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The X-Files: Five-Minute "War of the Coprophages"

by Thinkey

Exterminator: Bugs bugs DIE DIE DIE!
Dr. Eckerle: DIEEE! Ahem -- if you'll excuse me.
Exterminator: DIE DIE DIE... AHHH! (thump)

Mulder: Hi. "UFOs 'R' Us."
Scully: Mulder, you need to get original. What's up?
Mulder: Sitting... thinking... ohh bug. Gotta go.

Sheriff: We have a bug problem.
Mulder: I'm your bug boy.

Mulder: Scully, cockroaches are killing people.
Scully: And I'm Martha Stewart -- get a chicken and it'll solve all life's problems.
Mulder: Gotcha.

Boy 1: We want to expand our minds, dude -- and get in your pants.
Girl: Get a life, jerk. I demand that you mutilate yourself to death with a razor blade!
Boy 1: Aye aye.

Mulder: Scully?
Scully: Lace this time, Mulder -- it works every time.

Medical Examiner: Are we all going to die?
Mulder: Yes, but not from this -- from the alien conspiracy.
Medical Examiner: You're full of crap. I need to use the bathroom now.

Sheriff: What the hell is going on here?
Mulder: Hey -- I'm on vacation here. be glad I'm helping out.
Sheriff: What do you suggest next? Potpourri?
Mulder: Actually, I was thinking refurbished furniture.
Doctor: ROACHES!
Mulder: Okay, potpourri it is.

Scully: Would lemon pie work this time?
Mulder: Nope, already tried.
Scully: Try apple.

Mulder: Scully, you'd love this house!
Scully: The wallpaper?
Mulder: YES! And it ripples as well! Oh, cute girl -- gotta go!
Scully: Hey, wait a --

Bambi: I love insects!
Mulder: (cringing) Me too!
Bambi: I believe they're the cause of UFO's. You?
Mulder: Um....

Mulder: Oh Scully-wully -- help me sleep?
Scully: A glass of warm milk should do the trick.
Mulder: Can you drop the Martha Stewart stuff please? Anyway, I like Bambi.
Scully: That's nice, Mulder. I like deer as well.
Mulder: I wasn't talking about the deer.

Dr Eckerle: ROACHES!
Mulder: Ohh, dead man. Betcha Scully recommends mayonnaise as a skin cream for this one.

Bambi: This roach has more in common with Data than Odo.
Mulder: That's nice. Kiss me?
Bambi: No.

Dr. Ivanov: Who the hell are you?
Mulder: Ooo! Are you in any way related to Claudia Christian?
Dr. Ivanov: Not that I know of.
Mulder: Dang. There goes the fantasy.

Scully: I want my MAP!
Crowd: AHHHH!
Scully: SHUT UP!
Scully: I really need to try another approach next time.

Bambi: This roach is like Odo.
Mulder: Do I get a kiss now?
Bambi: No.
Mulder: Then I will talk to Scully. Oh Scully?
Scully: These people need a life, Mulder.
Mulder: As do I, Scully, as do I.

Mulder: Hey, you almost shot me!
Dr. Eckerle: Yes, and keep dancing! DIE DIE DIE!

Scully: Are you Mulder's chick?
Bambi: He thinks I am.
Scully: Join the club.

Mulder: RUN, Scully!
Scully: Are you sure my little feet can keep up?
Mulder: Scully -- don't spoil the next episode yet. Wait till this one's done at least.

Sheriff: Everyone's not so nutty anymore. You're free to go.
Mulder: I just love my vacations.
Scully: At least the chick dosen't like you -- she digs the doc.
Mulder: Dang. Well, you smell bad.
Scully: Weenie.

Mulder: Blah Blah Blah My computer sucks Blah Blah. Ooooh, cockroach!


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This fiver was originally published on March 25, 2002.

DISCLAIMER: A lot of stuff in here is copyrighted by the eternally misnamed 20th-Century Fox. 5MV's intent isn't to infringe on that, though I'm tempted where Fox is concerned. Hey, think Mulder was named after them?

All material © 2002, Holly Simon.