Breaking Bad: Five-Minute "Pilot"

by Zeke

Walter: Wife, son, this could be it. If I don't see you again, please remember me the way I was: wearing pants.

THree Weeks EarLier...
(Most Viewers: Huh?)

Skyler: Happy 50th birthday! Here's my present for you: meat-free bacon.
Walter: (Oh God, why don't I just die already?) Thanks, honey.
Walter Jr.: The shower was freezing again! We need a new water heater!
Skyler: Well, whining about it won't make one appear.
Walter Jr.: Really? That's not what society told me.

Walter: Chemistry! Chemistry is life and death! It is the air we breathe and the water we drink! It is all aspects of the very world around... why aren't you kids paying attention?
Student: Why do you give this same speech every morning?

Customer: Look, sir, I'm just trying to pay for my car wash here. I don't need any trouble.
Walter: Hang on, I'll start over. Chemistry! It is the very air we —
Boss: Again, Walter? We talked about this. Go scrub some hubcaps till you learn.

Girl: Look! Mr. White's washing my dad's car! What a loser!
Walter: (Righto, time to switch to the slow-dissolving-acid hose.)

Party Guests: SURPRISE!
Walter: Honey, you know how I showed you that study about people dying of heart attacks on large birthdays? Remember what the key correlating factor was?
Skyler: When you were one hour late, I still cared about that. After three, I stopped.

Hank: An occasion like this deserves a toast. To Walter!
Guests: Hear, hear!
Hank: And to my Bruce Willis impression!
Guests: HEAR, HEAR!
Walter: Uh, could you maybe not fire your gun after these toasts?
Hank: Could you maybe lighten up? God, you sound like some middle-aged guy.

Reporter: To comment on the successful meth lab raid, here's Agent Hank Schrader.
Hank: Yeah, we took 'em in and confiscated their fat sacks of cash. That's a few more rich bad guys off the street. Just goes to show how dumb and wrong they were to get into the highly, highly profitable meth trade.
Reporter: Could you maybe not fire your gun after every sentence?

Skyler: Hope you had a good birthday, baby. Now here's a little... extra present.
Walter: Uh, I already have one of those.

Walter: (WHUMP)
Male Customer: Did that old guy just get a heart attack from seeing you in that dress?
Female Customer: I'll call 911, but if he's hoping this'll turn all American Beauty, he can forget it.

Paramedic: (writing on pad) "Patient collapsed due to adverse medical condition..."
Walter: This is silly. I've just caught a bug that's going through my house. My pregnant wife got it, my handicapped son got it...
Paramedic: "Diverse symptoms."

Doctor: I'm afraid a lifetime of not smoking has caught up with you — you have terminal lung cancer. You have only a few seasons to live.
Walter: There's mustard on your suit.
Doctor: Aw, really? They told me they got that out!
Walter: You know what could get it out? Chemistry.

Skyler: How was your day? Any bad news I should hear?
Walter: (Better not upset her.) No, honey.
Skyler: Oh good, then I can blow up at you. Fifteen bucks on copy paper, Walter?! Really? What was it made of, caviar?

Boss: Hey Walter, go lug some more needlessly heavy cleaning solution to —
Walter: Know what? Know what? I quit! Get your own damn solution!
Boss: Geez. What'd I do to precipitate that?

Walter: (tossing matches) So little time left! What should I do first? Find a new job? Put my affairs in order?
Walter: Clean the pool?

Hank: So yeah, that's how we bust a meth lab. Cool, huh?
Walter: Can I take a look at the mon– uh, the chemicals?
Hank: Sure. Lemme just go in first and secure the mon– uh, the area.

Pinkman: *escapes*
Walter: What the –? That was Pinkman! I'd know that flamenco soundtrack anywhere!

Pinkman: Aw man, my old chem teacher? I hoped I'd at least get caught by Batman. This is like the opposite.
Walter: No no, I want to go into the meth business with you. I need money fast, and I want to make it in the way that'll hurt the most people.
Pinkman: Are you sure? This is really kind of a crummy job. The hours are crazy, people hate you, you can blow yourself up if you're not careful...
Walter: Believe me, none of that is new to me.

Marie: So how's Walter?
Skyler: Oh, fine. A bit lung-cancery, maybe kind of methy, but nothing really unusual.
Marie: Well, let me know when you wanna start cheating on him. I've got a list of men you can start with.
Skyler: For the last time, I am not gonna be desperate housewives with you.

