to install that meat in the walls.
Frankenstein: He'll still never defeat both of us! Prepare for the wrath of Frankenstein and Igor!
Simon: Wow, you're too dumb even to figure out Frankenstein is your creator's name, not yours. This'll be a cinch. Especially with my new... daggers!
Frankenstein: "Ow."
Simon: ...Maybe not quite a cinch.

Simon: The moral of this story is I need a better subweapon. Can I have one of your axes?
Axe Armour: At your clearance level? Ha! Nobody gets my stuff without an all-axes pass.
Simon: Yeah, I'm going to kill you now and take your axe.
Axe Armour: I figured.

Simon: Just one more boss between me and the Count. I'm finally entering the home stre--
Medusa Head: (WHAM)
Simon: I hate this stupid castle.

Simon: Dracula has got Death itself working for him? Man, he doesn't mess around.
Death: You'll find that the rumours about me haven't been exaggerated either. I do indeed have a scythe, with which I shall administer a thousand cuts!
Simon: Not before my axes warm you over.
Death: You dare defy m-- Ow! Right in the jaws!
Simon: Not bad. I wonder if this would work on taxes too.

Phantom Bat: BOO! I'm ba-ack!
Simon: It's so cute that you think you're still a threat. I don't even have the heart to axe-murder you.
Phantom Bat: Really? That's so touching... I...
Simon: No, seriously, I'm out of hearts. I'll have to stock up.

Count Dracula: Ha ha ha! So you have come at last!
Simon: Yeah, I think I took some wrong turns. I need a better map.
Count Dracula: What is a map? A miserable little pile of secrets!
Simon: Okay, enough talk. Time to take you down with my new cro--
Nintendo of America: Boomerang.
Simon: You can't possibly deny that this is a cro--
Nintendo of America: Boomerang!
Simon: Oh, fine. Hey Drac, the power of Crocodile Dundee compels you!

Count Dracula: Ha ha! You think you've won? Behold my true form!
Simon: ...A big ugly monster? Since when can you turn into a big ugly monster? Was I asleep for that particular Dracula myth?
Count Dracula: What is a myth? A miserable little pile of --
Simon: Never mind. Time to finish you off, and I've got just the subweapon to do it....
Count Dracula: AARGH! It burns!
Simon: Don't remind me.

(one intense battle later)
Count Dracula: NOOOOOO!
Simon: And that is why I fight evil with a whip: because it works.
Monsters: Duly noted.

Through valour and courage, Simon Belmont has triumphed! Too bad about the curse. Now let's go to some wacky credits!
Simon: Wait, curse?
Ha ha! Weren't those credits wacky? But you, the player, are the true hero!
Simon: What's this about a curse?
And now you can play the game again on hard mode! There'll be more enemies and you can pretend you're getting the Triforce of Courage and everything!
Simon: Shut up and tell me about the curse!
Ready to start over? Here we go!
Simon: ...Oh. Maybe this is it.
(The game restarts at Ludicrous Speed)


Comments? Complaints? Contact Zeke.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Videogames
___ ___ Five-Minute Castlevania

This fiver was originally published on November 6, 2006.

DISCLAIMER: Up up down down left right left right B A. There, now Konami can't touch me.

All material © 2006, Colin Hayman.