Battlestar Galactica: Five-Minute "The Gun On Ice Planet Zero"
by Marc Richard
by Marc Richard
Adama: I think the Cylons are herding us into a trap somewhere along this route.|
Tigh: Just because they retreated from their last engagement with us?
Adama: No, I'm also bothered by all those "Humans go this way" signs we've been running into lately.
Starbuck: Scout patrol leader to Galactica. Can you give me a readout on the small moon that's directly ahead of us?
Rigel: Commander, our scouts report a small moon in the Navarone sector.
Cylon: Scanners show several Colonial Vipers coming into range.
Bow: I can see something flashing on the surface.
Boomer: Cree, look out! The Cylons are sending out some fighters to force you down!
Adama: The nature of this trap is now clear -- Cylons to the right of us, Cylons to the left of us, a cannon in front of us. It looks like I blundered taking us here.
Starbuck: Uh... excuse me, but could you replace my personnel file photograph with this new one?
Athena: The computer recommends a command group composed of Apollo, Boomer and Starbuck, a demolition group of four convicts, and an expendable group of three supernumeraries.
Boomer: Here come our convicts. Tough-looking bunch of customers.
Starbuck: This one is Wolfe. Apparently he's a little too fond of blowing things up. Comes from a bad family, too; he even has a five-year-old brother called Xavier who's already a Nazi sympathizer.
Starbuck: Next is Thane. Murderer and specialist on operations in hostile environments.
Starbuck: And finally, we have Leda. She's a field medic... an expert in laser wounds.
Cylon: Two Colonial vessels are approaching -- one small Viper traveling at extremely high speed and one large, very slow transport ship.
Starbuck: We're hit! We're going down! I've got no engines, no controls, no instruments, no visibility....
Apollo: Boxey? What are you and Muffit doing in the snow-ram?
Cylon: Step into this interrogation booth, human.
Starbuck: Apollo, if this is a storm-swept wilderness, why are there fresh tank tracks ahead of us?
Apollo: Wolfe, you idiot! You've wrecked our engine and now we're stuck out here!
Apollo: Oh, my aching head! Where are we? And who are you people?
Ser 5-9: The pulsar weapon at the top of Mount Hekla was built by Dr. Ravishol, our Father-Creator.
Apollo: Will you take us across the icefield to your clone village inside Mount Hekla?
Lucifer: Our outpost on Arcta reports encountering fighters from the Galactica.
Ser 5-9: The Cylon foot patrol has passed. It is safe to continue towards the village.|
Croft: We were worried that you might turn us in to those guys.
Tenna: No, we hate the Cylons. They regard Theta-class lifeforms as subhumans.
Apollo: Considering their already low opinion of humans, I don't envy you.
Ser 5-9: Here is the village, Captain Apollo. We will hide your group with the children while I take you to see Dr. Ravishol.
Apollo: Why did you build this monstrous weapon for the Cylons?
Apollo: Dr. Ravishol, your worker clones have secretly been having children.
Tigh: Commander, there's a Cylon attack phalanx heading straight for us!
Lucifer: I have our strike leader's report on the damage our attack against the Galactica inflicted.
Ravishol: Here are the plans for the pulsar. It's made of magna, so the only way to destroy it is to simultaneously demolish the main energy pump and blow the barrel off its foundations with two massive solenite explosions.
Starbuck: Help me find where they're holding Cree prisoner.
Vulpa: How long has the captured Colonial pilot been standing in our interrogation booth?
Tenna: Starbuck, look over there! They've captured Thane!
Apollo: Here's the plan. My team will scale the mountain from the outside, while Starbuck's group heads towards the garrison chamber from the inside. In 200 centons, we'll launch simultaneous attacks.
Wolfe: When we get to the top of the mountain, we'll be able to steal a Cylon fighter and make a run for it.
Colonial Viper: WHOOOSH! BWEEEM-BWEEEM!
Athena: Three Cylon base ships are entering the sector behind us!
Baltar: (on viewscreen) Our base ships are pushing the Galactica in your direction. Begin firing random sweeps across the corridor until their fleet comes into your scanning range.
Wolfe: Stick 'em up, Captain! I'm getting out of here and I'm leaving the Galactica to its fate!
Cylon: Our tracking systems have finally picked up the Galactica. Range -- sixty centons and closing.
Starbuck: Cree! Let me help you out of this refrigerated cell.
Ser 5-9: We will help you eliminate the garrison, but we will not permit you to destroy the pulsar!
Rigel: We'll be in range in five centons.
Apollo: Okay, we're in. Starbuck should be in position by now. Charge!
Croft: The charges are all in place! Let's get out of here!
Apollo: Let's go, Starbuck. The rescue ship will be here soon.
Lucifer: Grave news, Baltar. The Ravishol pulsar has been destroyed and the humans have once again eluded our pursuing forces.
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DISCLAIMER: A lot of material in here is copyrighted by Universal Studios. No infringement on that is intended, as Richard Hatch probably said when he produced his cool "BSG: The Second Coming" convention trailer. May the blessings of the Lords of Kobol be upon you.
All material © 2003, Marc Richard.