Home Prev 5MVG: EPISODES Next Home

Five-Minute Star Trek: Armada

by Wowbagger

Captain's Log: Here we are in the middle of nowhere just minding our own business...
Player: Hmm... could they be here waiting for some major plot point to take place?
Of course, absolutely nothing could happen out in this boring sector of space.

Temporal Rift: Burp.
U. S. S. Premonition: ahhHH!
Borg Spheres: We're Borg. Get assimilated. Resistance sucks.

Captain's Log: Oops, it seems I was wrong (heh heh heh). Let's build a base here before we save the Premonition, whose name is certainly not foreshadowing.
Player: And we shall spend an hour working on that base while the Premonition gets pummelled.

Captain Denning: (whistling) Oh, look, it's the Enterprise! What took you?
Picard: We figured that, since it's the "tutorial" level, we could wait as long as we liked while you vent plasma and yet you would never die.
Denning: "Tutorial"? This is no game, Picard.
Picard: (Sigh) You're right. Anyways, we've never heard of your ship. 'Sup with that?
Denning: Unless you give us a shuttle, the impending Borg invasion will kill us all.
Picard: If you wanted a shuttle, why didn't you visit Voyager? They seem to have another every time Chakotay crashes. And how would a shuttle help in an apocalyptic battle against the Borg?
Denning: It wouldn't. I just put that in so you could make a crack at Robert Beltran. Anyway, we're from the future.
Picard: The Vulcan Science Directorate has determined that time travel is impossible.
Denning: I can prove it to you. History records that you like Shakespeare.
Picard: Weeeird. Okay, I believe you now.

Federation: Aaaa! The Borg! Ow, ow, ow!

Klingons: Let's randomly start a war just when the Federation needs us most!
Romulans: Okay, cool!

Sela: Sweet! We found the Omega Particle! Neener, neener!
Borg: Give us Particle 010 and we'll help you out a whole bunch.
Sela: Really? No crosses count?
Borg: Uhhh... well...
Sela: Just kidding, guys!
Borg: (Phew!)

Player: Why do I have to reinvent all of my cool technology in every mission?
Game: Uhhh...
Player: Wouldn't it be great if all this cool stuff were actually on the show?
Game: Well...
Player: Wouldn't it be nice if a Sovereign-class were actually an even match for a Borg Cube?
Game: Err...
Player: Wouldn't it be nice if Corbomite weren't just a substance made up by Kirk?
Game: Aww, just shaddup!

Borg Drone: Although we've assimilated thousands of species, we have yet to understand the simple art of cloning, despite the fact that every other major race in the galaxy does. So we need to capture a Vorta cloning facility and learn this art quickly so we can recreate a long-dead Borg.
Queen: Brilliant! Why didn't you all think of this before? Who was the drone who first had this idea?
Borg Drone: Actually, it was me. Do I get a reward?
Queen: Sure. Here. (slice)
Borg Drone: GAK!
Queen: Did you know that decapitation is the greatest form of perfection? Oops, you're dead!

Locutus: I'm baaack!

Federation: Aaaaah! (runs around like headless chicken) GAK!

Captain's Log: Through a badly contrived concept filled with half-baked ideas and violations of the Temporal Prime Directive, we have created a plan by which we hope to save the Federation.

Spock: GAK!
Spock: GAK!
Spock: GAK!
Player: Wow, hard mission. Thank goodness for saved games.

Picard: ...So, put simply, you have to go into the future to preserve the timeline.
Picard: Wha?
Picard: Let's put it this way: did you ever read Paneldemonium, Part 6?
Picard: No.
Picard: In that case, don't. Avoid at all costs. I'll try to show you on a tricorder.
Worf: I've got a tricorder!
Picard: Mister Worf, why are you holding a spoon?

Lots of Stuff: Boom.
Borg: Dang.
Locutus: GAK!
Everyone Else: Yay.
(Credits crawl across screen at Ludicrously Slow Speed)


Got a comment on this fiver? Contact the author, Wowbagger.

Site navigation:
___ Five-Minute Videogames
___ ___ Five-Minute Star Trek: Armada

This fiver was originally published on September 27, 2003.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyright Activision, who recently ended their contract with Trek for a hilariously dim reason. Be that as it may, no infringement is intended on either ST or Activision. They made a pretty cool Ghostbusters game for Commodore 64, I have to respect that....

All material © 2003, J. Heaney.