Walter: Stealing, stealing, la la la la la... (Okay, I don't really sing in this scene. But it wouldn't be any less subtle if I did.)

Walter: I got us Erlenmeyer flasks, Bunsen burners, Heisenberg compensators...
Pinkman: God, how much stuff named after Nazis did you bring? And — no. No, these aren't seriously...
Walter: Safety goggles. Why?
Pinkman: Aggggh! I quit school to get away from this crap!

Walter: Here's the money for that RV. You said seventy bucks, right?
Pinkman: I said seventy grand! What's wrong with you, man?
Walter: Not wrong — right. I'm taking back my life. I won't be a cog in the machine anymore. I took my printer out in a field and beat the crap out of it! I'm free!
Pinkman: Dying of something. Got it.

Thug: Ha ha, look at that crutch kid. The crutches mean he's stupid. And a nerd. They're for holding up his big stupid nerd brain. Furthermore —
Walter: *kicks him from behind*
Thug: OW! My logical arguments! You defeated them with your adult violence! *runs off*
Skyler: Wow. What's gotten into you?
Walter: I just felt the need to defend my son, even if it meant defying society's constraints.
Skyler: Dying of something. Got it.
Walter Jr.: Thanks and all, but shouldn't you be going to jail for assault now?

Pinkman: On-location. Nice. Let's get methin'!
Walter: Sure. I'll just take my clothes off first.
Pinkman: ...If I'd ever seen a Lifetime original movie, I'd be scared right now, wouldn't I?

Walter: Whew. Montages are more tiring than they look.
Pinkman: Holy! I've never seen such perfect meth! We're gonna be rich!
Walter: It's all in the wrist. (Meth? Seriously? I thought I was making crack!)

Krazy 8: This better be important. I'm trying to train my dog to eat other dogs.
Pinkman: Check this meth out! I've got serious quality to sell now! My new partner's way better than your cousin Emilio was. Good thing he was the one to get caught while I... uh... I was really stupid to come here, wasn't I?
Emilio: You don't know the half of it.

Krazy 8: We have your partner! If you want him back, you better... uh, hang on while I think of some demands.
Emilio: Hey, that guy was with the cops when I got caught! Kill him!
Walter: No, wait! Let me live and I'll teach you my meth recipe!
Krazy 8: Ah! That's perfect. Pretend I demanded that.

Walter: And when we add the phosphorus to the mixture, know what happens?
Krazy 8: What?
Walter: *dumps it in and runs*
Phosphorus: *knocks the bad guys out*
Walter: CHEMISTRY happens, blatches!

Walter: Now to free Pinkman and... oh no, that errant cigarette started a fire!
Pinkman: You're kidding. Writers are still using that device?
Walter: If you mean irony, yes. Smoking just found another way to kill me.

Walter: There's just one chance: we put on masks and take a madcap drive in an RV full of unconscious criminals and knockout gas, while my pants dangle out the window!
Pinkman: Is that really our only chance?
Walter: Hell, I don't care, I'm doing it anyway.

Walter: ...and that's how I wound up in the desert without pants. Now to kill myself.
Gun: *click*
Walter: Oh, so now I get good at Russian roulette. Well, better face the music...
Sirens: If you mean us, we're coming from fire trucks, not police cars. See?
Walter: Thank God! The police haven't found us!
Walter: Wait. How the hell would the police have found us?

Pinkman: Wow, that was a close one.
Walter: You're probably wondering how I gassed them unconscious. You see —
Pinkman: No no, I get it, man. Growing old ain't easy.
Walter: ...You know, I think I'll let you clean up all this incriminating evidence.

Skyler: Where were you?
Walter: It's complicated. Hell, I still don't know what we did with those criminals.
Skyler: Huh?
Walter: Let's just say I was... breaking bad.
Skyler: What does that mean?
Walter: Whatever I want it to, baby. Now c'mere. I think you'll find that my new, rebellious outlook gives us a certain chemistry.
(Walter breaks bad at Ludicrous Speed)


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This fiver was originally published on December 28, 2010.

DISCLAIMER: The names and such in this fiver belong to AMC. Hey, that's CMA backwards. CMA... CMA... Crystal MethAmphetamine! Holy crap, this show is thinly-veiled pro-drug propaganda! Oh wait, we already knew that.

All material © 2010, Colin Hayman.